Le blog de Kelodie - Kelodie's Blog

My first DNF - Rattle Me Bones 5K

2011-10-23T16:33:00.002-04:00

Today was my first DNF. I've had quite a few DNS in races, and there were races that I barely completed, but I've always crossed the finish line. Not today. My heart was not into this race, because I'm still healing from a nasty cold and because I was sore from yesterday's 9-run-run spectating.

I wasn't sure if I would even start the race, but when I got up this morning I was feeling fine, so I thought I would go and do my best since I've paid for this. Also, the race being held around a hospital, I felt like I owed it to the people who are currently in the hospital to run for them. I'm sure these people would much rather be doing a run than being on a hospital bed.

I usually have a game plan for races: a time goal, an expectation for a joyful race, that kind of thing. This morning, I was just running to see if I could find something in myself that would motivate me to be a more consistent runner.

The race started off fine. At first, my calves and right ankle were stiff, so the first 3 minutes were a bit painful. The second running interval was much better, but by the third one, I was getting asthma-like secretions in my lungs and I started getting heart palpitations. At first, I ignored them because I often get them for a few seconds and then they go away. Today, they were more persistent and I even got them when I was walking. I knew they were not dangerous. Nonetheless, I asked myself if I was ready to die today and I pondered that question. I'm under a lot of stress at the professional level: my dream job has been cut and I now have to find something that will be good enough until I can find another great job. There are a lot of doubts in my head: will I ever be happy at work again? Will I contribute to improving the state of our cities and environment again? I feel like my work has been like a vocation these past 12 years working in the environment field and I don't want to settle to "just a job".

These are dark times for me, trying to find a brilliant idea to continue doing what I love. The emotions are extreme: I can go from being completely despaired to being hopeful, from feeling sad to angry to helpless.

So, I wondered this morning if I was willing to take the risk of pushing through the discomfort, knowing it could lead to serious problems. Is my life worth that much right now that I will stop and not push it? In the end, I chose to stop - the ever so hopeful little voice in my head hinted that I would find a solution, that everything would be alright and that I should not take those risks. It told me that I would find my balance and that I would emerge stronger from this challenging time like I always do.

At the 2K sign, I stopped and walked back to my car with tears in my eyes. My first DNF. I'm pretty sad about it, but more sad to realize how difficult the current stress is on my heart and my body. Time to roll up my sleeves and focus on self-care.

Learning to walk again at the Army Run

2011-09-18T18:26:00.003-04:00

(…)
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

(…)
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger
Little conqueror

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now!
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
(…)
The first to find another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm waiting for a sign
(…)
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I'll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever

- "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

Life was good for me in 2007. This was the year I turned 30 and I achieved many of my athletic and personal goals that year. Then, life happened and a series of bad lucks from 2008 to 2010 found me physically broken, facing a year of many DNS in 2008. Between April 2008 and February 2009, I broke a rib and a toe, I bruised 2 more ribs, my cheekbone and my tailbone, I partially tore my psoas, I badly bruised my tailbone. In 2009, I got bronchitis and later on, a nasty bacterial infection in my stomach while in Mexico. I took two ambulance rides, I suffered through mild PTSD following a bike accident and had digestive issues so intense following my stomach infection that I dropped 25lbs. On top of that, I changed jobs to work at my dream job, which got cut not too long ago. I dealt with deep emotional issues that made life hell for me on a few occasions. Life was testing me!

Life was offering me an opportunity to grow.

I worked hard to heal physically and emotionally. I was able to race in 2010, but every race I did sucked because I had an unwanted companion, which I nicknamed The Mental. The Mental was by my side every time I attempted to push my limits, both in sports and in my personal life. The Mental is my worst critic: it tells me I’m not good enough, sometimes using mean words like “you suck”. I’ve been fighting The Mental for a long time, but it’s always there with me to ruin my fun.

I did not race much in 2011, but at the three races I did, The Mental showed up and tried to take charge. I did not let it – I was stronger than it was at the end of the day but it did make life miserable for me for a part of my races. This year, I increased my swimming endurance, I rode my first 50K and then 60K and I found my running mojo again. I faced what was in my heart and I dealt with the negative and celebrated the positive.

On Friday, someone advised that I find a ritual to do on my birthday to mark the beginning of a new year, full of promises. I decided this would happen while I was running the 5K at the Army Run today. My plan was simple: to plan the race and race the plan. I’m working my way through Learn to Run again and I’m now up to 5-minutes running intervals. I decided that I would race doing 3:1s, which would allow me to push without it being too difficult an effort.

The day was perfect: it was sunny and cool – it didn’t get warmer than 10 degrees during the race. I started off with everyone else, taking in the positive energy at the start line. I ran my first 3-minutes interval and decided to wear my headphones and listen to some music since I knew this was to be a spiritual race and music speaks to my soul in a way nothing else does. I ended up listening to Foo Fighters’ song Walk on repeat the whole race. I just love this song: it felt like it had been written for me to listen to on a very important day like today.

I felt like I was learning to walk and talk again – I’m learning to walk in my own shoes, to live my life for myself. I’m also learning to talk in a way that allows for meaningful connection with the world. I’m full of resolve to work through some difficult emotional issues and the song reminded me of my power to change my ways and take control over my life.

Before getting to the 2K mark, I got a runner’s high. I was thinking how great it was to be running on this beautiful day, to live in a country where we can run freely and for leisure rather than to get away from someone who means us harm. I was getting all chocked up and I came this close to losing it right then when I saw two amputee soldiers walking with their family members. I felt like I owed it to them to live the best life I can live, to contribute everything I have to contribute to this world. I had complete faith in me, for the first time in a long time, if ever.

And I just kept on running, 3 minutes at a time. The Mental tried to get some airtime in my head, but I didn’t fight it and simply replaced it with positive self-talk about how I was doing great and to just keep going. I ignored the annoying Mental and it left me alone. It tried to make me take a walk break before the finish line, but I refused and I ran for almost 4 minutes until I crossed the finish line.

I’m elated… I now know what a little faith in oneself can do. I’ve dropped a lot of emotional baggage on the course today and I feel so much stronger for that. What a great way to start my 35th year on this Earth! Thank you to all my friends for the birthday wishes – I felt loved today, both by the people around me and by myself. This is the best feeling of all, one that I haven’t felt often in my life.

Chip time: 38:46 (not a PB, but by far, my best executed race EVER)

Kelodie vs The Mental at The Canadian

2011-09-03T19:58:00.007-04:00

Try-a-Tri
200m swim, 15K bike, 3K run
Time: 1:21:21 - 99/119 participants; 56/72 female participants.

I registered for the try-a-tri at The Canadian. It was the only triathlon I was planning on doing in 2011. It hasn't been a great year of training, and the whole time, I've known that the training I was doing this year was in preparation for next year's racing season. I thought it would still be a good idea to do one race this year, just to keep the motivation high, and decided to do the try-a-tri, but to really race it this time.

I've always thought I would "master" a distance before jumping to the next, and the distances of today's triathlon seemed easy for me: 200m swim, 15K bike and 3K run. Easy peasy, so I thought I would leave everything on the course. My goal was to complete the race in 70 to 75 minutes - 5:30 for the swim, 40min for the bike, 24 minutes for the run and the rest for transitions.

You can tell it's been a while since you raced when you almost forget to pick up your chip. It was kind of funny when I realized I was missing a key piece of "equipment". I had GI issues this morning, maybe because of the stress or because of something I ate. My seasonnal allergies are also very strong right now, so I was not in my best shape to face the 30C+ temperatures that were forecasted.

I got to hang out with my colleague Suzy before the race. It was good to be with people who would keep my mind off the race! I went in the water 20 minutes before the start of my race to cool down and to get used to being in the water. In fact, by the time we started, I was starting to freeze! I did a short warm-up just to get used to the water. I saw Jo-Jo on the edge of the water a few minutes before it was my time to go: I was so happy to have someone who came just for me!

The horn was blown and off we went. I was doing good: I had a good cadence and I was in control. Then, I came upon a massive patch of weeds. They were so tall: about 1cm away from the surface of the water. I thought I would soon be through it and kept calm but after a few strokes, the weeds were even denser and I started panicking. I forced myself to do breaststroke, but at one point, I just couldn't go on. I was having a panic attack. I turned on my back to settle down, like coach Geordie told us to do many times and it worked. I considered DNF'ing but the thought of having to touch the ground and walk in the weeds was even worst than the idea of backstroking through it. So I backstroked... for as long as it took until I didn't feel my arms getting entangled into the weeds with every stroke. It took a long time, probably 100m. Eventually, I felt that the weeds were a bit shorter so I turned on my front but I was never able to return to freestyle. So I breaststroked. I kept moving, like I was taught to do. The Mental really tried to make me quit, but I did not.

It took me 6:36 to swim 200m, 1 minute slower than my best 200m time (both in the pool and open water). I was 112th/119 for the swim, including the run to T1 and T1 itself.

I started the 15K bike ride hyperventilating because of my panic experience during the swim. The first 5K were really hard: there was a big battle being played in my head between The Mental and me. I told it to shut up, but it wouldn't shut up! So I just ignored the negative thoughts and focused on getting my breathing under control. It was hard because I was very nauseated. I had planned on hydrating while on the bike, because it was a scorcher out there and the last thing I wanted was to get dehydrated. After the first 5K were behind me and both my mind and my heart had calmed down, I started looking for competitors to take on. I passed many people on the bike and it felt great each time! I was happily surprised with the tailwind on the way back and I found myself riding along with the iron-people, being able to follow them. It was a great satisfaction for me to know that I could ride fast when I decided to.

My official bike time is 40:12, average speed of 22.4. 83rd out of 119 participants.

I decided to bring my water bottle with me on the run and am I ever glad I did. There were no water stations on the run course for the try-a-triers and the sun was shining almost non-stop. I drank water, but I mostly enjoyed being able to pour water on my neck, back and head to cool me down. My plan was to run as much as I could, trying to slow myself down to run longer. I'm pretty satisfied with what I did: I don't feel like I wimped out during the run. I really gave everything I had in the conditions we were in. I even made a friend on the course! We leap-frogged the whole race and about 200m from the finish line, I told her to go ahead and beat me, to which she responded: "no way, we'll finish together!" which I thought was really sweet coming from someone I just met. As we approached the finish line, I saw Jo-Jo again and told her I was starting to have cold sweats. I was very happy to be almost finished. My friend Suzy and her family were cheering like crazy for me and it was awesome! My new friend and I crossed the finish line holding hands and after we were done, I congratulated her and asked: "by the way, what's your name?" LOL

Run time: 24:41, 111th out of 119 participants.

After the race, I spoke to a few other participants - people were so friendly today! Or maybe I was more open to speaking to others? I'm not sure the reason, but it sure made my experience more fun. I had lunch with my relay team-mates: Jo-Jo and Cynthia and we started making plans for 2012... in the form of an island vacation! Hum... not sure where this vacationning thing will lead us triathlon-wise! ;-)

I feel like I graduated from the Try-a-Tri today. After 4 years, I have finally mastered the distance. Now is the time to work towards the next step: the Sprint Triathlon in 2012.

The Mental: 0 Kelodie: 1

Suck it, Mental! I'm in charge.

Share the Road 60K Ride

2011-08-29T09:14:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I participated in the Share the Road Ride. JF and I decided to do the 60K ride. It was the first time ever I rode beyond 50K. I was excited that I had signed up for something to get to that 60K, because I thought I may not have done it on my own. If I signed up for it, it meant I would do it. And I did!

I was very nervous in the days leading up to the ride. My head knew I was ready for it: I had done a number of 40K-50K rides and most times, I felt like I could have kept going. I had faced a challenge during those rides: my nutrition. Each time, I sort of bonked because I was ravenous and hadn't brought anything with me on my rides that I felt like eating. Going into the ride yesterday, I had brought salted potatoes as well as a coconut raspberry square in case I was craving something sweet. Everytime I rode longer than 35K, I had these huge salt cravings, so I figured my body wanted the salt.

The ride started at 8:30 and I was expecting it would take me 3 hours to get it done. We met with my friend Cynthia who was also doing the ride and off we went. It was a perfect day for cycling: 18C and cloudy. At first, there were light winds but towards the end of the ride, the winds really did pick up and they were challenging (leftovers from hurricane Irene).

JF did not stay with us for long. He is a much speedier cyclist and it was difficult for him to be slow. Plus, Cynthia and I were chatting non-stop and I think he got bored. LOL

The route was very good. It went through beautiful areas and there were almost no cars on the roads. The ones that passed us mostly gave us ample space. I felt safe the whole time!

My nutrition was perfect and I didn't feel like I was dying towards the end of the ride. This is my biggest victory, having figured out what works for me. :)

A few firsts!

2011-07-29T12:38:00.002-04:00

Last Saturday, I went to Open Water Swim training with the Triathlon Club. I had not realized that the wind was quite strong and the water would be choppy. This is probably a good thing because I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I got into the water. That was something!! I felt my body being carried around in the waves and it was not super pleasant. I got a little dizzy at first, but I think it may have been because I was super nervous and my whole body was tense. It was a tough one, but I'm glad I experienced swimming in those conditions. I am proud of myself for not leaving the swim and trying my best.

I'm especially proud that I did not leave after I saw my first fish while OW swimming. It wasn't a big one, maybe 10-12 cm long, but it was following me and it was all I could see when my face was in the water. Freaky!!! I kept swimming for a little bit but when I stopped seeing it, I had to stand to catch my breath, all the while worried that the fish would brush against my leg. (it didn't)

Then on Sunday, I decided that it was the right time to attempt my first 50K bike ride. The temperature was cool (22C with a light humidex) but the sun was out the whole time. I did two "Aylmer" loops and it went well! The first loop was eventless, but the second one was full of action. First, I got really hungry at about 35K - stomach cramps hungry. I stopped and drank some Vega sports drink, which helped for a little while.

Then, I saw a fugitive dog. He was sniffing everywhere and looked lost. I stopped to try to help him, but he wouldn't let me near and I was afraid he would run further away, reducing his chances of finding his home. I reluctantly left, making a note of the location where I had spotted him.

Finally, at around 41K, my bike started making a strange noise and it was slowing down. I thought I had a flat tire and I was pretty p!ssed off, but when I stopped to take a look, I noticed that my water bottle was "touching" my rear wheel. I tried to re-adjust the water bottle holder so that the bottles would not touch the wheel and left again. It did it again a dozen meters later. So I stopped again and loosened up the bottle holder. This did not do the trick and I had to stop again another dozen meters further. This time, I noticed that my seat seemed lower than usual, so I stopped and raised it, only to realize it was not high enough 10 meters later. I was eventually able to fix my seat AND the water bottle holder, but I lost a lot of time and by that time, the sun was up in all its intensity and there was no shade to protect me from the rays.

The Mental was mostly silent during that ride, which was really appreciated. I think it makes all the difference when I just ride and not worry about being able to finish or not. All in all, it was a beautiful ride. I had 2 hours and 38 minutes to think of stuff and clear my head. This was by far the longest bike ride I've ever done (I had "only" done 40.xK before) and also the longest period of time of exercise (I had never gone for more than 2 hours). I learned a valuable lesson in that I need to plan my nutrition when I'm out for so long. I'm knowledgeable of how to keep hydrated, but now I need to test a few nutritional options for longer training sessions.

I hope to get my first 60K in sometime this Summer. When I attempt it, I'll bring some broiled potatoes with me. This is what I was craving on Sunday and I heard this was a good thing to carry on the bike.

... oh, and the fatigue after that effort was INSANE! It took me 3 days to recover from both the physical soreness and the fatigue.

Time for an Update!

2011-07-04T21:02:00.003-04:00

It's been so long since I wrote... I guess I didn't have anything interesting to write about... or maybe it's because I was away from home so much in the past 2 months! I spent 5 days in Montreal in April, then 5 days in New York City in May, 8 days in the Maritimes in early June and 11 days in California in the second half of June. Maybe I should write trip reports!

I am happy to report that I have been very active in those past few months. I got active again at the end of April when I resumed bike commuting. Then we walked and biked a lot while in New York City, which created a momentum for us to keep active upon our return. I started running again sometime in May - week 2 of Learn to Run: 8 times 1:1s, how humbling. I was so happy that running was going well, it felt just hard enough and I fell in love again. :)

June came along and I didn't swim, run or bike as much as I would have liked, but I am proud to report that I was as active as I could be. When I was home, I was working out a lot and I did my best to keep active while away, either by running or by walking lots.

I went for my first open water swim training last Saturday with the Tri Club. I was terrified of that training, not knowing what to expect and having had a few months to build up all sorts of open water swimming fears. It was a relief to get to the workout and get 'er done. I panicked many times, but I faced the fears and kept moving forward or took a break when needed.

This experience confirmed that I'm not ready for a 500m open water swim. First, I lack the endurance to swim 500m continuously, having only done it 2-3 times in the pool. Second, the risk of a full-out panic attack is too great and I'm afraid it would keep me out of the water forever if it happened. Third, I like the idea of really racing a Super Sprint Tri for once, as opposed to just finishing it. I think that's what I'll do, but I'll wait until the second open water swim training to make my decision. :)

Swim Meet - March 2011

2011-04-03T09:03:00.002-04:00

The Ottawa Triathlon Club held a swim meet two weeks ago. I signed up for it and then I was pretty nervous about the whole thing. I was scared of sucking so much in front of all those people that I don't really know. I spent the day coming up with excuses not to go and then telling myself to shut up, that I would get a baseline of what I am capable of, that I would get to swim under pressure like I will in a race, etc.

I had signed up for the 50m, 100m, 200m and relay "fun race". We started with a fun relay, where we had to swim 25m carrying an object - the first person carried one thing, the second one carried two, etc. I was the third one. I'm glad we did this first as it broke the ice in a fun way.

We then did the 50m. I pushed as hard as I could and came in at 1:01.8. Because I had never done a timed 50m, I had no idea what I was capable for. I'm glad I now have a baseline. I went way too hard on the 100m and by the time I reached 75m, I was done and had to slow down. I barely made it to 100m without puking. I definitely think I could not have done better on that day: 2.25.8

Before the 200m, I was asking some people who swim in my lane or near (the slower folks) if they had signed up for the 200m and none of them had. They said I was courageous to have signed up and it worried me. I thought: "well, it's just 200m - we can all swim that, so why would I be courageous to have signed up?". I understood when we got started. Everyone was so fast and I was soon left behind. I had to swim 8 laps and after 3, The Mental started telling me how I should not have signed up for that distance, how bad I looked in front of all those people, how I should just stop when I reach the wall, etc. It almost convinced me I could not do it, who did I think I was signing up for a 200m competition? My only answer to those thoughts was "just keep going, one stroke at a time". The Mental was very loud though and it didn't care for my positive and reassuring thoughts. It was the most awful battle I have ever had with The Mental. If I hadn't been in the water, I would have started crying. And then something happened with 3 laps to go.. All the others were done and I hit rock bottom thinking of how much I sucked. Suddenly, everyone started to cheer me on as if I was about to win an Olympic medal or something. At first, I was ashamed that it meant they were all looking at me and thinking how much I sucked, but then I told The Mental to shut the fuck up and take this for what it was: encouragement from people who have been there too. They too have been slower - most were not born a fast swimmer. Their cheers meant that they supported me in my efforts and admired me for signing up for this distance and continuing on even when everyone else was done. The Mental tried to tell me I sucked, but I did not listen to it for the last few laps of my 200m swim. I finished in 5:30.8.

I had a great time at the swim meet and I believe I broke some mental barriers I had about swimming in a competitive environment. There will be another swim meet in the fall and I'm pretty sure I'll sign up for the 200m again, just to see how far I have come.

Lessons Learned from 2010

2011-01-17T10:01:00.002-05:00

It has taken me a while to sit down and write this post, but I have been thinking about it for about a month. 2010 has been a difficult year for me, but I have learned a lot about myself during this challenging year.

As we approach the one-year anniversary of my stomach infection & hospitalization in Mexico, I realize how much impact this infection has had on my physical and mental health in 2010. I haven't had many days when I felt fine, other than the blissful days when I was off work in April and could take all the time in the world to sleep and eat well, to exercise and meditate. 2010 has been a year of anxiety surrounding my health. I burned out, I ate little, I spent many hours awake in the night worrying about my physical and mental health and the future in general. Honestly, I'm not sure how I managed to remain somewhat functionnal when I was experiencing such a high level of anxiety.

In 2010, I have learned that I can live with anxiety, even when it seems like it is taking control of me. I have learned that I don't need food to comfort me - in fact, eating my emotions made everything worse. I have learned that I need to respect my body, or it will turn its back on me. I have learned that if I get sick, it means that I haven't been living according to my values and limitations. I have found my limits. I am working on accepting them.

Towards the end of the year, I have realized how to be kinder to myself, really. I understood that I'm the only one responsible for my well-being and that I can take care of myself without putting additional pressure on myself. I am now aware of the problems in my professional life, and I have an idea on how to bring more satisfaction to my daily life. It may never be a carreer in itself, but it would make my life more interesting to pursue this idea.

I know that I am strong enough to manage if I take days one at a time. I will be fine.

Now, I wouldn't mind having less learning opportunities in 2011!

Running!

2010-11-07T10:14:00.004-05:00

After a few months of very minimal running, it looks like I am finally back at it! This summer has been brutal for me: every run was difficult and disapointing. Each time I went out, I felt like I was going to die. Seriously, it was so tough! Neither the body nor the mental wanted to run, so I decided to focus on swimming and biking instead. Now that biking season is over, I find myself wanting to do more exercise than just the two swims a week that I am currently doing.

And so I got the running shoes out of the closet and went for a run at lunch the other day. What a gorgeous day it was for a run! Sunny, no wind, 7 degrees. Perfect. And the best part? My run wasn't even that difficult. I felt light and happy and it was a nice change from feeling like I was on the verge of passing out.

I didn't want to get too excited too soon, so I cautiously went for another run yesterday. Aaaah! Endorphins, how I have missed you. I ran/walked happily, without having to talk myself into continuing or not going home. I just ran and enjoyed it! If all my runs are now that enjoyable, it should be easy to get me into a running routine again.

I've been unwell since the summer and I think this would explain why running was so difficult. My digestive issues now seem to be under control and I'm recovering nicely because I'm following a strict diet as best I can. I hope I'm back at it for good, now! :-)

Swimming with the Triathlon Club

2010-10-24T10:18:00.004-04:00

I signed up for the Ottawa Triathlon Club's swim program. It means that I swim with the club every Sunday night, from 8-9pm. I have done two session with the club so far and I am enjoying it. I like how they are deconstructing the stroke so that we practice one aspect every week. I also like how you go at your own pace - we do drills for a set amount of time rather than for a certain distance, so the more advanced swimmers are not slowed down by the slowest ones.

I am enjoying getting some structure into my swim workouts. It's good to know that all I have to do is show up, and do what I am being told. I also like how it is not boring to swim with the group, compared to swimming laps on Tuesdays. I find that when I only swim laps, I get bored after 750m, so I tend to stop there. Whereas with the triathlon club, I swam 1,200m the other day and I was not bored at all!

I'm trying to swim twice a week right now. I much prefer swimming to running and sometimes I think I should just swim 3 times a week and only run once or twice, but my skin is not liking being in the pool "so much", so I have to take it easy.

I think I'm going to become a much stronger swimmer this year. :-) I wish I hadn't lost my running mojo as I am now thinking that even though my swimming will improve, there will still be something holding me back in triathlons: the running. Meh.

Défi aérien du Camp Fortune

2010-09-26T09:09:00.006-04:00

Le 17 septembre, j'ai complété le Défi aérien du Camp Fortune. Ouf! Que d'émotions. Le parcours consiste en une série de défis et de tyroliennes, à relever à plusieurs mètres du sol, attachés par un harnais. Je n'étais pas des plus enthousiastes à relever ce défi, mais étant de nature participative, je me suis dis que j'essaierais.

Je croyais avoir peur des hauteurs, mais en réalité, je n'ai pas vraiment eu de difficulté avec l'aspect "hauteurs" de la chose. C'est plutôt les montées dans les échelles qui me rendaient vraiment anxieuses, mais je ne comprends pas trop pourquoi. Certains obstacles étaient plutôt faciles et demandaient seulement un peu de concentration alors que d'autres obstacles étaient vraiment difficiles et demandaient un très bon sens de l'équilibre et beaucoup de courage.

J'ai été surprise par mon habileté à faire confiance à mon équipement. Quand on faisait les tyroliennes, on devait se lancer dans le vide et croire que notre équipement nous protégerait des chutes. Ça demandait un laisser-aller assez fort, mais le jeu en valait la chandelle parce que c'était vraiment amusant!

Après l'aventure, qui a duré environ 2 heures, j'ai été prise d'une sorte d'état de choc parce que j'avais vraiment repoussé mes limites mentales pendant l'activité. J'en ai eu pour plus de 24 heures à avoir des nausées, une grande fatigue et une agitation qui ne m'est pas habituelle. C'est probablement l'adrénaline qui quittait tranquillement mon corps...

Je referais le défi, mais j'aimerais mieux attendre l'année prochaine, quand j'aurai oublié à quel point j'ai eu peur!

JF's First Marathon

2010-09-19T15:08:00.005-04:00

On September 5th, JF participated in the Montreal Marathon. This first marathon has been years in the making because JF got injured a few weeks before each of his two previous attempts. The saying says third time's a charm and after hours of training, JF got to the start line of his first marathon. It was an almost perfect day to run a marathon: the temperature was about 18 degrees, with a mix of sun and clouds. However, the wind was cold and strong, and it made the race challenging on a few occasions.

JF was running with his friend Éric and I was cheering with Éric's wife, Karine, and their 4 year-old son. The race started at 8:40 in the morning. Karine and I planned to cheer them on at the 5K point, on Saint-Hélène Island. When they passed by us, they looked strong and happy.

We then took the subway back to Old Montreal, where we waited a long time for them around the 18K mark. Once again, they ran by us with bright smiles and they looked strong.

We then walked to the corner of Ste-Catherine and Berri (25K mark) and cheered the Full and Half marathoners on, while we waited for JF and Éric. Sonia saw us and we cheered for her: she looked good! I got very emotional at some point, seeing all those people suffering in front of us. Some looked better than others and you could not help but feel a little bit of their pain.

When Éric and JF finally made it to where we were, they didn't look so good. Éric looked like he was suffering a bit, but JF looked like hell. He ran towards me and told me 'this is so tough', but I didn't know if he needed a word of encouragement, or a hug, or just to tell me how he was feeling so I just stood there, feeling powerless at helping him. I got very worried and I wondered if he would be OK. All sorts of things were going through my head as we took the subway from Berri-UQAM to Rosemont. I was so worried!

We saw Sonia again at Rosemont and she seemed to be having a good time with her Significant Other. She was all smiles!

When JF and Éric passed us at the 31K mark, they both seemed to be in better spirits. They seemed to be in pain physically, but I knew the dark clouds hovering over their head was gone and that they were going to finish. What a relief! I was so scared of not seeing them at Rosemont, that JF would call it a day and take the subway back home with me, or that he would have been taken to a hospital. Having no idea what happened between 17K and 25K, every worst-case scenario going through my head seemed likely.

I was also starting to feel achy and tired from all this running around and cheering. By 31K, my ankles were on fire and my throat was really sore. I could have lied down to rest for a little while, but there was no time to be lost and as soon as we saw Éric and JF at 31K, we ran like mad women to the subway. We were hoping to make it to Pie-IX at the 37K mark before them, but we had to take 2 different subway lines and time was tight. We were lucky that we catched the 2nd subway as soon as we got to the station. We ran up the Pie IX hill, me pushing the stroller with the kid in it and my friend trying to call her in-laws and find our friends who had come to join us at this point. We made it to the corner of Pie IX and Rachel a few minutes before Éric and JF. When we saw them, JF was definitely looking better but you could tell Éric was digging deep to finish.

We started walking towards our final cheering point at the Olympic Stadium. We stopped on the side of the course at the Marathon Door, where all the runners were coming into the Stadium for their final kick. It was a very emotional place: some runners looked ecstatic, others were in tears, in shock, in pain. I cheered my loudest at this point and saw Sonia's fiancé run by. I was a bit worried about Sonia but thought she must have made it in faster than L.-A. (turned out I was wrong, she crossed the finish line 10 minutes after L.-A.). When I finally saw JF, he was running in front of Éric and he looked like he was very, very angry. When he saw me, he ran towards me, pumped his fist in the air and said "I %?%$?)_* got it done!" This is where I started crying. All this work, all these years, the difficult race he seemed to have had - and there he was, a few meters from the finish line. I was so proud of him for being so tough. I was so happy he got his happy ending. Éric crossed the finish line 1 second ahead of JF and then we all celebrated.

A few weeks after the race, I'm still in awe at JF's accomplishment. It took a lot of mental strenght, determination and courage to get through the training and then the race. What an achievement! Now that I have seen all it takes to finish a marathon, I honestly don't think I have it. I'm OK with that and I'm glad I could live this experience vicariously through JF.

I've been thinking...

2010-08-28T15:09:00.003-04:00

Lately, I haven't felt the love for running. In fact, I haven't run more than once and sometimes twice a week since July. I'm having a hard time with all the heat, the sun and the humidity we've had this Summer. I have also not been feeling very good lately, and I think I found the culprit this morning: my seasonal allergies. They are not as bad as usual this year, which is why it took me so long to figure it out, but the symptoms drain my energy nonetheless. I went to the doctor this morning to get some nasal spray and it should help me get back to normal.

Anyway, I've been wondering if I had fallen out of love with running and if I should just give up. I was talking to a friend this week, trying to put all my thoughts together to make her understand how I felt. She told me she knew a lot of people who didn't run, or ran a lot less, in the Summer. These people were the same as me: people who have a hard time with the heat, humidity and allergies. Interesting.

So, I started to devise a seasonal training plan, where I would run from September to May and where I would allow myself to run only when I want from June to August. This would give me the flexibility to not run during heat waves or during insane allergy peaks, and it would remove a lot of the pressure I put on myself all the time. My plan also includes riding my bike outside from April to November and taking a break from it the rest of the time. Again, it wouldn't mean I wouldn't ride at all the rest of the year, but it would mean I wouldn't put pressure on myself to ride on the dreaded trainer in the winter. I would replace some of the biking with yoga: i'll do yoga on the weekends in winter instead of going for a long bike ride. For swimming, I thought i'd swim all year. I usually swim once a week, but because I'm joining the swim group with the triathlon club this fall, I think i'll aim for twice a week, except when it's -40 outside and I feel like taking a mini-break.

I also started thinking about long-term goals, such as:
- being able to ride and swim the Half-Ironman distance in 2012 (1.9K swim and 90K bike);
- doing my first Sprint Triathlon in 2011;
- being able to run 10K sometime in 2011;
- doing my first Olympic Triathlon in 2012;
- doing my first Half-Marathon in 2013 or 2014;
- doing my first Half-Ironman in 2015.

I'm not sure those are all possible, but I like the idea of working towards a goal and having a dream (Half-Ironman).

Now, I only have to make it through this week's heat wave and I'll be able to start to run again.

Best Open Water Swim So Far!

2010-08-22T09:26:00.003-04:00

Ever since I first thought about doing triathlons, I have had to face a number of fears, which i blogged about here. The next fear on my list was to swim at Meech Lake. I knew that I would have to face that fear sooner or later because every triathlete I know has swam at Meech at some point. I was intimidated by Meech because it's a lake, there are fishes in it, it's deep, it's dark and you have to swim away from the safety of the shore.

Sometime this Summer, I made a mental list of the things that I still hadn't done and that scared me the most. Interestingly, I was most scared of swimming at Meech than I was scared at swimming in the Ottawa River; I was also less scared of swimming at Meech than I was at riding with clipless pedals or on aerobars; and, I was intimidated by the idea of buying and putting on a wetsuit. I decided to face one of those fears this year, and so I chose open water swimming as my fear to tackle in the Summer of 2010.

Cynthia and I went to Brittania a few times and it was tough. I couldn't swim many strokes before I got uneasy in the water and had to stop to get control of my breathing again. Cynthia helped me tremendously by giving me tips and pushing me to do just a little bit more than I thought I was capable of. She challenged me to swim for 10 breaths, then 15, then 20 (I made it to 17). She calmed me down when I freaked out because of the weeds/plants in the river. She really didn't get much of a training when she came swimming with me, and I felt bad for her. When I told her that, she said she was investing time in me so that she'd get a stronger swim buddy next year.

Anyway, last week, she suggested we try Meech Lake, because it was easier to access. I said yes, but man, was I scared. When we got there, it was 20 degrees outside and there was some light rain. I was kinda hoping there would be a storm and we couldn't go, but the skies cleared up by the time we were finished putting our wetsuits (I'm not intimidated by it anymore! yay!). The water was so warm, it was very pleasant.

A loop at Meech Lake is about 650m: you swim to a small island in the middle of the lake, then around it and back. We didn't have any objective for this swim, the goal was just to get me used to swimming there. Off we went. Holy crap, the aquatic plants are huge at Meech. So. Scary. Ewwwwww. I'm not sure what it is about aquatic plants that scare me like that, but they really do. Fortunately, you swim a few strokes and you don't see them anymore. I must have swam a good 30-35m before I freaked because of the plants and I was happily surprised.

I then faced my fear of swimming in the dark and was surprised to notice that swimming in the dark is not that scary! It was kind of comforting, which was really weird. I hadn't expected to be so afraid of aquatic plants, and I was not afraid of swimming in the dark. I mean, I was not super comfortable either, I had to take breaks every now and then to catch my breath, but I almost made it to the island. I think the reason why I was nerveous was that I was on the lookout for fishes. Fishes scare the hell out of me. Fortunately, I didn't see any. I made it to the point near the island where you see the stupid scary plants and then I swam the distance horizontally to be able to say that I swam to the island.

The swim back was eventful, with me losing one of my goggle lenses about 100m from the shore. I had to swim to the shore with my head out of the water, which had the upside of not allowing me to see the scary plants.

I swam at least 500m that day and I was soooooooo proud. :-) It made me want to go back to Meech, but Fall is coming and it's not as easy to go open water swimming after work anymore. Plus, I think I prefer to end my open water swimming season with an excellent experience! It's back to the pool now. When open water swimming season opens again next year, I'll be a much stronger swimmer. I'll take on those aquatic plants!

The Mental Game

2010-08-15T13:59:00.003-04:00

After I wrote my last race report, I noticed that most of my struggles this year have been related to my weak "Mental". What I call "My Mental" is the series of thoughts, feelings and sensations on my mind at any given moment. This year has been really tough mentally, and not just from an athletic point of view. It started off with my crazy stomach infection in Mexico, continued on with the high anxiety I felt following this infection, then with the insane stress levels I've experienced at work. This led me to a mini burnout in March. I then took 7 weeks off to take care of my mind and body and get back to a balanced life. All was good, until I went back to work and had to start balancing my personal life with my professional life. Again, I didn't do too bad with that until June rolled around and the stress at work became worse again, at the same time we started getting hot and humid weather.

I suffered from a heat exhaustion episode in early July, because I didn't pay attention to the amount of fluids I was taking in while biking and swimming. I felt pretty sick from the heat and I beat myself up for not paying attention to how my body was feeling until it was too late. Following this, I became hyper-aware of my body and everything went down the drain. It's either too hot, too sunny, too humid, too windy to go for a run. I don't run unless the conditions are perfect, because I don't know how to differienciate between feeling hot and suffering from heat exhaustion. I have terrible anxiety running in the sun and I often feel like I'm going to pass out when I do. Of course, I don't pass out, but I'm scared of passing out so I avoid running. This was all made worse a few weeks ago when I went running first thing in the morning and came back home with a bad migraine that kept me in bed all day.

All this to say that I have been through difficult times this year and I don't know how to take control of My Mental again. I can't ignore it completely when it tells me to be careful or take it easy, but I can't keep on listening to everything it says either. I'm feeling a bit lost in this mess and I'm not sure how to approach it. Do I need a break? Or do I need to just push through the discomfort?

The Day My Mental Challenged Me: National Capital Triathlon

2010-08-01T20:33:00.006-04:00

The stats:

200m swim: 5:48 (Improvement of 1:40 over my best time!)
20km bike + T1: 57:34 for an average of 20.8 kph (I can do much better)
5K run + T2: 43:46 (again, I can do much better)
Total time: 1:47:06 (my best time on this course by about 2 minutes)

My plan was to do my first Sprint Triathlon at the National Capital Triathlon this year. However, after buying my wetsuit and realizing it's a lot tougher (mostly mentally, but also physically) to swim in open water, I started having doubts. I wondered if I was scared or if I really wasn't ready. You can never know for sure, I guess, but a week before the event, I decided to do the Super Sprint Triathlon instead of the Sprint Triathlon and this was one of the best decisions I've made this year!

The difference between the Super Sprint and the Sprint is the swim distance: the Super Sprint is 200m in shallow water whereas the Sprint is 500m in "regular" water. The Super Sprint swim follows the shoreline and the Sprint goes right to the middle of the river. Having had my share of panic moments in open water swim training, i knew it would be risky for me to do the Sprint. I was worried that I would have a panic attack once everyone was gone and I was all alone in the middle of the river. Knowing there would be kayakists nearby was not really reassuring me. After a lot of debate, I did a risk analysis and concluded that the likelihood of me having a panic attack was quite high and that the consequence of such a panic attack would be very high too.

The minute I made my decision, I started to look forward to the race rather than being scared and worried. That's when I knew I made the right decision. :-)

The race didn't go really well. I could list a few excuses, namely that my allergies have just gotten intense and that I slept 2 or 3 hours the night before my triathlon. These certainly contributed to the outcome of the day, but the real challenge during this race was to ignore "the mental" that wouldn't shut up. Seriously, the whole 1 hour and 47 minutes it took me to complete the race, the mental kept telling me how much I sucked and how I was an imposter. It told me it was a good thing I hadn't been stupid enough to sign up for the Sprint Tri. It asked me why I bothered spending money on race entry fees when I sucked so much: why not just train to stay fit and forget about races? It asked me who I thought I was, participating in triathlon races as if I was an athlete. It said I should DNF and I considered it. It whined. It told me to notice how poor my performance on the bike was, when it was usually my strongest sport of the three. It told me the run would be awful, because I haven't run much lately. It even told me I was so frickin' fat. Seriously, the mental was vicious yesterday.

My mind kept fighting the mental. It kept telling it to shut up and tell me to just keep going. It told me not to give up, that I trained for this and that I could do it, even if it was hard and even if I didn't reach my objectives. It told me to swim/bike/run my own race and not to worry about everyone around me. It told me that there was something to be learned from a difficult race, that I just had to keep trucking and that when I reached the finish line, I would understand what I had to learn that day. It told me to run with joy. It told me to appreciate the moment, because the weather was perfect, just like I had prayed for. It told me that it thought I had a good swim and that I may have done a better time than my other swims in Mooney's Bay. It made me notice the sign that said "Pain is just weakness leaving your body" and I visualized my "wimpiness" leave me. When it got really tough on the run, it told me it was OK to walk because it was such a difficult day. When my breathing was back under control, it told me to run just a little bit, one more step and one more.

Everytime someone cheered for me, it gave me more resolve to keep going and fight the mental. I knew I was doing the right thing and I wanted to defeat the mental, even if I hurt a lot while doing it. As I approached the finish line, I got angry at the mental and pushed as hard as I could (which wasn't much!) up the little hill before the last 50m to the finish line. It was then that Cynthia reached me. She made those last 50m much more enjoyable and much less focused on the mental. We say misery loves company, but I swear that company pushes the misery away.

Mind: 1 Mental: 0

The Day I Played the Crabby One - Graham Beasley Triathlon Olympic Relay

2010-07-12T18:23:00.003-04:00

The Stats

Graham Beasley Triathlon
Carleton Place, ON
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Olympic Triathlon Relay
Two Frogs and a Crabby Broad
Bike leg - 40km
Completed in 1:53:39, including transitions
Average speed on the bike: 22.3 kph
Maximum speed on the bike: 41.9 kph (fastest I ever rode at)
Number of litres of fluids drank before, during and right after the race: 3.0
Rank: 5/5 for Olympic Relay Teams

The tweets

6:00... Cr@p, I’m only getting out of bed and my lower back is already hurting.
6:30... Wow, everybody who’s out at this hour on a Sunday morning seems to be going to the same place. This is neat!
7:15... Here’s Jo-Jo! She seems to be in a really good mood which is quite unusual. I wonder why that is.
8:30... I will never have enough water to last the whole morning. We must go get some.
9.00... I really like hanging out with Jo-Jo. She's such a great person!
9:15... Time to go! I can’t believe we almost missed Cynthia. It's a good thing I know what she looks like when she runs with her wetsuit – I’m glad we didn’t lose too much time in transition.
9:25... Wo, it’s pretty lonely here. I usually follow other cyclists, but there’s no one around this morning. I hope I don’t get lost. I wonder if the road is closed.
9:30... Here come the Sprint people! Here they are gone. Geez, I’m slow.
9:35... I'm so glad I went to get water with Jo-Jo. It loosened up my lower back. I hope I ride far before it starts hurting.
9:40... Rolling hills, huh? I’m not sure I will like that, but if it stays that way, I'll be fine.
9:45... Woah! This stretch of road is rough. I really hope it’s not like that the whole time or I’ll never make it!
9:50... Turn-around point for the Sprint Tri. What a stupid idea it was to do the Olympic. Frick, I’m only 25% done and I’m already suffering from the heat. On the positive side, it’s awesome that I now consider a 20K ride short. It used to be a challenge for me. I’ve come a long way this year!
9:55... What a stupid idea to do a race in July. Seriously, it’s always + stupid in July. The odds are that it will be freaking hot.
10:00... FFS – stupid hill. I hate it.
10:01... OK, don’t look up. Look down and take this hill one stroke at a time.
10:02... Holy geez, I really have to train on hillier terrain. I'm not out of breath and my quads are not on fire, but I'm not used to that kind of rythmn.
10:08... NO WAY. Another freaking hill, even bigger than the one before. The race organizers must have had a good time when they decided to put the turnaround point on top of that stupid hill. I bet they thought it would be funny. Stupid hills. Stupid sun. I want some shade, I’m so hot.
10:10... I hope I don’t pass out. Stupid, stupid hill.
10:12... Turnaround! Woohoo, it’s all downhill from here. Thank God for the cheerful volunteers, they are making me a bit less crabby.
10:20... OK, I hadn’t noticed that I got some downhill on the way out. I must climb those stupid hills again on the way back. Sigh.
10:25... Seriously, this is the last race I do in July. It’s way too hot in July. I’m overheating!
10:30... Aaaaaaaaah, the freshness of water poured over one’s head. I don't care if I looked stupid getting the reservoir out of the camelback so that I could pour some water over myself. I don't care anymore. This being said, I need to consider a new hydration method. This is not convenient.
10:40... OK, I have about half an hour to go. I can do this. I hope I'm not making the math wrong.
11:00... Oooh, a downhill. Let’s see if I can beat my fastest speed ever.
11:01... Oh Oh. What’s that crazy noise coming from my bike?
11:05... I really have to get that rear wheel and brakes checked. I think there is a problem remaining from my bike accident - it's like the wheel is crooked. Yikes.
11:06... Bike accident… shudder.
11:07... Speaking of bike accident, I’m hurting everywhere. Who knew you could hurt so much just from exercising? My wrists are hurting, my shoulder and neck are hurting, my lower back is hurting, my hip is hurting, my quads are hurting and even my feet are hurting!
11:10... Is it ever lonely here? Where is everyone? Am I that slow that they’re all done by now? Stupid race, I’m never doing this again.
11:11... 2K left. I hope the course is not long or I’ll be very angry. You know, like when you train with a personal trainer and they tell you to do 10 reps and when you're done, they ask for 2 more? I hate, hate, hate those tactics.
11:20... Back to T-zone. It’s heaven - the faster I run my bike to the rack, the faster I can jump into the river. Wait, the girls aren’t there. Cr@p! Oh, there they are.. hey I’m here, come on, look at me, I’m coming your way and I’m done. A little enthusiasm, please?
11:21... F?%&%& man, that was so hard. Toughest bike ride ever.
11:30... Aaaaah, life is good again. That river is very refreshing. I could stay in here all day.
11:35... The awesome thing about today is that I properly hydrated. Woohoo! Not every race has to end in dehydration. That was a good learning experience today. Still, I really have a problem with exercising in the sun.
12:00... Aaaaah, sitting in the shade after being in the sun for so long. I hope Jo-Jo takes her time to finish. I’m rather comfortable here
12:20... Here she comes! Woohoo, well done Jo-Jo! Oh my God, she’s still smiling. In typical Jo-Jo fashion, she made a friend out on this lonely course.
12:21... Oh my God, she says she had a good time today. I guess this means I was the crabby one today. Too funny! Ah, how I love those girls! What a great team we make.
12:50... Next year? I wonder if I could ride for 90K?

Foot note

Following the redaction of this race report, I had a discussion with a friend about the negativity in what I had written. She told me I would have had a much better experience if I had thought positive thoughts. I told her that I really did not feel like thinking positive thoughts and that if I had done so, it would have made me even crabbier, because I would have known I was in total denial.

Today, I can think about the race and laugh about how negative I felt when I was out on the course. I think the important thing is not to think positive thoughts no matter what, but to accept those negative thoughts when the going gets tough and let them go as soon as things return to normal. This is one of the lessons I learned from this race: it’s OK to think negative thoughts, just don’t hold on to them for too long.

Canada Day Bushtukah 5K Race

2010-07-01T15:55:00.007-04:00

I participated in the 5K event at the Canada Day Bushtukah Running Race this morning. It was a really well organized race on a flat course and it was not crowded - those were the perfect conditions for me to establish my post-injuries 5K baseline. Having been surprised to pull a sub-40 at NCM a few weeks ago, I was wondering what I could do when I was not stuck following a big crowd.

Things didn't start up too well. I got a major IBS flare-up last night following the BBQ we had at work. I may have eaten something or simply eaten too much, and this did not go well with the stress of the race. I could not eat a regular breakfast this morning, which I knew was not a good idea. I only had a granola bar and some water and hoped for the best.

I sent JF off on his 10K race and waited for my race to start, 45 minutes later. It was pretty lonely out there - it seems like I was the only person who was hanging out on her own. I'm really not used to that, because there are usually a bunch of Running Maniacs to hang out with at races. Today, it seemed they were all running the 10K! Eventually, my friend Nancy found me. It was awesome to see her there, because I was really nervous. Nancy is the one who ran with me when I achieved my 5K PB so it was good to see her before the race. :-)

When the race started, everyone was passing me even though I was closer to the back of the pack and I told myself that these people were going out way too fast and that I would catch up to them later. I mean, I was running 6:33/K, it's not as if I was going super slow! It turned out I was wrong - I never caught up to most of these people.

My plan was to run 3:1s, considering I'm up to 4:1s in training. I followed my plan for most of the race and I only took a longer walk break close to 4K when I got a very bad side stitch. I was trotting along, doing my thing and at some point, I turned a corner and the finish line was in sight! My Garmin said I was 36 minutes into the race, so I dug deep and kept running towards the finish line. I saw JF 100m before I crossed the finish line and he was encouraging me to do a final push, but I honestly had nothing left in me for that push, so I just kept going. I crossed the finish line in 37:38, which is my third best official 5K time ever.

I usually have emotional races, where I try to run with joy or to think positive thoughts. At some point, though, I usually crash mentally because I can't keep up with the positive thinking. Today, I ran a "rational" race where I was working towards a quantitative goal (get as close to my PB as possible). Although I didn't feel the joy I usually feel during my races, I didn't crash mentally and I concentrated on getting 'er done. As a result, I enjoyed the present moment more than I have ever done in any race. I wouldn't run, or even race, that way all the time, because I really enjoy the emotional experience I get from running, but it was good to experience a different way of racing today.

I now have a baseline, and a new goal: smash that PB!

On a Roll!

2010-06-20T20:33:00.003-04:00

Things have been going really well for me in the past month, and even more in the last week. I'm making big progress in the pool and on my bike. I'm becoming more confident about my Sprint Triathlon objective and I'm having a lot more fun training. I think my mental has gotten a lot stronger and this is having an impact on my training as well as on my life in general. :-)

A few days ago, I took the plunge and started shopping for a wetsuit. I'm excited about my first "real" open water swim, where I'll swim in non-shallow waters. This used to scare me, but now it sounds exciting. I ordered my wetsuit online and should receive it sometimes in the next 10 days. I hope it fits well!

Yesterday, I went for a run and it went OK. I was relieved because my last runs have been very tough and it killed my motivation to go running. I was planning on running the 10K at the Montreal Marathon on Labor Day weekend, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not sure I want to train for a 10K in the heat of the summer. At the same time, if things go well, then I wouldn't mind increasing my distance. Since the event doesn't sell out, I have a lot of time to make a decision, I guess.

Today, I rode my longest distance ever! I was planning on going out for 35K, but ended up doing 40.8K because I felt fine and I needed the mental boost doing the distance would give me. I'm still super excited about my achievement! I'm tired and I'm hurting a bit, but it was great. I am really enjoying riding my bike. I think it's the only time in my daily life when I am truly in the present. When I'm on my bike, I listen to my thoughts and follow them, but I usually don't worry about the past or the future, which is a nice break. I also started singing to myself while on my bike. When there's no one around, I sing some happy songs in a low voice and it cheers me up instantly! I love how happy I am on my bike these days. :-)

During my ride this morning, I recognized the site where I had my accident almost 2 years ago. I was happy to see that I could notice the site without feeling fear or anxiety about it. I didn't have any flashbacks and didn't really feel uncomfortable on my bike after we passed the site. I guess this means I'm fully healed, even if my ribs sometime tell me differently when the weather changes.

Life is good. :-)

Joy-full at Riverkeeper!

2010-06-12T13:53:00.005-04:00

Today, I participated in the Riverkeeper Triathlon, as part of the Sprint Tri Relay. I was the cyclist of the team and it meant I was to ride about 23K today.

When I woke up, it was raining. This made me nerveous, because I'm not used to riding my road bike in the rain. Usually, when it rains, I postpone my rides... The only times I ride in the rain is when it rains on my commute back home! I usually enjoy doing stuff in the rain, and this morning was no different.

The rain started coming down hard when the race started. My friend Cynthia was our swimmer, so i went back to T-Zone to get ready as soon as she started on her swim. By the time she finished her swim, I was already quite wet from standing under the rain. I ran the whole time between the T-zone and the mounting line, which is a first for me. There is usually a time when running with my bike that I need to stop and walk. Not this time!

Cynthia was continuing with the Sprint Tri on her own after her swim (she swam with two chips!), and I didn't want her to pass me too early into the race so I made sure I started off hard from the start. She only passed me a few kilometers from the end of the bike leg, so I am very happy with that. The bike ride went great, despite the rain and my shoes that got full of water 1-2 kilometers into the race: I felt strong, I was not out of breath, I was feeling in control on my bike. At times, I even had bursts of joy when I was thinking how hardcore it was to do a race like that in the rain. ;-)

There was only one time during my race when I didn't feel as good, and it's when I thought about a difficult situation at work. When this thought occured, it was as if I had suddenly gotten very tired, weak and unmotivated. It was really strange: I felt the energy coming out of me! Fortunately, I realized what was happening and put a lot of effort to bring my mental back to happy thoughts of riding in the rain and feeling strong on the bike. I also started singing to myself, happy happy happy songs from Glee. It worked and I was soon back to cruising speed!

I finished strong and my bike computer tells me my average speed was 23.6 kph. This is awesome, considering this includes my run in and out of the bike, at 6-7kph for a few minutes! I'm also glad to have seen the results of all the bike training I've been doing since March (I almost have 500K under the belt already!) - I am becoming a much stronger cyclist. :-)

Next up: a 5K run on Canada Day and the 40K bike leg of the Olympic Tri Relay at the Carleton Place Triathlon in July.

Joy-less at NCM 5K

2010-05-31T08:42:00.003-04:00

I ran the 5K at the National Capital Marathon Race Weekend. Coming into the race, I was really nerveous about my hip. Lately, it's been bugging me a lot and I was worried the psoas would tear again, so I haven't been pushing much. The time spent not running was not good for my mental health and I felt aggressive on Saturday all day. I worked very hard on Saturday to get my mental in a much positive state, only to have my hard work smashed by some negative energy dumped on me 2 hours before the race.

I usually get emotional at the Start Line, but this year, I was annoyed. Annoyed at the people with strollers - strollers should not be allowed in such a big race. Annoyed at the man who already stunk as if he'd just run a marathon. Annoyed at the obvious walkers who were standing near me (there was a woman with a peasant skirt and a stray hat standing next to me). Things got worse when the race started - it took me more than 6 minutes to get across the start line, which is to be expected in such a big crowd. However, you usually start running once you approach the start line, but this year, I wasn't able to run until I was at least 100m passed the start line. I could have dealt with that if I hadn't had to run around all those walkers who had put themselves in front of me at the start line. Totally annoying. If you're going to walk, you should be at the back of the group, not in the middle of it.

I was happily surprised to be able to run for 5 minutes staight at the start of the race, and happier when I was able to run for another 5 minutes afterwards. But then, things got ugly. The sun was unbelievable hot, the humidity was high, my mood was very negative and I started to suffer. I made it to Pretoria Bridge because I knew my friends would be there to cheer me on and it was so great to see them. However, after that, I physically and mentally crashed and I had to walk for at least 5 minutes before I was able to cool down.

I eventually made it to the water station, at the 4K mark. By the time I got there, I was overheating and had felt like puking for at least 2 kilometers. I poured some water on my neck/back and drank a glass of water and this gave me some energy. At this point, I was at 31 minutes and I knew sub-40 was totally possible if I could just find some shade to run into. The about-to-puke feeling didn't leave me until long after the race. Had I known, I would have brought water with me.

I made it across the finish line in 39:27, which is my 4th best time ever in the 5K. I was pleased with the result. I was even more pleased that I hadn't torn my psoas. What a relief!

I usually feel joy at some point in my running races, but this year, I didn't feel any. This sucked. I wish I wouldn't get so affected by other people's anger and negativity, but I just do. I wouldn't say those people ruined my race, because I'm responsible for how I respond to other people's actions, but I'm writing this here to recognize that this is something I need to work on so that other future races don't get ruined by whiners.

Now is the time for triathlon season! On the program: a Sprint Tri Relay in 2 weeks, an Olympic Tri Relay in mid-July and my first Sprint Tri in August. This should be a fun summer!

Cycling for Balance?

2010-04-12T16:02:00.005-04:00

Someone told me something interesting today. She said she once heard someone explain how cycling was a sport of balance and how it helped people achieve balance in their life. She thought this made a lot of sense and she shared it with me when I told her about my recent thoughts about the place running should have in my life priorities.

I believe this is a great image. When I ride my bike, I think about the difficult things in my life, whether they are problems or negative emotions. Because I need to pay attention to what I'm doing while riding my bike, I never give full attention to my thoughts and I usually achieve a state of mind where I observe my thoughts without judging them - the same thing we're supposed to do while meditating. Sometimes, I feel like the answers to my problems just pop into my head without me working really hard to make them happen. Other times, I feel like I'm leaving the negative emotions behind by making sense of them while I ride.

The interesting part is that I think my life got so out of balance last fall after I stopped riding my bike. I thought the bad stuff just happened, but I now think that maybe riding my bike was helping me process some feelings that I simply could not process after I stopped riding. I then got overwhelmed by my negative feelings and simply could not manage anymore!

I always thought running kept me sane by helping me evacuate the bad stuff before it made me sick (stress, anger, guilt, frustration, etc.) and that swimming kept me running. I don't think I've ever found a purpose for cycling, except going from point A to point B, but I'm now starting to wonder if cycling is the more important sport of the three?

Priorities

2010-04-09T15:07:00.002-04:00

I am starting to get into running again. I feel so good after a run and not just because of the crazy endorphins boost I get. I feel better about where I am in life, more content about the positive things that surround me. I also feel so much better in my skin when I am active!

About a year ago, two sedentary people told me that running and triathlon training in general were too big a priority for me and that I should probably seek a better balance between training and doing other things. I heard what these women were saying and I started thinking that maybe running, swimming and biking so much was not such a good thing for me. I decided to do other things as well, and as a result, I ran and swam a lot less. Sure, I enjoyed cooking great meals, seeing my non-running friends and doing scrapbooking, but all those things didn't really make me feel a lot better about myself and more comfortable in my own skin.

I now realize that I don't live the typical life of a 32 year-old and therefore, I shouldn't let the people who live that life (married, full-time job and kids) define what would be a balanced lifestyle for me, in my current situation.

I really lost track of what felt good for me in the past 2 years and I'm only now realizing how important it is for my physical and mental health as well as my overall well-being that I remain active. I can't be a good friend if I don't feel good about myself. I can't be a supportive partner if I hate myself. I can't be a happy employee if I'm always over-stressed because I'm not allowing myself to dig head-on into exercise when I'm under a lot of pressure at work.

For my own sake, running has to come back to the front burner from now on, no matter what others think.

Those d@mn Mexican bugs!

2010-02-14T10:40:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I started round 2 of antibiotics to try and get rid of that tough Mexican bacteria in my stomach. It seems to be working as I am feeling slightly better this morning than I was feeling yesterday.

Last weekend, I attempted to try being active again, considering that 2 weeks off was enough. I ran on Saturday. I was pleased that I was able to do 4 x 4:2s on the treadmill, but I was totally done after I finished. I wasn't sure if I would puke or pass out and I knew I pushed too hard. On Sunday morning, I got on the trainer for about 20 minutes. I didn't push - I just pedalled at a very leisurely pace. Well, even that was tough. Those 2 workouts energized me and I was feeling good on Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night, I went swimming and it went OK, but I got sick just before I went to bed. I got sicker as the week progressed, up until yesterday when I decided that enough was enough and I went to see a doctor. Hence the 2nd round of antibiotics.

I'm frustrated that I'm still not recovered. I was doing better mentally after those workouts, because I had finally found some motivation. I'm now down 10 lbs since I left for Mexico and it's great, but I'm worried I will gain it back if I'm not careful. Which is why I want to get back to being active as soon as possible. Oh well, I'm not really hungry right now and I'm really not eating as much as I could, so it's not as if I was in any danger of gaining the weight back right now. I'll just rest and concentrate on getting better. This is hard! I just want to do stuff, not just sports, but activities and fun stuff. I'm sick of lying around and taking it easy. Sigh.

I think SAD v.2010 has started to affect my mood, but so far, I'm not too depressed. I hope I can become active again before it hits full on. *knocks on wood*

Mexico 2010!

2010-01-30T18:13:00.027-05:00

JF and I went back to the Mayan Riviera (Mexico) this year. This time, we stayed at the Iberostar Paraiso Beach resort, which is located between Cancùn and Playa del Carmen. It is a beautiful resort, with a lot of vegetation and animals. Our room was in the building shown on the picture and it was nicely located near the beach, the pools and within a nice walking distance from the Lobby where the main buffet was.

At this hotel, everything is outside. The only place where you can be inside is in your room or at the Hotel boutiques and à-la-carte restaurants near the Lobby. Of course, many areas have a roof, so you're not stuck outside in the rain if it happens to rain, but you get to enjoy eating outside and just being outside in general.

The place had many non-human residents. Among them were what I called wild turkeys. They were hilarious: they were always walking around as a group and they made this crazy noise as they went. We had fun trying to guess what they were saying to each other. One night, we were hearing them from up in a tree and when we approached the tree, we saw a cat that was near the tree, looking at the birds. We thought the cat chased them into the tree, but it probably wasn't the case because they were up in the tree every night.

There were a number of cats, three parrots, many peacocks who liked to chill on people's balconies in the morning as well as a kind of raccoon, which I think is called a coatis. Those were too cute!

The pools were beautiful. We didn't use them much because we prefer to swim in the ocean, but they were very refreshing after a day at the beach. One thing we liked about the pools was that they varied in depth. There were areas that were more kid-friendly and areas that were for adults only. In the adult-only area, I had water up to my chin when I was standing on my toes!

One morning, JF went to the beach to look at the sun rise. He took many pictures of the quiet beach at this time of the day. He captured the beginning of one of the many warm and sunny days we had during our stay. It rained for a few hours on the Tuesday afternoon, but the rest of the week was beautiful: mostly sunny with a few clouds here and there. The beach was big enough for the number of guests at the hotel and there were enough palapas for everyone. The water was turquoise and although there were areas that had rocks, there were also a lot of areas that were sandy. You could play safely in the water without hurting yourself stepping on a rock. The whole week, the red flag was up, which meant we had to be careful because the waves were strong. I didn't feel like I was in danger, though. The waves were very "friendly" in that it didn't feel like they were trying to push you to the floor of the ocean. They just "played nicely" with us.

On Wednesday, we went to Xel-Ha - a park where you mostly go to snorkel. Xel-Ha used to be a wild area, but the park was created years ago to welcome more tourists and generate revenue, but also to protect the area. The park is beautiful and very well designed. As you walk around, you find many places where you can go into the water.

In the water, you get to see beautiful fishes: they're yellow, blue, white, grey and they don't come too close to humans, so it's perfect for someone who is scared of fishes like I am. We had bought disposable waterproof cameras and we didn't regret the expense. It was great to be able to take some pictures in the water and it turns out that those are our best pictures from our vacation! We had a wonderful time chasing the fishes all day in Xel-Ha. There were other activities, but we spent most of our time snorkeling. JF went deeper in the water and closer to the fishes, whereas I stayed at a safe distance from them. One time, I got bold and went very close to a blue fish I wanted to photograph, but when it looked at me and started coming in my direction, I panicked and turned around.

I started feeling nauseated in the afternoon, and I attributed the feeling to spending so much time in the water, going from an horizontal to a vertical position all the time. The waves were also quite strong in one area of the park, so I thought it was just my usual ear/balance problems when I spend too much time in the water. That night, I didn't eat much and went to bed early, hoping to be a whole new person in the morning! It turned out I was wrong: I woke up with an intense nausea at 5am the next morning and I spent the morning puking.

JF went to the beach, but he came back often to check on me. Sometime after 11am, he was in the room with me when I passed out. We knew something was wrong and we called the hotel doctor, who advised we go to the hospital. We took the taxi-ambulance and went to the Cancùn Hospiten, a very nice hospital where probably only tourists get treated. I was admitted and they put me on an IV while they did some tests to find out what was making me so sick. Turned out I had a bacterial infection in my stomach, that I probably got from swallowing water or drinking water at Xel-Ha. We spent the night in the hospital and they released me the next day before lunch.

Back at the hotel, we had a little over 24 hours left to our trip and I wanted to enjoy that time. We spent the afternoon at the beach and enjoyed a very light dinner instead of the à-la-carte we were supposed to have that night. The next morning, we went to the beach but I had to go back to my room at about 10:30 because the sun and the light were making me feel sick. I went back to my room, only to come out at 2:30, when the sun would not be as strong. Walking to the beach, I heard my name and was totally surprised to see JF's brother and his wife! We knew they were coming to Mexico for their belated honeymoon, but we didn't know they would stay at the same hotel as us! So, we spent a few hours with them before going back to our room to pack our stuff and go home.

Crazy week! I'm not ready to go back yet, but I think this wasn't the last time I visited Mexico. I just love this country.

2010 is here! Where's my mojo?

2010-01-10T20:55:00.002-05:00

A new year has started. 2010 is starting on the right foot for me from an athletic point of view: I'm not injured. My body's holding up. I shouldn't be surprised though. I haven't exercised that much in the past couple of months. I could list a number of good excuses and I could even add that even though I didn't exercise much, I haven't been sedentary either. I walked a lot and kept busy this Fall - I didn't just sit on my @ss.

I can't find my motivation! Every Sunday night, I intend on running 3 times in the coming week, and I can't seem to make myself run during the week. Work is crazy busy as I am replacing my manager and I always find a good reason not to run at lunch: I have important work to do, it's too cold, it's raining, etc. Then, I'm too tired to run on the treadmill when I get home, or I'm too hungry. Saturday morning comes, and I go out and do my weekly run. This is my life right now.

I can't make myself get on the dreaded trainer. I find it so boring! Even when watching TV shows or movies while pedaling I get bored. I can't wait for the nice weather to be back so that I can ride outside again!

Swimming... Sigh. Swimming requires me to go out at night or to wait for the bus in the cold when my hair is not completely dry. I know it's a lame excuse, because I like swimming once I get in the pool, but it's the logistics around it that annoy me. I signed up for a PowerSwim course that starts on February 22nd, so that should help with the motivation!

I have to lose some weight. Experience taught me that I can't lose weight by watching what I eat alone. I must exercise and do some strenght training. That's the only way I'll succeed.

I think that maybe I need a vacation, which I'm going to get next week. Then maybe I'll get my mojo back when I'm rested. Let's hope so!

6:1s

2009-12-19T14:25:00.002-05:00

I ran 3 x 6:1s this morning. It went well! The first 2 intervals were fine, but when I started running the third one, my body thought I was done because I got hit by a huge endorphin rush. The third interval was hard, because I just felt like stopping. And then, my iPod battery died after about 3 minutes so I had to finish the last 3 minutes with no music!

But I did it. :)

When I was finished I lied on the floor to stretch and I just felt like going to sleep right there! That was quite the workout.

Happy Runs :-)

2009-12-14T21:12:00.002-05:00

The pleasure of running is back! :-)

I think I've gotten through the toughest part of getting back to running and it's finally getting easier. I don't have that much merit, though, because I only ran once or twice a week since September, but somehow, this was enough to build back some cardio ability and some confidence.

I'm doing the Learn to Run program *my way*, not the John Stanton way of increasing the running intervals every week. Even when I managed to run three times during a week, I didn't increase the lenght of my intervals if I didn't feel ready to move up. So far, it's working really well for me: both the body and the mind are getting back into it.

Lately, I've been running while listening to songs from the TV show Glee. What wonderful songs to run to! They make me smile. On Sunday, it was so perfect: we went running on the Canal and the snow was falling slowly, I was listening to my tunes and I was enjoying a challenging, but manageable run. I'm doing 5:1s now and will move up to 6:1s next weekend.

All is good at last in my running world... more than 18 months after the train wreck.

5:1s... 30 billion... 2010...

2009-12-06T20:55:00.004-05:00

I have been able to run without interruption since early September. *KNOCK ON WOOD* For the past 18 months, there was always something: I would run for 2-3 weeks and then I would either hurt myself or get sick.

I started taking BioK daily after my bronchitis in August and I haven't been sick since then. It seems like they're not making anything up when they say that 70% of our immunity is in our bowels. The minute I read that, I knew I had to try this out because I've been having problems for many years now. I went to Cuba and came back with something that made me really sick, but the doctors never found what it was. I was sick for about 3 months, lost 25lbs and then I kinda got better but I was never back to normal.

Now, more than 3 months of taking 30-40 billion probiotics daily, I feel like my immune system is back to normal (I'm not sick!) and I have a lot less digestive problems. I also stopped eating/drinking any dairy and it is making a huge difference too. I guess I'm doing things right! :-)

So, back to running. I've been able to run without interruption since early September when I started the Learn to Run program again. I haven't been very consistent with my running, but I've managed to get myself back up to running 5:1s. Some runs are great, others not so much, but they're not all terrible like they were back in September. This is good!

My dream at this point is to run 10K in 2010. I don't know if a 10K at NCM in May is even possible at this point, but if not, that's OK.

My 2010 athletic objectives so far look like this:

- run a strong 5K in May
- ride 40K as part of a Relay Sprint Tri in June
- swim 1,000m again (I usually swim about 700-750m right now when I go to the pool)
- do some triathlons next Summer (Super Sprint Tri or even Sprint Tri)
- ride my first 50K ever by the end of the Summer
- run a 10K race next Fall
- ride 1,500km
- stay injury-free
- keep it fun - no pressure!

Another Kind of Race

2009-11-28T09:49:00.005-05:00

This month, I participated in a different kind of competition: a novel writing one! As part of National Novel Writing Month, I had to write a 50,000 words novel in 30 days. I spent all of October plotting out my story and when November 1st came, I was ready to go!

Just like any running races I've done before, at first things are good. You warm up and you get into a groove - for nanowrimo, the first dialogues I wrote didn't sound natural, but I eventually warmed up and was able to write them throughout my story. In a running race, after a while, you're having a good time just putting one foot in front of the other, or in Nanowrimo's case, one word after another. You're enjoying a good time with friends doing the exact same thing at the exact same time you're doing it and some friendly competition arises. All is good, until you hit the wall. It usually happens about 2/3rd into the race and it happened 2/3rd into the novel writing. The self-doubts creep in and you wonder how you're going to finish this race on time. At the darkest of times, you even wonder if you're going to finish at all! Fortunately, during those times, you think about your friends who are going through the same struggles and for some reason, knowing you're not alone in your misery brings you a lot of comfort and a new-found level of energy to keep going.

When there's only about 10% of the race left, you feel like this will never end. You feel like being finished right here, at this very moment. You're done, there's nothing left in you. Can we move the finish line please? Why don't running races end at 9K and Nanowrimo end at 45K you ask? These numbers would be just fine, you think. A fine accomplishment, in your books.

But you know it wouldn't feel as good if they moved the finish line and so you dig deep and you find that you had some energy left in the tank after all! Here comes the last stretch of the race and you're so excited about crossing that finish line that you are suddenly inspired. You speed up for one last sprint and you raise your arms as high as you can still manage while you scream "Victory!" when you run across the finish line.

As soon as you're done enjoying the immediate glory of being across the finish line, you run to your keyboard to let your fellow runners/writers know how well you've done. Why? Because only them can understand. They understand the effort you've put into your race and the satisfaction it has just brought you when you dug deep and succeeded!

To all my fellow Nanowrimo winners, Congratulations! Let's do it again next year.

Sick of Riding my Bike (!!!)

2009-10-27T20:59:00.002-04:00

On Monday, I rode my bike to work. I didn't feel like it at all. At this time of the year, it is colder in the morning and you need to wear more clothes. The humidity gets at you and you feel cold for a part of the day. At night, it is windy and it is starting to get dark when you leave the office. For all these reasons, I've been feeling more miserable on my bike in the past 2 weeks. I am very surprised to feel that way about my bike when I enjoyed riding it so much this Summer!

I reached 800km riden in 2009 last week. I will have made it to 850 before I store my commuter for the winter. Looking back, I'll say that I had a great time on by bikes once I got past the fear. The highlight of my summer of riding is definitely my participation in The Canadian Triathlon Sprint Tri Relay where I rode for 30km straight for the first time ever. To me, this was a huge accomplishment! :)

So... Dear Stardust and in'fusion, thank you for the good times we shared in 2009. I'll aim for 1,500km next year so you better rest well during the winter months!

The week of 3&1s

2009-10-04T20:26:00.002-04:00

It's a miracle: I'm up to running 3&1s and I haven't been sidelined yet! In the past few months, whenever I was ready to increase the lenght of my running intervals, I got injured or sick. *knock on wood* this morning I ran 5 times 3&1s for the first time since... I forget, it's been too long! I mean, I've ran 3 minutes at a time in the past year, but never as part of a structured program like Learn to Run.

This morning's run was brutal. I had doubts that I could do it before I left and I think it weakened my mental strenght before I even got started. My lungs were on fire the whole time and it took almost the whole minute for the pain to go away. The fourth 3-minutes interval was the worst and I had to think about the women around me who are going through much bigger difficulties than this interval was. If it wasn't from those two women, I may have started walking before the 3 minutes were up.

I ran/walked about 2.8km this morning, for my own mini-version of Run for the Cure. This year, I ran for my director who's starting her battle against breast cancer. I prayed for her quick recovery and I also prayed so we are all strong enough to manage with her workload while she's away for surgery and radiation therapy. I suppose my daily work will be my own little contribution to her battle. I feel lucky that I get to be part of such a great team at work: I feel like everyone is ready to step up to keep things going while our fearless leader is away.

So now, I'm still wondering whether I should sign up for the Learn to Run clinic that supposedly starts next Monday (on Thanksgiving Monday, this must be a mistake!). I'll go to the Slater St. Running Room store this week to confirm the dates and to find out a bit more about the clinic. I think it would be a great motivation to take the clinic, but at the same time, I'm worried that the RR program will go too quickly and I'll get injured. I usually work with customized programs where I have frequent cut-back weeks and where I take things slow. Now, I'm worried that increasing the lenght of the intervals each week will be too much for my body. Hence the doubts. I suppose I could always start with the clinic and take things as they come. At the end of the day, pretty much all of the runs in the Learn to Run program are between 2.5 and 3K, it's just the lenght of the interval that changes, but you'll always run between 12 and 20 minutes. Decisions, decisions...

On my to-do list for this week is one more thing: to investigate the rehabilitation programs offered by a local clinic for people recovering from injuries like the ones I had. I think it would be beneficial to work with a professional who could assess the damage and prescribe specific strenght-training exercises to make me stronger. I'm not sure how much this would cost me, though. I guess that's why I need to make a call, right? I'll never know if I don't pick up the phone and ask!

DNS'ing

2009-09-20T20:08:00.004-04:00

This morning, I was supposed to do another try-a-tri, but I bailed out because of a number of reasons that I won't go through here. To summarize, I wasn't up to the challenge, physically or mentally, and I don't regret my decision at all.

I started running again and I'm trying to be more disciplined about it. I ran twice last week, each time doing 6 x 2:1s. I also went swimming on Thursday night and I biked a lot. So, I'm keeping active, even if I'm not following any kind of formal training program.

Today, I went to the doctor and got my blood test results: they were awesome! I was a bit worried about my cholesterol level, what with my 10lbs weight gain and relative sedentary lifestyle. I was happily surprised to find out my levels were fine and that my healthy cholesterol was super high! The doctor said it was "unabnormally high" which made me smile from ear to ear. He also told me I don't have celiac disease, meaning no gluten intolerance. Woohoo! The best part was when he said that the results didn't point out to any nutrient malabsorption! It means there are other reasons why I keep getting sick, but at least I'm keeping my nutrients in. :)

Now, if only I could get rid of my extreme allergies (which may well be the cause for my weak immune system). I have an appointment for allergy testing in November and my plan is to try desensitization.

Things are kind of looking up.

Two Turtles and One Crabby Broad at The Canadian

2009-09-07T21:28:00.004-04:00

Cynthia, Jo-Jo and myself decided to sign up for the Sprint Tri Relay at The Canadian Triathlon. I was doing the bike leg of the relay, which consisted of a 30K ride. My plan was to train for this because I have never ridden my bike for 30K at a time. Of course, the training didn’t really happen for a number of reasons and when I looked at my old bike logs and saw that I only done 25K twice in my life, I started doubting that I could do it. I decided that I would pace myself and take it a little easier on the first loop and push harder on the second loop if I felt good.

It was my 5th ride on my road bike since my accident in June 2008. I was still a little scared, but having had an almost fear-free ride on my road bike the week before the race gave me confidence that I would be alright. And I was! I’m happy to report that I made peace with my road bike. I had a great time riding it and I only had one moment when I had thoughts of potential bike accidents. Usually, I would have had at least a dozen of those frightened moments.

The first loop was good. I was passed by a lot of people, but that was OK. I was pacing myself!

KMs 15 to 20 were tough: I had crazy wrist and elbow pain on my left side that I just couldn’t shake. It hurt a lot.

At 20K, I decided to play some mental games to take my mind off the pain. My commute into work being 15K, I decided to think about where I usually am 5K into my commute, what the landmarks are, where the intersections are, etc. This definitely helped me pass the time, but this last 10K was the worst 10K ride of my life: it felt like it was taking forever!

But I made it, got off the bike in 1:18:xx, which was right where I thought I would be. I was proud to have done 30K, but that pride was nothing compared to the relief I was feeling at having made peace with my bike. I really enjoy riding this bike – in fact, I went for another 20K today! The ride today was even better because I didn't have any fearful moments. I wouldn't dare saying that I'm out of the woods now, but things are looking up for sure!

I enjoyed doing the Relay with Cynthia and Jo-Jo. It was a lot less stressful than doing the triathlon all on my own. I enjoy the camaraderie I get at races and even more when I'm part of a team. It was great to spend some time with Jo-Jo as we waited for Cynthia and then with Cynthia as we waited for Jo-Jo. It was also awesome to have my medal handed out to me by Jesse, to bump into Kiza on the beach and Nancy outside the T-Zone and to chat with Joe and Jesse before the race. I think it's great that the love of the sport bring so many people together. I really enjoy the atmosphere at triathlons more than I do at running races. In triathlon, I get good comments and cheers from many people and I get to be around the very good athletes. I don't get that with running.

So, anyway, Jo-Jo, Cynthia and I agreed that we would do another Relay next year: this time, the Olympic Tri at Riverkeeper. I'll have to bring my cycling up to 40K by then! That should be a great motivation to get on the dreaded trainer this winter.

Blog Display

2009-08-30T15:35:00.003-04:00

If anyone reads my blog, can you let me know if the page setup looks good for you? It looks great on my screen, but on JF's screen, it looks as if a 3-year-old had organized the pictures on the page. Now, I have an old screen and JF has a widescreen one, so I was wondering if my blog looks awful to most of you. Thanks for letting me know!

Vacances estivales 2009

2009-08-17T17:42:00.016-04:00

Les vacances sont maintenant terminées, c'est le retour officiel au travail demain.

Nous avons eu de belles vacances, malgré le rhume assez intense que nous avons eu chacun notre tour JF et moi et dont nous ne sommes pas encore complètement rétablis. Pendant ces 2 semaines, nous avons vu très peu de pluie - le dimanche où nous étions sur la route, il a plu toute la journée; puis il a plu un peu en fin de journée aujourd'hui. À part cela, il a fait soleil et très chaud pendant toutes nos vacances! Ça fait changement du début de l'été, où il pleuvait à chaque jour et où il ne faisait pas très chaud!

Nos vacances ont commencé par le National Capital Triathlon, où JF a fait son premier duathlon et où j'ai fais mon retour au triathlon. C'était une excellente façon de commencer nos vacances puisque ça nous a mis dans un bel état d'esprit. Le lendemain, on a fait la route jusqu'à Ogunquit, Maine. Nous avons suivi les conseils du patron de JF et avons évité les autoroutes, soit disant pour nous raccourcir le chemin. C'était une mauvaise idée! Ça nous a stressé plus qu'autre chose. Il fallait constamment changer de petite route et c'était dur de garder le fil. Aussi, on était sur des routes où il est difficile de dépasser, alors c'était parfois un peu pénible quand on suivait une auto qui roulait trop lentement. De plus, il pleuvait sans arrêt, ce qui rendait la visibilité un peu plus difficile.

Arrivés à Ogunquit, nous sommes allé souper et avons inauguré nos vacances en mangeant des fish & chips! Ensuite, nous sommes allés à notre B&B puis à la mer. Ce soir là, il faisait très humide et c'était très brumeux. Mais la mer était belle et elle sentait bon!

Le lendemain matin, JF m'a confirmé qu'il était malade. Il avait un bon rhume et j'espérais ne pas l'attraper. Nous sommes allé à la plage après un copieux déjeuner préparé par notre hôte, Bob. Il a fait très beau et nous nous sommes baignés dans une mer à 61F (16 C). C'était très rafraîchissant et ça semblait aider JF avec ses symptômes du rhume. Le soir, nous avons décidé d'aller jeter un oeil à P erkins Cove, à l'autre bout d'Ogunquit. Nous avons donc pris un trolley bondé et la ballade a été assez pénible puisque le trolley était plein et que la douzaine d'enfants dans le trolley criait et/ou pleurait. On s'est finalement rendu à destination et avons mangé notre souper avec une vue sur la mer. C'était très bien. Nous avons marché le long du Marginal Way pour revenir à notre hôtel. Malheureusement, il faisait noir et on ne voyait pas très bien, mais ce sentier semble offrir un superbe point de vue sur la mer et Perkins Cove.

Notre 2e jour de plage a été semblable au précédent. Ce matin là, je suis allé courir sur la plage avant déjeuner. C'était vraiment agréable, mais très difficile compte tenu de la chaleur et de l'humidité qui étaient déjà fortement présentes. Ce soir là, nous sommes allé manger à un restaurant qu'on avait découvert l'été passé: Frill's. On est ensuite arrêté se chercher une crème glacée au Ben & Jerry's avant de retourner au B&B. Le 3e jour de plage fut semblable aux deux autres: soleil, chaleur, baignade. JF était de plus en plus enrhumé et il ronflait vraiment très fort la nuit, alors on ne dormait pas bien ni l'un ni l'autre.

Le jeudi matin, nous sommes allé dire un dernier au revoir à la mer, avant de déjeuner et de partir du B&B. Nous avons pris la route vers Boston! Ce fut un peu compliqué de se rendre, puisqu'il y avait des bouchons de circulation en raison de construction sur l'autoroute. Puis, on voulait aller à l'équivalent de la MEC, mais c'était un peu compliqué. Le retour vers l'hôtel était aussi compliqué, mais on s'est finalement rendus sains et saufs! Une fois l'auto stationnée (pour la modique somme de 39$ US par jour!!!), nous avons enfin pu relaxer.

Notre premier soir à Boston, nous sommes allés voir le Quincy Market. C'est là que nous avons finalement décidé de souper. Nous avons mangé dans un endroit très sympa, appelé Wagamama, où nous nous sommes régalés de bouffe japonaise. Le lendemain, nous sommes allé visiter le New England Aquarium, où nous avons rencontré "la soeur jumelle séparée à la naissance" de notre chatte Litchie, une belle phoque qui adorait se prélasser au soleil, couchée sur le dos. C'était très drôle de noter les ressemblances dans le comportement entre ce phoque et notre chatte! À l'intérieur de l'Aquarium, nous avons pu observer des pingouins. L'Aquarium compte de nombreux pingouins afr icains, qui ont été rescapés suite à un déversement pétrolier. C'était très intéressant de lire l'information sur le sauvetage de ces pingouins et de voir le genre de vie qu'ils ont maintenant à l'Aquarium. Nous avons aussi vu des requins et une énorme tortue de mer dans le bassin central de l'Aquarium, qui fait au moins 4 étages! C'est assez impressionnant de voir tous ces poissons cohabiter dans cet énorme bassin et ce l'était encore plus ce matin là, puisqu'il y avait un employé dans le bassin! Il nourrissait les poissons. Ça faisait bizarre de voir un homme dans un bassin où il y avait 3 requins!

Dans l'après-midi, nous avons décidé de marcher la Freedom Trail qui passe à travers les quartiers historiques de Boston. C'est un superbe concept - suivre une ligne rouge qui va de part et d'autres des quartiers centraux historiques - mais il nous a un peu déçu. On s'attendait à ce qu'il y ait des panneaux d'interprétation expliquant les lieux que nous visitions, mais ce n'était pas le cas. On a vu plein de belles choses, mais sans trop en connaître l'histoire. Apparemment que c'est mieux de payer pour être accompagné d'un guide (!!!) si on veut connaître l'histoire de la ville. De plus, une fois rendu au bout de cette trail de 2.5 milles, il fallait revenir sur nos pas pour retourner au centre-ville. On avait chaud et on était tannés de marcher, alors on a pris l'autobus de ville pour retourner au centre. L'autobus coûtait seulement $1.50!! C'est vraiment pas cher.

On est retourné à Quincy Market pour souper. Cette fois-là, nous sommes allés là où on sert la meilleure Clam Chowder en ville: chez la chaîne Houston's. JF a confirmé qu'elle était vraiment excellente.

Le lendemain, après une nuit plutôt blanche, nous avons décidé de rentrer à la maison un jour plus tôt. J'ai commencé à avoir des symptômes de rhume à mon tour dans l'auto et je suis malade depuis. Notre deuxième semaine de vacances a donc été peu mouvementée: on est resté à la maison, on a profité de la piscine, on a regardé beaucoup de films. Ce n'était pas la semaine que j'espérais, mais on n'y peut rien.

Insight on Fear

2009-08-10T17:52:00.003-04:00

I had some great insight today. I was thinking about my bike fear, and well, my fear in general. I was thinking how I've always been so careful. I've never been one to do stupid things and the risks that I took in life have always been calculated. I'm not saying that I never took any risks, because I did, but I've always made sure there was a way out or I was protected enough when I took those risks. Some of the risks I took were huge, but looking back, they could have been even bigger. For example: I've wanted to be an exchange student when I was in high school, but it was very risky to just go to a new country, learn a new language, make new friends... I didn't do it and I kind of regret it, even though I understand why I made the decision not to pursue this dream. When it was time for me to go to University, I went to Montreal. It was a new city, with new people, but the risk wasn't as big. See what I mean?

Anyway, so I was thinking about those fears and how I have always been careful when taking risks. It has always served me well, kept me away from any harm. Then, I concentrated on the bike fear and realized that when I had my bike accident, the illusion that I had that I would never be in pain if I was careful disappeared. I could get hurt because of other people's actions and decisions, and no matter how careful I am, I can't control other people's lack of carefulness. I have been feeling scared for over a year now, because I now understand that other people can hurt me. They can make a stupid decision that will have me suffer. I know this is a life reality, but until my accident, I never saw things this way. I always thought I could be careful enough and avoid problems.

This realization hit me hard just a few hours ago: the fear is there to protect me, but I have to keep pushing beyond it. I can't refrain from doing the things I want to do because other people may make stupid decisions and hurt me. I don't trust other people anymore, because I know they're not as careful as I am. It doesn't mean that I have to lock myself in the house for fear of being the victim of someone's poor judgement. It means that I have to acknowledge this fact and do my best to control what I can, while still enjoying my life. Wow. Now, I gotta go work on that!

Tears, Fears, Pain and Pride - My Return to Triathlon

2009-08-09T09:32:00.005-04:00

Posted on RunningMania, on Saturday, August 1st:

A week ago, I went swimming. While I was swimming, I thought that I could do the try-a-tri at the National Capital Triathlon and I signed up for it. I haven’t trained for it. Since June, I swam 3 times and I ran about 25K. The only sport where I did some training was the cycling part of the triathlon and most of it was through my daily 15K commute. To say I was undertrained is an understatement.

The day started well. I was excited about the race! But as we got ready to leave, JF got some problems with his bike which meant that we left 30 minutes later than planned: at 9am, when my race was starting at 10am. During the drive, I lost it. I started crying because I was stressed, but also because I couldn’t be resilient this morning. This was too much to ask. For 15 months, I have been resilient: putting up with every stepback. I couldn’t face another barrier on race day. Not when I was ready for the race. We made it to the race site in record time. By 9:45, I was good to go. I was nerveous, but OK.

I started swimming and the fear hit me. The whole swim, I was in a panicky state and I couldn’t catch my breath. The dark waters of the river were making me real uncomfortable. At some point, I started thinking of Spencer and his famous words: “keep going, never give up” and this kept me going. I kept going until I made it out of the water. I wasn’t last!

I used my hybrid bike for the 20K bike leg. I wouldn’t say it was a mistake, because it kept the bike fear at bay, but it definitely slowed me down. On the first loop, my hands got numb from the bike gloves I was wearing, I think, because it happened a few times on my commute. On the second loop, I started having a very nasty headache above my right eye. I thought I might have been dehydrated or overheating, so I stopped on the side of the course to drink, poor water on my head and back and massage my temples. Eventually, I re-adjusted my bike helmet and most of the headache went away, to be replaced by intense back pain. The way back was brutal, with a slight uphill the whole time. On my road bike, I don’t feel it as much, but on the hybrid, I was slowed down by a lot. At that point, JF had passed me and I knew he would get to the finish line before me and it was OK.

The run was so hard. It was only 2K, but I didn’t have any energy left. By that time, I was overheating from being under the sun for so long. Luckily, I had brought my water bottle with me and it was a life saver. I walked a lot… but I also ran as much as I could. Then came the finish line. I didn’t have anything left for a final push. I was spent. And I wasn’t last!

Here is why I am proud: I gave everything I had on the course today. I faced challenging situations and I made the best out of the cards I was dealt. I have had my revenge today and have left the past behind. I’m back!

Fear

2009-07-28T20:14:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking about where I am at in my training and I have been having a few thoughts about why I am where I am right now. Before I start, I should mention that I'm going around in circles right now. On the one hand, I really wish I could get back to running and triathlon training, but on the other hand, I'm paralyzed by fear, indecision and the picture of who I used to be... before last year happened to me. When I was still innocent. Back when I still thought there were great things ahead of me and that all I had to do was work a little harder to get them. Back when I put a lot of my energy into my training, because my job and my social life sucked.

I realize that I have these expectations for myself to get back into training as if nothing had happened. Almost as if all the physical and mental scars had disappeared or worse, never existed. As if I wasn't a whole new person. But I am a new person and I am scarred. I've been in too much physical and mental pain in the last 18 months, from my physical injuries but also from deeper issues with my friends, with motherhood, with my own mom, with my job.

It has been almost 5 months since my last serious injury and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm out of the woods and maybe I can start running, swimming and biking again. I think that maybe the bad luck is gone and maybe I can safely return to my life. This thought is exciting,
but it paralyzes me. I've gotten used to putting off my objectives because of yet another injury. This time, things are kinda looking up and I'm confused. I feel like I should "do like everybody" and train for a Sprint Triathlon and then a Half Ironman next year. But when I stop to think about what this goal would entail, I freeze: I would have to learn to ride with clipless pedals, with aerobars, to get used to riding for 3-5 hours at a time, to be able to run a half-marathon, to not take walk breaks, to swim for kilometers at a time, to join a Tri club, to buy a wetsuit, to face my fear of the deep dark open waters... This is overwhelming, especially since I don't feel the deep desire to do those longer races. Really, all I want is to get back to running 10Ks and to do my first Sprint Tri. I think I could stick to those distances forever, just to avoid facing all the fears that I have about the things I listed above.

I feel like I have something to prove. To whom? I'm not sure. Nobody is pressuring me to go longer; yet, I put pressure on myself. The pressure is to face my fears and not let them limit what I choose to do: the fear of injuries, the fear of bike accidents and the fear of anxiety attacks when encountering the unknown. Those are the fears that hold me back and the reason why I want to go longer. I know how liberating it will be when I finally face those fears, or at least, when I do those things despite the risks involved.

I also fear that if I take risks, then I will lose. And I have a lot to lose... that, I realized in the past year. Everything can be taken away from me in a second and I feel it's not worth risking so much for a hobby. What my head knows but my heart refuses to acknowledge is that I can take healthy risks - those risks where the chance of occurence x the extent of the consequences is acceptable to me. I have not yet identified where that balance is, but I guess I'll apply the same principles that I apply at work to try to make sense of all this.

In the meanwhile, I say a prayer everytime I get on my bike. I pray that I make it to my destination alive and uninjured.

Meet in'fusion

2009-07-23T20:50:00.002-04:00

I bought a new commuter bike! :-) I had been thinking about this for a while, almost everyday when I was killing my knees with the cheapo commuter bike I've been riding since 2002. I wished for a bike that was assembled in Canada and I had been eying the De Vinci bikes for a while... I finally settled for the De Vinci Wellington.

When I went for my first test-ride with her, I noticed how great and natural the position felt to me. It really feels like this bike was designed for me. Its size and its fit are perfect! And her name came naturally to me: she had to be called in'fusion. Not only is she the colour of fusion, but I feel like we're in fusion when I'm out on a ride. I think we're going to have great commutes together!

I have riden her for about 50K so far and I'm very happy with my purchase. She needs a few minor adjustments, but nothing major. Yay!

Update

2009-06-27T06:49:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I updated my blog. I guess I don't have much to say!

I started running again after the 5K race and then my hip misaligned again and I took it easy while I waited for my osteopath appointment. When I had this appointment, I told her about the nagging concern I have that this lower abdominal pain may be caused by a sports hernia, and she said it would be a good idea to get it checked out. Hopefully, an ultrasound would rule it out. I have yet to go to the doctor about that, though...

I biked a lot in June. My goal was to ride my bike for 200km this month and I'll ride a little bit more than that. I rode my road bike only once and I was uncomfortable on it and a bit fearful, but at least I'm now comfortable on my hybrid bike. The confidence is back on the hybrid and I hope it will follow on the road bike. I will also go and try some other road bikes, just to compare the easiness of using the breaks. On my road bike, in case of emergency, I can't reach the breaks fast enough and I think the bike may not be well designed for my small hands. So I thought I'd go and try a few other models out and see if they feel different. If they do, then I may have to make a decision on wether or not to sell Stardust and buy a new bike.

I went to yoga as much as I can and I swam twice. I think I'm a little behind on my triathlon training as well as my 10K training. I think that at the end of the day, if I end up not doing any more races this year, I'll be OK with it. I just don't feel like following a schedule right now. Just going out there and expanding energy seems to satisfy me. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks, when I'm not away every weekend and have time to have a life.

This year's races..

2009-05-27T20:52:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking about what I would like to do this year, now that it looks like I'm going to be able to start training again. Last Saturday's race was a confidence booster for me and I feel like I have been very conservative in my 'injury management'. I didn't take much chances because I didn't want to risk making things worse, but since the 5K race, I feel like my body can take it.

I'm having hamstring pain when I'm sitting right now. It is crazy painful and stops as soon as I get up or lift up my leg. My hip flexors and IT Bands also feel very tight, so I'm thinking maybe a visit to Mr. ART would be a good idea, just to make sure everything is ready to take on training again.

Here's what I think my race calendar will look like this year:

Aug. 1 - Try-a-Tri at the National Capital Triathlon in Ottawa
Sept. 13 - 10K at the Montreal Oasis Marathon in Montreal
Sept. 20 - Sprint Tri at the Last Chance Triathlon in Ottawa

The maybe's would be:

June 20 - Emilie's Run 5K in Ottawa
Oct - Rattle me Bones 10K

Those races are all tentative for now, but planning for them motivates me to get moving again! Tonight, I ran/walked 2.5K. The longest running interval I did was 3 minutes, which I find very encouraging. I'm planning on getting back in the pool and doing yoga to complement my running and keep the muscles as loose as possible. For now, I'll concentrate on commuting to work by bike to build back my confidence on the bike in order to get more serious about cycling by mid-June.

I'm back!

2009-05-27T16:39:00.001-04:00

This is probably the sweetest race report I've ever written.

Act 1 - some crazy numbers

13 … number of months of non-stop injuries
6 … number of different set of injuries
2 … number of injuries that were done while going down the stairs
1 ... number of injuries caused by a turtle
8 … number of bones I bruised, cracked or broke
4 … number of times my hip got misaligned
8 … number of people I've been to in my medical team to try to heal me
4000 … number of mg of Tylenol I took per day after my tailbone injury (note: this is the absolute maximum dose of acetaminophen you should ever take in one day)
300 … approximate number of 200mg Ibuprofen pills I took in the last 13 months
1 ... number of ambulance rides (should have been 2, really)
25 … approximate number of hours I spent cheering at races
15 … number of pounds gained in the last 13 months
2 … number of people who made a HUGE difference in how I approached my injuries last year, from a mental point of view

Act 2 - Signing up for the 5K at NCM

It took me a lot of time to make a decision about whether or not to participate in the NCM 5K race. I have always loved that weekend and it saddened me to miss it again this year. At some point, I thought about walking it, remembering the 10-12 weeks when I wasn't able to walk much in the past year because of my injuries. I remembered that during those weeks, all I wanted was to be able to walk around freely and without pain again. One day, JF offered to walk the 5K with me. A few days later, I signed us up both, thinking it would be great to be out walking the race with my sweet other half, who picked up the slack when I couldn't move around much.

Act 3 - What I thought would happen

I thought we'd walk most of it, but I wanted to try to run a little. I have only been on 3 training runs since January, each totalling less than 3K, so I knew I wasn't trained at all. Moreover, my running in the past 12 months has been scarce: I didn't run more than 60K!!

I was hoping for a quick and enjoyable walk. 50 minutes was my dream goal for this walk.

Act 4 - What really happened

I ran/walked the whole thing! We started off slowly and I ran when I wanted to and walked when I wanted to. After the first kilometer, I had no pain at all, so JF gave me a goal: to run until that tree up ahead. I did it! So we started setting goals and I didn't wimp out… even when I saw the RM cheering squad under the bridge when I had just completed a very tough running interval. I sucked it up and started running again with a big smile. After 4K, I was starting to really feel the lack of training: my legs were very heavy and shaky. JF asked if I could run the last 200m and we planned around it. As we neared the finish line, I knew I had left everything out on the course and I was very happy with that. We held hands while crossing the finish line and I yelled "I'm back 'sti" when I crossed the line. The 's'ti' is a French swear word and I used it to release a lot of the anger I had accumumulated in the past year.

Special thanks to JF who has been so supportive in the past 13 months. I'm not sure I would have handled everything so well if it weren't for him. I'm also not sure I would have given everything I had out on the course if he hadn't been there with me. Thank you JF. I love you.

I'm so happy! All I can think of right now is WHAT'S NEXT?

A little swim... a little ride...

2009-04-15T20:25:00.002-04:00

Being sick of my sedentary life, I decided to attempt swimming last Friday. I was surprised to find out that I had NO PAIN AT ALL while swimming. This is huge, considering I've been in pain constantly for a year now. Yes, I had times when I had less pain, but I don't think I've been pain free for a very long time. Anyway, swimming was good! I only swam 320m before I had to leave. Apparently, I have also lost of lot of muscle strenght in the past few months. I really could feel the effort in my triceps and biceps. After the swim, I had one of the best endorphin rush ever! That's the upside of starting over, I guess.

On Monday, it was beautiful outside so I decided to see if I could ride my bike. I was able to sit on the saddle, which was a small victory and then I went about 2K before being in pain. I rode another kilometer and decided to head back home. 6K was the maximum I think I could handle on that day. On top of the "saddle soreness" which I always get on my first ride of the season, I had the tailbone pain - "la totale" like we say in French. ;-) But I was able to ride my bike and it was awesome! Again, I noticed that I lost a lot of quadricep strenght... but it didn't stop me from climbing hills and it will come back.

My cardio on the swim wasn't too bad, but it was awful on the bike. So, i'm back... sort of.

PRK... one year follow-up appointment

2009-04-12T20:24:00.003-04:00

I had my one-year appointment this week, as my last follow-up appointment for my 2nd PRK laser eye surgery that I got in February 2008. I was happy to find out that my vision is better than perfect, at 20/15. I knew that my vision was sharp, but I thought it was still at 20/20, like it was 2 months ago. Finding out it had improved slightly was a very nice surprise!

There are no scars in my eyes to prove that I got PRK. My eyes are like new! I almost never need to use hydrating drops anymore: all signs of dryness are now gone.

I still have a bit of astigmatism, which I unfortunately notice in my daily life, but it's not bad enough that I would get glasses or a third surgery to treat it. I just hit myself a little bit more because I don't assess distances very well. I don't know if I can blame my falls on the stairs at home on the astigmatism, but it could be one of the causes [that, and my clumsiness]. ;-)

All in all, I'm happy I got the surgery. It was a long journey and there were many obstacles along the way, but my life is simpler now that I don't have glasses. I wouldn't say the surgery changed my life, because that would be an exageration, but it sure enhanced it.

Annoyed!

2009-04-05T19:22:00.003-04:00

Today, I went to the off-leash park with Jake. To get there, I drove on the Parkway. While on the Parkway, I had all these memories of riding my bike on this road. It occured to me that I have riden my bike on the Parkway more than I have driven my car. And at that moment, a feeling arose, but I can't clearly identify it. It was a cross between nostalgia, sadness, anger, frustration... How I wish I could ride my bike, go for a run or a swim and plan my racing season. Instead, I plan my life around my injuries and the fear that there's more coming my way.

Yesterday, I was at Bushtukah looking at the new running and cycling gear for this season and I had the same feeling, except there was more sadness in the mix. I wanted to sit down, scream that this is unfair and cry until I had no tears left in me. Instead, I bought new walking shoes because I can walk right now. Gotta concentrate on what I can do, to not fret about what I can't.

Sigh.

Bye grand-maman

2009-03-22T18:58:00.003-04:00

Grand-maman,

Tu nous a finalement quittés hier, après plus de 91 ans sur notre planète. Je n'ai pas été surprise d'apprendre ta mort, mais la nouvelle m'a quand même ébranlée. Je suis heureuse pour toi, parce que les dernières années ont été difficiles et parce que la vie n'avait plus autant de saveur depuis le départ de grand-papa. J'espère qu'il était là pour t'accueillir là où l'on va après notre mort. J'espère que tu as revu Julie aussi et que le passage vers la mort n'a pas été trop difficile.

J'ai beaucoup pensé à toi hier soir. Je me suis rappelé plusieurs bons souvenirs, les plus marquants étant les Noëls que nous passions chez-vous quand on était petits. Pour moi, c'était tout un bonheur de dormir chez-vous, c'était comme une aventure. J'étais toujours très excitée de préparer mon matelas dans le corridor en-haut le soir de Noël avant d'aller dormir. Et j'adorais les déjeuners du lendemain de Noël: tu avais toujours du bon pain carré (du pain à sandwich) et c'était très spécial pour moi de manger des toasts faites avec ce pain. Tu avais toujours aussi des 'céréales sucrées' et c'était un pur délice de déjeuner chez-toi. Je me souviens aussi comment toi et grand-papa nous donniez toujours un jeu de cartes pour nous faire passer le temps. On inventait des jeux et on s'amusait bien. C'était toujours spécial.

Je me souviens aussi de la fois où tu m'as raconté ta rencontre avec grand-papa et vos fréquentations. C'était une belle histoire et j'avais beaucoup aimé me la faire raconter. Quand je l'ai racontée à maman plus tard, elle disait que ce n'était pas la même version qu'elle avait entendue... mais peu importe, j'ai aimé cette histoire, mais surtout le temps que tu as passé à me la raconter. Je voyais comment ça te faisait du bien de me raconter ça.

Et je me rappellerai de ta peine quand tu es arrivée au salon suite au décès de grand-papa. Tu t'es presque effondrée de douleur et ça m'a énormément touchée. Jamais tu ne montrais autant tes émotions et j'avais été quelque peu surprise de constater que tu pouvais toi aussi vivre de grandes émotions. Te voir comme ça m'avait brisé le coeur et je me souviens à ce moment là m'être dit que j'espérais aimer quelqu'un de cette façon un jour, moi aussi.

Il m'est arrivé souvent de penser au genre de vie que tu as eue, comment ça a dû être difficile pour toi d'élever pratiquement seule une aussi grosse famille. Je pense que je comprends les raisons pour lesquelles tu te donnais toujours une image de femme forte et que tu ne montrais pas ou peu tes sentiments. Je pense que je comprends, parce que je pense que nous sommes semblables sur ce point.

Repose en paix, grand-maman. Je t'aime.

I'm OK now

2009-03-20T21:51:00.001-04:00

I snapped out of my seasonal depression. :-) It only lasted about 10 days this year, which is a huge improvement over the past few years.

My hip is now hurting much more than it did two weeks ago, probably because the tailbone pain is not as sharp and also because I'm walking more now. Yesterday, I ran about 100m to catch the bus and it was the worst idea - I had a lot of pain afterward. My hip is really bad right now, it feels totally off. I don't think it's ever felt so out of place as it does right now. Sigh.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, v.2009

2009-03-13T15:55:00.002-04:00

Seasonal Affective Disorder has hit me! :-(

I felt it start, if you can believe it. Things were fine on Wednesday last week when I went to bed, but on Thursday, I started feeling sad for no particular reason (one would say that being in a lot of pain would be a good enough reason to feel sad, though). Friday, it had hit me big time and I procrastinated most of the day. This week was tough, and today I realized that this was it: SAD has hit me.

This is proof that SAD is mostly chemical. Seriously, my life is very good right now and other than that tailbone injury (which still hurts a lot), I have no reason to be depressed. I love my new job, I have a good relationship with JF, our pets are healthy (at last), I have a strong plan to pay off my credit card debt and JF and I have a lot of plans for the coming months and years. I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago and I really thought that the vitamin D I took since November as well as the trip to Mexico would have been enough to keep me from experiencing SAD this year. It is apparently not the case.

My brain has a chemical imbalance. No matter how good my life is. Sigh... I guess SAD is part of me, then. When I have SAD, everything is more difficult and motivation is usually very low. I'll just sit around and procrastinate instead of doing the things I love. When I do those things, they won't bring me as much pleasure as they usually do. For example, there was a song that I discovered last week that I really liked. It made me feel happy. This week, when I was listenning to it, I didn't really care. SAD is like I'm sleepwalking through my life, like a zombie.

Fortunately, I know what is going on in my body and I know that my brain is deprived of serotonin. Knowing there is a physical reason for the way I am feeling right now really helps. Understanding what is going on in my brain also helps. I know it should be a matter of weeks before I start to enjoy life again. In the meantime, I'll try to hold tight.

WTF?!?

2009-03-04T12:11:00.003-05:00

When I got out of bed on Saturday morning, I was feeling good. It was Saturday and I had a nice relaxing weekend ahead of me. I was planning on going for another one of my short naked runs later in the morning. I was planning on going swimming on Sunday and I was starting to think about my comeback for triathlon season 2009.

At 10:30, I went upstairs to grab my gear to go for my run. I slipped and feel straight on my tailbone. It didn't really hurt, but the loud CRACK I heard when I fell didn't sound like a good thing. I got up and walked a little... then I passed out on the kitchen floor. It was the best feeling ever: I felt so good while I was passed out and I was dreaming. I woke up to a panicked JF slapping me in the face and then I started feeling VERY bad. I felt like I was going to pass out again and I was losing vision in my right eye. JF put cold water on my face, which didn't help much. A minute later, I started puking. That's when I asked JF to call an ambulance.

I made it to the ER and got x-rays done. Conveniently, they x-rayed my tailbone, pelvis and SI joint. Remember I'd been talking about getting those x-rays a few months ago? Well, I got them on Saturday and everything is fine there. No fractures or displacements that could be seen on a x-ray. I was sent home with lots of drugs and a week off work.

This hurts like hell! So much that I'm wondering how long it will be before I can start running and riding my bike again. I'm also pissed, but I try very hard not to let that feeling take control of me because it wouldn't do any good. I'm wondering if I should just give up on running altogether though. I mean, I started running again 6 times and each time, something happened to make me stop. Is this a sign that I refuse to acknowledge or just a coincidence?

Swimming

2009-02-15T10:25:00.004-05:00

I missed it! I went to the pool yesterday and swam 550m. It felt good to be back in the pool! What I'm more proud of is that I swam most of it freestyle. A year ago, I used breast stroke a lot and I think it contributed to my lower abdominal injury. The osteopath advised that I limit my use of breaststroke and I think it's a great opportunity for me to work on my freestyle and eventually be a better triathlete. Yeah, you read it right: I'm starting to refer to myself as a triathlete again. I don't want to get my hopes up, but the hip mostly stayed in its place after my last osteopathy treatment so I feel a little bit of hope is in order.

Now, if I could get rid of the little buggers I brought back from Mexico, life would be even better! I took antibiotics for 10 days and it helped, but I still have issues. Sigh.

Nude Running

2009-02-08T11:05:00.002-05:00

Don't worry, I didn't run naked! ;-) This morning, I decided to test the hip and go for a short run. The weather is so nice that I decided to run outside. The reason why I call it nude running is because I didn't bring a watch or a iPod and I didn't follow a plan. I just ran a little, walked a little and repeat until I felt that my body had had enough (which, sadly, was not very long.. about 15-20 minutes).

I had an endorphins rush and felt a bit of soreness all over at the end of my run. I don't think I did any damage to my hip, my lower back or my cortisol level so all is good...

I was thinking that I like running like that and that I didn't miss following a training plan and having the pressure to train for something. Sure, I would like to do races this year, but I just can't bring myself to believe that this time, I'm really back at it. So I just enjoy the runs as they come.

Feeling Hopeful

2009-01-31T10:41:00.002-05:00

As everyone knows by now, I've been having major hip/pelvis issues for a while now. I was becoming quite discouraged about ever finding a solution this week, but my nature doesn't do well with being discouraged, so my brain started obsessing about finding solutions. I've talked to a lot of people and now I have a plan: obviously, the chiro and osteopath adjustments that I've been getting for the past year helped, but the problem keeps coming back. There has to be something else going on. One osteopath mentionned that it would be a good idea to get x-rays to get my legs measured and I'm going to start with that.

My plan is to go to a sports doctor - now, which one to go to? The one in Québec or the ones who were recommended to me who are based in Ottawa - and to give him/her all the information that I gathered in the past year: all the osteo/chiro adjustments that didn't hold, the impossibility to get a proper bike fit, the possibility of scoliosis (which I was told I had when I was about 15, but nobody mentionned it since), the SI joint problems, the pelvis bone problems, the pelvic floor problems and the absence of problems in the reproductive organs (pelvis ultrasound report).

I can't believe the doctor can't find a way to help me, when I provide him/her with all this wealth of information.

... and so, I'm hopeful at last.

Stronger than my story

2009-01-07T19:41:00.002-05:00

I am borrowing a line from a song by The Killers to say that 2008 was the year when I was stronger than my story. I dealt with a lot of crap in 2008: deep personal struggles with regards to motherhood, endless work frustration, ethics issues at work and then, all my injuries.

When I came out of my seasonal depression sometimes in April, I understood one thing: that I was able to deal with whatever life would throw at me. The timing was excellent because life started to throw all sorts of things at me just to give me some practice. I was tested and I'm proud to report that I didn't sink into depression again, even when I had all the reasons to. As 2008 came to an end, I knew deep in my heart that I was not the same person I was on January 1st, 2008. I've become a stronger person, a person who can be stronger than her story.

Cheers to all the lessons learned the hard way in 2008!

.. Again with that pelvis!

2008-12-14T17:52:00.002-05:00

I went to the RMT on Friday, and she said "oh my God, your pelvis is totally misaligned!". This was quite discouraging, but what can a girl do? She helped a lot, but she's no magician and she recommended that I see her osteopath colleague, who uses techniques that are apparently excellent for that type of problem. She "showed" me where the problem area was and said it was pretty tightly shut in there, as if it was trying to protect something. This reminded me of my sternum this summer, and how it shut tight after I broke my rib.

So.. I need to get my SI Joint worked on. I'll see the ostepath on Thursday. In the meantime, I think I'll take it easy on the running. I don't think the pounding is doing any good and I'm investing so much time and money into this that I don't want to ruin it. Yesterday, I've done some fast walking and I was surprised at how sweaty I got. Either I lost all my fitness or it really is a good workout. My lower back was working like crazy, though, so maybe this is a good way to build up some strenght in this area. We'll see...

Back at it ! (Take Five)

2008-12-07T13:21:00.000-05:00

I started running again yesterday. I've been seeing a chiro and a RMT lately and things seem to be recovering nicely. So, yesterday I hopped on the treadmill for a short run. I tried to avoid going anaerobic, which means I had to run real slow and for only one minute at a time. But at least I ran!

My goal is now to build up to 5K and to run 5K at the Winterman in February. Then, I'll take it from there. I don't think I'll go back to the pool before January, with all the Christmas activities and the stress/tiredness from the new job. Also, it looks like I will be walking back from work each day if the STO/City don't do anything to improve bus circulation in downtown Ottawa. I live about 6K from the office, so it's definitely doable, but this will impact my ability to do anything else than walking and running.

The new job is great! At many times last week, I've been telling myself that I couldn't believe I was getting paid to do what I was doing. I think it's a very good sign!

Therapeutic Run

2008-11-16T16:30:00.002-05:00

Lately, I've been under a lot of stress because of a new job that I am supposed to start soon. I've been stressed preparing for two different job postings: written exam, interview... and the worst part was when I had to choose between both jobs. Through all this, I was also injured, which added to the stress.

My injury is slowly recovering - the lower abdominal one, for those wondering which injury I'm talking about! I have been able to walk more lately and it's a great thing because it helps me keep sane through the injury. This morning, I decided that I would try to run just a little, to try and get some endorphins that I badly need. My cortisol level has been tested and is quite high right now, so I knew I had to be careful and not bring my heart rate up to the anaerobic zone.

And so, off I went on our treadmill downstairs. I sang along to my iPod while running to make sure I stayed in the aerobic zone (anaerobic produces cortisol and is not a good thing for me right now). I walked for 15 minutes, ran for about 5 minutes. It felt great! I had a bit of pain and I didn't push it. After this run, I stretched and did my core strenghtening exercises. I also decided that I would try and do a few therapeutic runs each week for now, until I am completely recovered. This should help keep my moods stable and it should slowly get my body back into running mode. Onward and upward!

My list of injuries...

2008-11-01T18:36:00.002-04:00

It has been a very crazy year! I was thinking about my list of 2008 injuries/illnesses the other day and it goes like this:

April: hip tendonitis and unidentified abdominal injury
May: abdominal injury (continued)
June: abdominal injury (continued) and bike accident: broken/cracked rib(s), broken/cracked cheekbone, shoulder injury
July: broken toe
August: broken toe (continued)
September: abdominal injury is back, major case of cold or flu
October: abdominal injury (continued), sprained ankle

I hope this is where it ends. It's November 1st, my ankle is still hurting and my abdominal injury has been diagnosed to a misaligned pelvis (pubic bone). I hope I get some relief soon!

On the positive side, I accepted a new job! November will be a stressful month, but for once, it will be mostly positive stress. Yay!

On the road... again!

2008-10-15T21:09:00.003-04:00

I lost track of how many times I've started running again this year... Here I am, starting over again! I think this time will be for good, though (crossing my fingers and toes). I went running on Monday and I overdid it - surprise, surprise! I was so sore on Tuesday, it felt as if I had run a strong 10K.

Today, I biked to and from work. I have a bit of pain, but this is pain I can handle. So, I think I'll keep at it very slowly... and hopefully, I'll be able to consistently run a little until my hip gets fixed, but a little is much better than none at all.

I might have found the cause of all my hip/lower back problems... I'm very hopeful that I'll be healed and back at it sooner rather than later. :-)

C'est l'automne!

2008-10-05T16:04:00.009-04:00

Hier, JF, Jake et moi sommes allés nous promener dans le parc de la Gatineau. L'air était frais et la luminosité était parfaite alors j'ai apporté ma caméra. On a eu du bon temps, comme le témoignent les photos!

Je me remets tranquillement d'une probable grippe et l'air du parc m'a fait du bien. J'espère redevenir en pleine forme bientôt, puisqu'il me semble que je suis toujours handicapée d'une façon ou d'une autre depuis 6 mois!

J'avais recommencé à aller à la piscine et à courir, mais je suis revenue à la case départ suite à ma grippe. Je commence à devenir impatiente et à avoir très hâte de courir.. Pour le moment, la hanche tient le coup. Ça tire, mais ça ne fait pas mal comme avant. Mon orteil a de la misère par exemple. Dès que je marche 30 minutes, j'ai super mal à l'orteil par la suite. J'espère que ça va se placer bientôt!

Je relisais dernièrement la liste d'objectifs que j'avais faite quand j'ai eu 30 ans, pour voir ce que j'avais accompli dans la dernière année. J'ai accompli moins de choses que j'aurais voulu, mais j'ai aussi fait pas mal plus de progrès que prévu au niveau du travail. J'ai stabilisé ma situation en janvier et maintenant je suis en voie de faire un mouvement vers mon domaine d'expertise! J'ai peut-être été immobilisée physiquement cet été, mais j'en ai quand même profité pour avancer.

Cet automne sera une saison bénéfique pour moi à tous les niveaux, j'en suis sûre!

Rib pain is gone!

2008-09-29T19:38:00.003-04:00

I noticed this weekend that the rib pain is gone. It has been at least a week since I had any pain. This is wonderful! :-)

Also, the osteopath thinks I may need to get my orthotics adjusted a little. He thinks the hip pain that keeps coming back is not normal and in his opinion, it can only be attributed to biomechanics. He thinks my left leg is very slightly shorter than my right leg and that it might be the cause of the problems I keep having. He advised that I insert a mini sole under my heel to see if it helps. When I left his office yesterday, he said my hip was well aligned. If the mini sole thingy works, then I'll get my orthotics slightly adjusted. It almost seems too good to be true - it's hard to believe such a tiny difference in leg lenght could create such problems - but it's worth a try.

Back to Square Three

2008-09-14T13:20:00.002-04:00

I went running yesterday for the first time since June. I was off running for 3 full months and I had only run a few times in May and June while recovering from my abdominal injury. Let's say I have run next to nothing in the past 4.5 months. I wasn't sure how much fitness I have lost, so I thought I would just start running and see how much I could push myself.

I thought I'd be back to doing 1:1s, but I'm back at week 3 of Learn to Run, which is 2:1s x 6. It was very hard, but 2 minutes of running was all I could do yesterday. The first 90 seconds were not that bad, but then I had to dig deep to get to 2 minutes. Yikes!

My ribs hurt the whole 28 minutes it took me to cover a little less than 3K. I felt the pain in my bone, right where the biggest impact was. Man, that was hurting. The toe held up much better and I only had a tiny bit of pain for a few minutes after I was done. This is good news! But then, my SI joint started hurting towards the end, probably because I hadn't been pushing my body a lot in the past months and it was begging me to take it easy.

The mental is strong, although the negative thoughts were starting to take control of my head during my cool down walk. Bottom line is that I'll have to be strong and persevere in the next few months if I ever want to get back to the fitness level I was. We'll see how that new and improved mental of mine will hold up!

Swimming

I also went back to the pool last Thursday. I didn't lose as much swimming fitness as I've lost running fitness. My ribs hurt a little, but my shoulders hurt a lot during my swim. I swam 280m and that was enough for one night. JF and I will go back to the pool this week. Hopefully, I can swim just a little more with a little less pain this week.

Baby steps...

The best summer of my life?

2008-09-06T22:43:00.001-04:00

From the outside, people wouldn’t say this summer could possibly be the best summer of my life. However, when I think about it, it might as well be.

In March, I felt a lot of mental pain. My annual seasonal affective disorder hit very hard this year because of the imposed inactivity and sun rays blocking following my laser eye surgery. At the beginning of April, the cloud lifted, thanks to longer days and to an incredible training month. April has been the best running month of my life so far. During that month, I went beyond the mental barriers that were holding me back. I pushed through that invisible wall and I could finally say that I was conquering my mental during my runs. It was an incredible feeling, to be able to shut the inner critic down during my runs, and this new state of mind was also impacting my personal life. All of a sudden, everything seemed possible… and then I injured myself big time.

Since the end of April, I’ve felt a lot of physical pain. It all started with an abdominal injury that kept me off from running, biking or swimming for over a month. During that month, I sank into a depressive state and everything seemed complicated and difficult. I had to let go of my goal of doing my first Sprint Tri and I felt a lot of anger about it. I felt as if all these hours I had spent in the pool would have been better used doing other things. I felt like a victim and I was terribly worried that I would have lost all that I had built in the last few months, both from my fitness and my mental toughness.

Then, I broke down and someone shook me up. She stopped me dead in my tracks, made me realize I am not a victim and that I had something to learn from this injury: that injuries suck, but they are a part of life that you can’t always control. Therefore, you have to learn to manage them to keep your mental balance when they occur. She told me I should be more compassionate towards myself, that I should take care of myself instead of making myself a victim. That afternoon, that woman flicked a switch.

A week later, I volunteered at the Early Bird Triathlon. I had a few tears in my eyes that morning, but I cheered very enthusiastically for the athletes that ran by my water station. I enjoyed the atmosphere of the race, even if I wasn’t participating in it. I had a very good time and it felt good to give back to the triathlon community.

Another week passed and I volunteered again, this time at the race kit pick-up of NCM. Again, I had a few tears when I got to the Expo, picked up my kit knowing I wouldn’t run the race. But I put all that behind me and I did my best to enjoy every minute of the best running weekend in Ottawa! On Saturday night, I went out and cheered for JF who was running the 5K (instead of the marathon he had trained so hard for) and then for the 10K runners. My friend Nancy was running this race after coming back from months of injuries. I was so very proud of both JF and Nancy for being such great sports – even though neither achieved their original goals, they did the best they could in the circumstances and to me, this is what running is all about. On Sunday morning, I cheered the marathoners and half-marathoners like crazy: not just the runners that I knew – everybody! Man, did I have a great time! A lot of runners thanked me for cheering them on and I was very happy I could be there to help them during their race. At the group dinner that night, I congratulated everyone and did my best not to talk about my injury: it wasn’t my day, I could talk about my injury any other day. That day was about celebrating my runner friends and I had a wonderful time.

I started running again by mid-June and then I had my bike accident. Every minute of my life was painful; every sneeze a torture, every movement a battle. The basic things in life became painful: dressing up, taking a shower, getting in and out of bed… I physically hurt non-stop for the next two weeks... and just as I was starting to get a tiny bit better, I broke my toe. More pain, even more restrictions in my movements. This time, I couldn’t even walk. My upper body was a mess and now I couldn’t stand up. This was a joke, right? This had to be a joke.

And then, I remembered what I was told back in April: that this was a good time for me to learn how to manage injuries, so that I wouldn’t become depressed whenever I got one. I decided to do just that. I started keeping my mind busy with stuff that I didn’t have time for when I was training a lot: cooking and baking, cleaning, organizing, reading, seeing people. I cheered a lot and I hung out with my runner/triathlon friends. I celebrated their successes and supported them through their rough patches.

I also kept my mind full of positive thoughts. There were tough days, but I didn’t become depressed. For me, this is huge. I conquered my mind. I’m stronger than the effects of the lack of endorphins on my brain. I can control my brain, provide it with the much needed serotonin so that it doesn’t go into depression mode. I won. I conquered. I’m the boss of my own mood. I am in control. I’ve done it once, and I can do it again. I’ll just have to remember that I have it in me, that the power is there and that all I have to do is unleash it. I’ll just have to look back to the summer of 2008 to understand how much more powerful I am now.

I don’t know if I have ever been more proud of myself than I am right now. I keep thinking about how well I handled this summer and I am amazed that I could keep sane. I am much more capable than I give myself credit for.

And this, my friends, is worth a lot more than any medal I could have gotten this summer. Was it the best summer of my life? I think it might have been!

Better...

2008-09-01T21:10:00.003-04:00

I rode my road bike again today, it was the first time since the "fear incident" two weeks ago. I have to admit that I was making up all sorts of reasons to postpone this ride.. my parents visited us last weekend, I was too busy going to the market on Saturday morning, then I had to go grocery shopping on Sunday morning and later, I was too tired to go. Even this morning, it took me until 11am to get going and I had to force myself to go.

The truth is that I was scared to be scared and the feeling was paralyzing me.

I have been riding my hybrid bike to work a lot in the past two weeks. I've become more confident on that bike and I've seen my average speed go from 14 kph to 16 kph in the last two weeks [this includes the time I wait at red lights and stop signs]. My maximum speed has also increased, and I thought this was a good sign that I was becoming more comfortable being on a bike again.

The ride was fine this morning. I can't say it was fun, because I was a tiny bit scared. I'm proud to report that I did not have a panic attack and I did not have visions of accidents and painful injuries. It was a nice change. At one point, a little girl decided it would be a good idea to ride her bike parralel to the path just as I was passing her even if I had yelled that I was passing. I cursed at her, but I didn't hit her - thank God, or I would have gone over my handlebars again. After that incident, I became more nerveous and I decided not to push it. I rode 12.5K.

I saw my osteopath on Thursday and he worked on my sternum, which was very tight. He didn't put much pressure on it and it was hurting like hell! Just slightly touching it now hurts a lot. The osteopath thinks my body went into protection mode and closed the rib cage up to avoid further injuries. Now is time to relax a little and let my body go back to normal... I think I'm not out of the woods just yet.

I got the yellow light to go to the pool: I can go, but I have to take it very easy. If I have pain, I have to stop. I can deal with those conditions! :-)

The bad news is that I will not be ready to do the Last Chance Triathlon in three weeks. I kinda knew it would come to this, given that I only got the yellow light to start swimming again, given my bike fear and given the pain I felt when I ran to catch the bus on Thursday. It really sucks, but I'm really zen about it. This is just the way it is for me this year.

Fear

2008-08-17T19:56:00.002-04:00

I've been riding my road bike on the trainer a few times last week and my hybrid bike on road paths a few times as well. I didn't have any problems with those rides, other than when I was outside, I was riding very slowly.

Today, I went for a bike ride with JF. I rode my road bike on the closed Ottawa River Parkway. We need to ride on the side of the street to get to the Parkway and man, was that a miserable experience for me. I was very nerveous to be around cars and I kept having "visions" of cars hitting me and the pain I would feel if it happened. At some point, I even told myself that if it happened, I would be dead and I wouldn't feel a thing or I would be unconscious and I wouldn't feel the pain. On the bridge crossing over to Ottawa, we ride on the side of the road. There is a ramp to go to a park. When I got there, I looked over my shoulder to make sure no car was turning onto this ramp. Sure enough, there was a big black SUV on the lane, but it wasn't turning or coming towards me, but still, my heart rate went way up, I started sweating and a deep fear took a hold of me.

When we got on the Parkway, things got worse. There were bikes and rollerbladers everywhere. There were kids on bikes not looking where they were going. There were people using the full width of the lane so that they could chat while riding their bikes. I constantly had to make my way through people and I was so scared that one of them would change direction suddenly and I would crash. I could see it very clearly: me flying from my bike and hurting so much all over again. I could almost physically feel the pain. At some point, I started crying. All I wanted to do was to stop on the side of the road and wait for JF to pick me up. I just couldn't do it... but I kept going.

It was 13K of pure fear. I kept telling myself that if I fell, I would be dead and I wouldn't feel the pain. I kept picturing all the ways I could have an accident and hurt myself. I was hypervigilent to all sorts of dangers, most of them dangers that I was making up. I'm not the same person I was before my accident. I hope that I will feel safe again on my road bike one day, but I don't know...

I looked up the definitions and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Fortunately, my symptoms are not as intense or as debilitating as those of PTSD. However, they're like a mild version of PTSD. I hope I can work through this on my own.

Back on the Bike!

2008-08-14T09:49:00.002-04:00

My toe seems to be healing very well. It still looks weird, but its mobility comes back a little more everyday. I can bend it half-way now, which is a huge improvement! I walk with the slightest of limps and I hope to walk normally again in the next week, once the mobility is back 100%.

My ribs and shoulders/upper back are still hurting a lot, though. My osteopath is on vacation this week, and I will leave him a desperate message to see me when he comes back. I'm thinking that the upper back pain is most probably affecting the ribs pain. Maybe if I get the shoulders/upper back fixed, then I'm hopeful that the ribs pain will go away.

So... I got back on my bike on Sunday! My fitness level is terrible.. Yikes! I'm grateful to be able to ride my bike and I'm planning on improving my fitness by riding my bike. Because I'm not sure when I'll be able to run or swim, I'll concentrate on getting some exercise through biking for now. When I go back to work next week, I'll ride my bike for my commute. I think that if I take things one at a time, I'll get back to where I have once been. Stay tuned...

Yay for vacations!

2008-08-02T17:52:00.002-04:00

FINALLY... we're on vacation! I didn't think I would make it. Between the high stress at work in the past few months and the frustration of being injured all the time, my energy levels have gone down. You don't realize how great it is to be healthy until you're in pain for 3 months staight. I will make sure I remember that and be grateful everyday for my good health when it comes back. :-)

Last week, my physio freaked me out about my toe. When I showed it to her, she said "Oh my God! Did you show this to a doctor?" I said I did and that it was broken. I said I was a little worried because it was a little twisted and pointing downward. She said "yeah, it looks like it may be dislocated. If it was my toe, I would go see a doctor in the next few days". YIKES! So, I didn't sleep much that night, imagining the impact of having my toe reset on our upcoming vacation. I think I was less worried about the pain than I was about the plans we'd have to cancel...

So, off I went to the doctor once again on Thursday morning. The doctor thought it looked like it may be dislocated, so she recommended that I get another set of x-rays just to make sure. She said I could go to a nearby hospital and informed me that it didn't matter that I was a Quebec resident: they would accept my Quebec card at the Ontario hospital. I got great service once I got there and I was out in less than 90 minutes! The doctor said my toe was healing nicely, but that there was still a lot of swelling and that maybe the swelling caused my toe to look displaced. Also, because the fracture was right next to the joint, it looked worst. He said he could try to make it perfect, but that maybe he could make it worst instead. Anyway, all is healing well and I will be fine. Yay!

So, now is the time for a well-deserved vacation. Yay!

It started off very well. I went cheering on some fellow Maniacs at the National Capital Triathlon this morning: Jesse who was doing her first Olympic Tri, Cynthia who was doing her first triathlon ever and Vicki who came all the way from Vancouver to do a Try-a-Tri. ;-) Vicki's husband was doing the Swim-Cycle, but I never saw him until he was finished so I couldn't cheer him on. Everyone had a good time and I had fun being the cheerleader once again. After the triathlon, we had Vicki's family and Cynthia over for lunch and we had a good time.

Yay for vacation!

Coping with injuries

2008-07-30T09:28:00.004-04:00

I always say that challenges life throws at you are learning opportunities. I have always had a hard time dealing with injuries: I get depressed and I go into victim mode very easily. I usually overeat and tune out from the rest of the world when I'm injured. I'm a big whiner and it's worse when I'm injured.

Having been injured almost non-stop for 3 months now, I had my share of challenges. I had to learn to grieve for the goals that would not be achieved and the excitement that wouldn't be had. I had to learn to find other ways to keep myself busy while injured. I had to talk to myself non-stop so that I wouldn't fall into the deep well of depression. It has been a constant battle, and it will probably continue for another month or so before I'm out of the woods, relatively speaking. I had to refrain from eating my emotions - I didn't gain a single pound (yet), and this is a huge success! I had to make efforts to reach out to others and be in the company of people who cared and were compassionate, but who didn't fuel my feeling of being a victim. It's been a delicate balance to achieve, and some days I'm better at it than others. But I'm alive... I'm angry, but I'm okay... I'm learning the hard way, but I'm okay...

In the end, I'll be okay. This is what I have to focus on.

IMLP 2008

2008-07-20T21:27:00.003-04:00

Today was a very exciting day: Ironman Lake Placid. I'm always energized and inspired to watch people complete their Ironman. This year, my friend James was doing his first and it was awesome to wait for him at the finish line, from the comfort of my home office. Congratulations James!

I am focusing on the excitement of other people's successes rather than on my own roadblocks and I like that better. Sure, I got a little teared up earlier tonight when I thought that I would not come close to a finish line any time soon, but being sad is much more manageable than being angry or feeling sorry for myself.

Small victory: I can now walk (limp) around the house. I was even able to run a few errands today, but I paid for it and had to take ibuprofen and stay off my feet when I got home. Tomorrow is back to work - I've been working from home last week. I'm a little bit stressed about the commute, because my only option is to take the bus and then wait for a shuttle. I'm not sure what time I'll get to my desk and I'm feeling a little guilty, but at the same time, it's not my fault if our office is in a crappy location with no possibility of daily parking. I don't perform miracles and since I'm on my own here, that's the best I can come up with. OK, I'm angry with that part: I can't believe my commute is so complicated, simply because walking 1.5K each way is out of the question for now.

So... I did a bit of thinking and I'm thinking I could do the Try-a-Tri at the Last Chance Triathlon on September 21. This race is 10 weeks after my fracture, and I should be able to run at least a little by then. This Try-a-Tri is 100m swim, 11K bike and 3K run. I can definitely pull it off. If my recovery goes well and I feel bold, I'll still do the Sprint Tri to seek some redemption and show the world that I can get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down. hehehe

Broken Toe

2008-07-17T21:49:00.004-04:00

My bad luck this year continues... I broke a toe on Saturday night. It may be dislocated too, I'll find out when I get more x-rays done tomorrow.

I was just starting to recover from my bike crash. In fact, the day I broke my toe was the day that I got back on my bike for the first time since the crash! I didn't get x-rays done after the bike crash, but I know that three ribs were either bruised, cracked or broken, that my cheekbone took the hit and that I bruised the bone to the side of my little finger despite the fact that I was wearing cycling gloves. My road rash on my shoulder recovered nicely, but the shoulder itself is messed up from the crash. I'm getting ART for it and it's helping.

So, I got on my bike last Saturday and went for a short ride. My shoulder and neck were hurting a lot while on the bike and I was scared of something else happening to me during my ride. I used my breaks a lot on downhills - which sucks, I was just starting to be more comfortable with speed! The most important thing though is that I enjoyed my ride.

Then, I broke and possibly dislocated my toe while going down the stairs that night. Should have done some speed on the bike! :p

What started out as a great training year turns into a succession of injuries. This is very frustrating.

Bike Crash

2008-06-25T09:11:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I wanted to go for a bike ride, because we'd been eating lots over the long weekend and I wanted to get some exercise in. JF offered to come with me, and off we went for a slow fun ride. We turned around after about 9km, and 0.5K into our ride back home, we saw a turtle on the bike path. JF decided to stop to move it away from the bike path. I was following too close and was in a gaining speed phase, and I hit JF at 20km/h+. All I remember is seeing my front wheel hit his back wheel and then my face was hitting the pavement.

As it turns out, I tried to break and hit JF's back wheel, went over my handlebars, fell on my left shoulder then on my face. I couldn't breathe at first, and all I could think was that I had to move to the side of the bike path or else, another cyclist would hit me and it would hurt a lot. I couldn't move, because every movement was painful. I managed to move to the side of the bike path but I still couldn't breathe much. Then, I started losing vision from the left eye and I started saying "I'm gonna pass out, I'm gonna pass out". A woman had stopped and she told JF to pour cold water on my back. It helped - I didn't pass out.

I sat on the groud for a few minutes, trying to assess the situation. At that point, I knew I would have a bad road rash on my shoulder and I was concerned about broken ribs and/or broken jaw bone. My face was pounding and every breath was painful. I couldn't take a deep breath without having excruciating pain.

Eventually, I got up. I looked at my bike - the front wheel will need to be fixed, the handlebar was twisted and the seat has a inch-long tear in it. I tried to get on my bike, because we were 8.5K from home, but it was way too painful. We decided that JF would bike home to get the car, and I would bike to the nearest intersection with a street and wait for him there. I started walking on the grass beside the bike path. As luck would have it, there was a snake a few cm from my feet. I was too shocked to react, but it scared me and I decided to walk on the bike path...

Some people are very nice: people were stopping to ask if I needed any help. Two people offered to drive me home, someone offered to go to her house until JF could pick me up (JF was already gone and I had no mean of reaching him, so I said no). I noticed that the people who showed concern were either cyclists riding expensive bikes or mothers/moms-to be. I know I would have offered my help to someone else if I had come across this situation, but still, I was touched that so many people offered to help.

Walking was fine. Some sort of miracle happened where I didn't hurt my legs or hips, only my upper body and face. I walked to the nearest interesection and waited for JF. I'm not sure how long I waited, probably 30 minutes. At first, I was fine. Just assessing the road rash and the pain in my ribs. Discovering that if I hadn't worn my brand new cycling gloves, I would have a bad road rash on my left hand as well. Paying attention to the headache, that came and left every 5 minutes.

Then, what happened hit me and I started to want to cry all the tears I had in me. I couldn't cry, though, for 2 reasons: the main one was that it would make me dry-heave, which was the last thing I needed while I waited for JF; the second reason was that it would hurt my ribs and make my breathing even more difficult if I was crying. So.. I kept the crying at bay and told myself I could cry when JF picked me up or when I was home.

Because of the pain in my ribs, I didn't sleep very well last night. This morning, I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but my breathing is back to normal. My left breast is hurting a lot and so does my road rash on my shoulder... but I'm fine. I'm just a bit shocked.

Lessons learned:
- Don't follow too close; don't break too suddenly
- When JF sees any sort of animal, he stops - remember that!
- I must get a road ID made and carry it all the time - it was freaking me out that if this happened to me while I was alone, no one would know who I am
- When possible, carry a cell phone and a long sleeve shirt
- Put some travel wipes and bandages in my saddle bag

Riverkeeper - A great performance on the bike!

2008-06-14T17:55:00.004-04:00

This morning, Team "Two Sweet Chicks and One Crabby Broad" completed the Sprint Tri Relay at the Riverkeeper Triathlon. This team name really made me laugh from the first time I read it (it was Jo-Jo's idea, so Kiza and I assumed that the crabby broad was her, but apparently, it wasn't her intention to call herself the crabby one! :p ). I laughed a lot when I went to pick up our race kit: the volunteer asked for our team name and remembered reading it. I reassured him that I wasn't the crabby one and he thanked our team for sending one of the sweet ones to race kit pick up.

When Jo-Jo first talked about putting together a relay team, I was so excited about it and even more when her and Kiza accepted me on their team. I've never been one people accepted in their sports' teams, and it made me feel very good that I would be part of a team. Still, I was a bit nervous about this relay, because my teammates, Kiza and Jo-Jo, are very strong in their discipline. I came into this triathlon with the intention of giving everything I had in me, to suck it up and be strong the whole time. The last thing I wanted was to come out of this race feeling as if I could have done better. To me, being part of a team is a very important responsibility and although I wanted to have fun while with my teammates, I wanted to work very hard when I was on my own, on my bike.

So, the Crabby One and myself watched 5-months pregnant Sweet Chick # 1 try to get into her wet suit. Poor Kiza got a bigger workout from twisting herself to fit into her wetsuit than she did swimming 500m. Being the other sweet one, I was encouraging to Kiza while the crabby one was laughing out loud! ;-) Kiza and baby on board got ready for the swim start. Jo-Jo and I watched the swim start and then headed to T-Zone. Kiza being a fast swimmer, I had to be ready when she would come in. And I was! With a "see ya" to the girls, I ran as fast as I could run while holding a bike. There was a bit of a crowd at the mounting line (which was too narrow, if you ask me) and I got stuck for a few long seconds behind a girl who couldn't get her shoe to clip.

I started very fast, I wouldn't go under 30km/h for the first few kilometers. My quads were on fire but it was great! And then the course was not as flat and the wind was in my face and I slowed down a little. Still, I was riding much faster than I thought I would and I started to worry that I would get to T-Zone and Jo-Jo wouldn't be there yet! I was making all sorts of calculations, and not knowing where the turnaround point would be for the second loop, I didn't know I would end up riding 21.5 km. I don't think the fear of getting there before Jo-Jo slowed me down, but maybe it did subconsciously.

I made a rival out on the course. About halfway into it, a guy passed me and told me he'd been trying to catch and pass me for quite a while. I told him I would pass him again on the second loop! And I did... But then, he passed me again at about 17K because I had slowed down because of the stupid wind. I couldn't catch him again, but I kept him in sight. It was hard for me to believe that I had a male rival, riding a Cervelo bike! Not an unfit person with an hybrid bike, but someone who looked fit who saw me as competition. I guess I was stronger than he was on flat ground and downhill, but he was stronger than I was uphill, with the wind in our face.

When I got off the bike, I almost tripped over because my legs were heavier than they've ever been after getting off the bike. My quads were on fire and my lower back was hurting like hell, but I rode 21.5K in a little over 50 minutes! I was elated!

The best part was running with Sweet Chick # 1 and the Crabby Broad across the finish line, and finding out we placed third for Female Relay teams. My first placing! Woohoo!

After the race, we were talking about doing this again and Jo-Jo talked me into joining her for a relay team for K-Town next year. I accepted and then asked how long was the bike and if it was hilly: 56K of rolling hills! Yikes! Oh well, I like challenges and I have one year to train. Jo-Jo is a bad influence on me: first, she talks me into doing my first Half in Vancouver in May 2009 and then, she signs me up for a 56K hilly bike ride!

Saturday was a great day! My confidence is back!

Back at it!

2008-05-30T21:59:00.004-04:00

Woohoo! I ran this week after more than 4 weeks off. I went to see an osteopath who partially put my hip back in its place. The pain has moved from my abs to my sciatica, but at least, I can run and bike without pain!

The run itself was good and bad at the same time. The muscles were fine, but my cardio was not as good. At the same time, I thought my cardio would be much worse than it was. My mental was partially on, probably because I had had a very tiring day at work and I was really tired. I'm going for another run tomorrow, we'll see how this one goes... but I'm back at it!

I *may* be doing Emily's Run, but the Canada Day 10K is out of question now. I've lost too much fitness to be able to safely pull it off. Now that I have learned my lesson again, I'm going to take things slow and focus on getting back to running 3x/week consistently. If I'm in pain, I'll back off and go get treated before it turns into a full blown injury.

* * *

Despite being sidelined, I had a great weekend during the Ottawa Race Weekend. I volunteered at Race Kit pickup on Friday and had a great time. I cheered on my fellow Maniacs on Saturday night and Sunday and I have to admit that I had a blast! I had a lot of fun being on the lookout for my running friends, and to cheer as loud as I could when they ran by. I also cheered everyone else and a lot of them thanked me. I felt as if I was making a small difference in their race and it was a wonderful feeling. :-)

Joe immortalized this weekend by taking a few pictures of the official RM cheerleader. I'll be back next year!

R.I.P. Spencer

2008-05-21T20:30:00.002-04:00

Spencer,

Today was a sad day, the last one of your short life. I was deeply saddened by the news of your passing away. Yet, at the same time, I'm glad that the suffering is over. I'm glad you won't have to be in the hospital anymore, away from your school, friends and Scupper. I know you will be missed and I know you will live on in many people's hearts.

I've been choking up all day Spencer. Thinking about the unfairness of it all, thinking about this huge fight that you had to live. I've also been thinking about your legacy and how you touched my life even though we have never met. I kept thinking that you didn't want us to cry or pity you and I tried real hard not to cry but I couldn't help it. The world has lost someone who could have been a positive leader in this world. In 13 years, you have inspired so many people and I'm sure you've changed many lives. For that you will be remembered.

Your legacy to me is three-fold. First, you remind me not to take my life for granted and to not waste it. I'm lucky enough to have lived all those years, and I want to make the best out of whatever time I have left. I always get angry when people complain about growing old, because I think they're just lucky to have made it this far. I promise you never to complain about getting older. Secondly, you have given me the motivation I needed to donate blood. I have always been terrified to do that, but I will do it for you. It may require a lot of work on my part to be mentally prepared not to panic and make a fool out of myself, but I'll do it. I'll keep going and won't give up. Finally, you have made me realize how much I want to contribute to this world. I haven't accomplished that much in 30 years, but I'm going to do a lot of thinking about how I can help other people and try to touch their lives.

Rest in peace, Spencer. Your spirit will live on.

Letting go of the "could-have" and the "should-have"

2008-05-17T21:27:00.002-04:00

Sigh... Today was the day that I * should have * completed my first Sprint Tri - the Sprint Tri for which I worked so hard through the winter and spring.

I volunteered at the race this morning, and I helped man a water station at the turn-around point of the run. I had a very good time working with 3 other people, the mom, dad and son of the same family. It was fun to help out my fellow Sprint Triathletes, but I had a few moments when I thought "it could be me turning this corner and running strong" or "I should have been racing today instead of volunteering".

I know it's not my last chance to complete a Sprint Tri, but I had visualized myself doing this race so often this winter that it was heartbreaking to think about those images today.

It is very hard to accept the reality and to let go of the sadness and frustration. Sometimes, I wonder if I take this too seriously. Most days, I don't think I do - I think I really like to do this because it pushes me outside of my comfort zone and it makes me a stronger person in all the other aspects of my life. Sometimes, I think I should just get a life! ;-) I know that for me, it's more than just a sport: it's my way of keeping sane in this crazy world. It's also my way of connecting with very interesting people, with whom I had nothing in common until we shared this love of the sport.

And this is why I'm so sad about this injury: I feel that a part of me has been put on hold. I hope I don't feel as sad next Saturday, but I know deep down that it will probably be even worse!

It's just a bump in the road... If I hang on tight, I'll make it through and get my sanity back. Right?

No 10K race either... :-(

2008-05-15T20:08:00.003-04:00

This is discouraging. I've started having pain again after my last ART session. The physio mentionned that I had all the signs of a sports hernia and that I should go see a Sports Doc. I started laughing in her face: I can't see a regular doc even if I try real hard, how on Earth am I gonna see a sports doc? She told me about the Sports Medicine clinic at Carleton University. I called them this morning and I have an appointment on Tuesday! I can't believe it. I'll get this whole injury figured out, or I hope that the doc will at least reassure me that it's not a sports hernia.

With all that in mind, I haven't run all week. I tried to run on Sunday, but I was hurting after a few minutes so I stopped after about 1K. Then, I biked to work on Monday and I had terrible pain. Walking also hurts, although not as much as it hurt at first.

So... There won't be a MDS Nordion 10K for me this year. I'm heartbroken once more. This is so disapointing. I think the worst part is that the NCM weekend is the best weekend of the year - there are runners everywhere you go in the city and everyone seems healthy. It's the best! And now, I'll only be allowed to watch it from the spectator's point of view. It makes me really, really sad. I wish some miracle happened and I could run the 10K...

I've worked so hard for this - my Sprint Tri and that 10K race, and now I won't get to be part of any of it. This sucks big time.

No Early Bird Triathlon after all

2008-05-09T22:47:00.003-04:00

I'm very disapointed, but it would be stupid of me to do the Early Bird Triathlon. Sometimes, when I stop and think about how I should be tapering now instead of resting to let my injury heal, it makes me mad, sad, depressed... It seems so unfair! But these things happen to all athletes and we all bounce back from injury stronger and with even more motivation than before. I'll be fine... but it still sucks.

I'm not sure what I'll do about the MDS Nordion 10K race. My heart wants me to do it, my brain doesn't. My injury doesn't hurt as badly and I'm going to ART session # 3 tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get the abdominal muscle fixed and then I'll be able to slowly get back to training.

What I'm the most afraid of is to have lost that mental roughness that I had recently discovered deep inside of me. What if I become a wimp again? This would be terrible.

Injury Update

2008-05-04T19:26:00.002-04:00

I injured myself seriously last Saturday... The pain was always there, so I decided not to exercise last week. All I did was go for a very short swim on Wednesday.

The physio said on Monday that I had hip tendonitis and she did ultrasound on my hip to relieve some of the inflammation. However, the pain didn't really go away and my lower abdominals started to hurt a lot more as the week progressed. By Thursday, the pain was so intense that I was starting to wonder if it really was just a running injury or if there was something else going on. On Friday, the pain was unbearable, so I called the health line. The nurse told me all the possible causes of my pain: muscle strain, twisted ovary cyst, hernia, appendicitis... I was terrified that I would have to get surgery. I had a ART appointment at 6:30 on Friday night, and I decided to ask if it could be any of those things or if it really was just a running injury. I was prepared to spend the night at the ER.

The chiro told me it was hip tendonitis AND adductor strain AND pyrimidal muscle strain [the muscle on top of the pubic bone]. Pain of the pyramidal muscle mimics sports hernia, and he asked that I keep an eye for symptoms of hernia, but I don't have any much to my relief. I had always thought ART on my hip flexors was the worst muscular pain possible... It turned out ART on the pyramidal muscle is 20 times more painful - the chiro brought me close to the point of passing out! ;-) ART on the adductors was also very painful, but when he worked on my hip flexors, I told him that I felt as if I was at the Spa because there was almost no pain.

The chiro said there was hope that I could do this month's races and to take it easy with the training... I haven't done any exercise since Friday. I went for a 40 minutes walk, and I hurt a lot when I got home. Nevertheless, the pain has diminished a lot since Friday. I have another ART session on Tuesday - we'll see if I can do some sort of exercise after I get a second treatment.

I'm pretty depressed about all this. I keep telling myself how stupid I was to keep on running when it started hurting. I knew I needed to take a break from the long runs, but I kept pushing because I was so excited about my training - it was going so well! For the first time in my life, my mental was so strong that I felt nothing was impossible. I was starting to dream big: a Half-Marathon in the Fall? Why not! An open-water Sprint Tri this Summer? Sure! Why not? Now, I'm injured and inactive. I'm afraid I'll never get back to the mental state I was in when I got injured. What if I have to build back to it once again? What if I never get back to being so confident in my capacity to swim, bike and/or run?

Another thing that I can't get out of my head is my frustration at all the time I spent in the pool and the possibility that I may not get the rewards of all this hard work. Most of the times I went swimming, I had to kick myself in the butt because I could always think of better things to do. Now, I'm thinking: did I do all this for nothing? Will I not get to the start line of that triathlon? Should I have done stuff with JF or other people instead of spending those evenings or weekend afternoons at the pool? I'm so angry at myself!

Anger is not good for the soul, and not good for the body. It's a poison and it's making me sick. I hope that by writing all of this down, I'll start to feel a little better about what happened. I hope I learn my lesson... Sigh...

The dreaded I-word

2008-04-30T20:59:00.003-04:00

Dang! I'm injured!

For over a year now, I've been training carefully, keeping my eye on the prize and backing off when I felt any injury coming. I was really doing great. After SAD lifted this year, I went to the pool and swam 1,000m. On that day, my life changed: all of a sudden, I felt powerful, strong, as if everything was within my reach. I became mentally strong and improved a lot in both my swimming and my running.

I started hurting at the end of my long runs, but I blamed it on the fact that my body was getting used to the longer effort. Last Saturday, I went for a 12K run and decided to cut it short to 10K because my right hip flexor was hurting very badly. I could walk, but barely. Diagnosis: hip tendonitis.

I can't believe I pushed past my limits, 3 weeks from one of the most important races of my life. To me, this triathlon will be the race when I become a "real" triathlete. I know the try-a-tri were very significant for me, but the Sprint Tri is even more significant... Just like I felt so much more like a runner when I ran my first 10K.

I have sacrificed a lot of evenings and weekend afternoons to get there, and now it's jeopardized because of my "overmotivation". It's pointless to bang my head on the wall with regret, but I hope a little rest will get me to the start line of my triathlon healthy. I hope the Gods of Triathlon will be on my side - I've worked so hard for this!

Yay for Running!

2008-04-13T12:11:00.003-04:00

I ran my longest run ever today: 10.52K. It was the first time that I ran 10K in training, and I was a little scared of it, to be completely honest. I have to say that it went very well! There was a race happening where I run this morning and it was great to see so many runners, both in and outside of the race. It certainly cheered me up!

But now, boy! Do I ever hurt! My right arch is hurting so badly, it's like it's on fire. My hip flexors are also complaining... Time for some ART and a well deserved cut-back week!

Once the cut-back week is behind me, I'll have to work at getting a bit of speed. Right now, I run 9 minutes /km and that's way too slow for me, considering my goal for the MDS Nordion 10K is 75 minutes, so 7.5 minutes/km.

My first 1,000m swim ever!

2008-04-12T18:11:00.002-04:00

The weather was crappy today, and I decided to do my 10K LSD in the sunshine tomorrow rather than in the rain and wet snow that was forecasted today. I was supposed to go swimming tomorrow, but with the 10K LSD - which will be my first 10K run in training, by the way - I knew that I wouldn't have enough energy to go swimming. So, I went this afternoon.

JF gave me a ride, and we arranged that he would pick me up 90 minutes later. I had a lot of time and the pool was almost empty, so I just kept going until I got to 760m. I decided to see if I could swim 1,000m and I DID IT! :-) Most of it was breast stroke (75%), some of it was front stroke and I did a few lenghts of Total Immersion sweet spot drills.

I am totally amazed that I was able to swim this long. I have never, in my wildest dreams, thought that one day I could swim 1,000m. Well, I have when I started pursuing the triathlon dream, but for the majority of my life, I didn't even think of that as something I would want to achieve.

And so, now I'm thinking that maybe I could do the Sprint Tri at the Early Bird after all... I would be the last one out of the water, but who cares? I'll give this a bit more thinking, but for sure, I am very motivated to go to the pool now! Yay! I found my swimming mojo.

A Sprint Tri in May is not going to happen

2008-03-30T15:03:00.002-04:00

There, I've said it: unless some miracle happens, I won't be doing a Sprint Tri at the Early Bird Triathlon in May. Swimming has been a real challenge lately, and for many reasons, I simply couldn't get myself to the pool as often as I should have. The result is that I won't be ready for a Sprint Tri in May. At first, I was disapointed, because I was really hoping I could pull this off, but life happens something and you have to deal with whatever it throws at you.

Now that I've made this decision, I feel much less pressured about going swimming all the time. Maybe I don't have what it takes to be a triathlete, who knows? At this point, I'm not considering ever doing a triathlon longer than a Sprint Tri. The required time to spend in the pool seems too much for me to fit into my schedule, at least at this point in my professional life. I'll keep swimming because it keeps me loose and because I like doing triathlons, even if they're the short ones.

Swimming is hard. I would never have thought it would be harder than running, but it is. We'll see how much effort I can/want to put into this once Spring comes and SAD lifts. I'm still hopeful that a Sprint Tri is in my future, somewhere down the road.

SAD is taking over!

2008-03-16T10:57:00.002-04:00

I got my laser eye surgery 3 weeks ago. The results seem promising, but because my eyes are still healing, I haven't seen the final result yet.

Not being able to exercise for a week, and not being able to enjoy the sunshine since the surgery is opening the door to SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have lost a lot of my motivation to exercise or to do anything else lately. I know it's temporary, but it is hard on the mind and hard on the body. I'm starting to wonder whether I'll be ready for my Sprint Tri in May and I'm at a point where I don't really care whether I do the Sprint Tri or the Try-a-Tri. Yikes!

I've lost 5 pounds in a month, which is wonderful. All I did was to eat out less, eat fruits and vegetables instead of anything else for snacks and cut evening snacks completely. Also, it's been about 5 weeks since I ate chips and the craving is killing me! I would never have thought that giving up chips would be so hard - I feel for people who quit smoking. At least, I can have chips every once in a while... My objective when I cut chips off from my diet was to only allow myself to eat chips during Easter weekend. After that, I'll decide on another date when I can have chips so that I don't get back into the habit of eating chips every week.

Spring, come soon!

Getting PRK again and health issues

2008-02-18T21:44:00.004-05:00

This thursday is round 2 of PRK laser eye surgery for me. My vision has never been perfect since the surgery in December 2006, and it has regressed a bit over the summer. I'm now at -1 and -1.25 plus some astigmatism still remaining, so I qualify for a free second round of surgery. Since the Summer, I knew and I hoped this day would come when I'd get another chance to get perfect vision, but now that it's upon me, I'm very anxious about it. I remember every little annoying detail of the surgery and the few days afterwards and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm so anxious that I tend to forget the prize for getting the surgery: a better vision.

All this stress, added on top of the stress and frustration from my job make me physically sick. I've been having digestive issues since last Wednesday, and i'm already down 4 lbs. It all started with a strange feeling while I was driving to Montreal about 10 days ago. All of a sudden, I felt as if I was going to faint while at the wheel, and it felt like blood was rushing through my brain. Then, on Wednesday, I had a migraine, for the first time in 2 years. :-( It was then that I realized that I had been feeding my body very poorly in the past couple of months and my body was telling me "Enough!"

I've been eating almost perfectly in the past couple of days and didn't get any more headaches. I'm hoping that I learned my lesson and that I'll be more careful with what I eat from now on. In the process, I hope to be losing a few pounds and keep that weight off. However, I hope I won't have to go through what I've been through the last time... I'll do everything I can to avoid it.

My running training is going well. I ran 9K yesterday! :-) Swimming is not going so well and I'm a little discouraged and a little stressed. I'm not sure I can swim 500m in 20 minutes or less at the Early Bird Sprint Tri and I'm afraid I'll look like a loser if it takes me 25 minutes. So, I stress about it. Very clever. ;-)

Can I really swim 500m?

2008-02-03T21:28:00.000-05:00

104 days from today is my first Sprint Tri. Self-doubt is creeping in tonight... Can I really swim 500m non-stop on May 17th? I had my fourth Pre-Masters course tonight. It was tough and I'm a bit discouraged. I know that 104 days is a lot of days to practice and improve, but I'm doubting my abilities tonight... just like I was doubting my abilities to swim 200m a year ago.

Sigh...

January Update

2008-01-30T20:53:00.000-05:00

Pre-Masters is awesome! I am doing drills that will help me with my stroke, but more importantly, I'm spending more time in the water and getting more comfortable every week. Just in January, I will have swum over 5,000m after tomorrow's practice. This is a very high number for someone who couldn't swim at all 18 months ago. :-)

I registered for my first Sprint Tri in May, which includes a 500m pool swim, a 20K bike ride and a 5K run. I am a bit worried about the swim, because I would like to do it all front crawl, and i'm not sure I will improve enough to go from 50m front crawl straight (right now) to 500m front crawl in May. We'll see. I'm ready to lower my standards a bit and go with some front crawl and some breast stroke... but I would really love to do all front crawl.

Right now, I can "swim" 280m straight. I put "swim" in brackets because that 280m consists of some front crawl, some breast stroke and a lot of Sweet Spot drills. Oh well, I'm still covering the distance and building some endurance, I guess...

***

I've started increasing my running distances in preparation for 10K training. I will run 7K on Saturday, as a LSD, and I'm running a bit faster on my week runs (but doing intervals between 3:1s to 5:1s). I don't consider my week runs speed work, but I do run a little bit faster than on Saturday.

I ran just a little over 40K in January, which is below what I am expecting to run during my 10K training. These 40K are a good start, and I didn't get injured even though I've been doing longer long runs and running more consistently. And this, my friends, feels very good.

***

I will be getting laser eye surgery again soon. My vision has started regressing this Summer, and it has now stabilized which means I can get a second surgery. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, because I'm remembering every little detail of the first one, but I can't wait to see clearly. Also, one week off work and spent sleeping sounds very interesting to me right now.

Pre-Masters Swimming

2008-01-13T20:17:00.001-05:00

I have completed 3 adult swimming lessons courses, and I found myself lately at a point where I was fine with the basics of swimming, but I wasn't quite yet ready for Masters swimming or to join a triathlon club. Last week, I saw an advertisment for Pre-Masters swimming, where the requirement was to be able to swim for 50m straight, and have some basic knowledge of front crawl, back crawl and breast stroke. I decided to sign up for it and my first lesson was tonight. It was awesome! :-)

There are 2 other girls taking the lessons with me. These girls are about at the same level as I am, which is so good for my ego. I was scared that they'd be much better than I am, but we're about the same.

The instructor is very nice too, and he takes the time to explain to us how we should be feeling in the water and why we need to do things a certain way. He made us do some basic drills, which were challenging, but doable. I was good at some things, not as good at other things. One thing I noticed while doing one of the drills is that I stop kicking while I am breathing. I think I do the same when I swim laps, and this would explain why I feel like I'm sinking when I breathe...

Anyway, it was great and I think these lessons will help me progress in my swimming. Yay!

Running-wise, I'm getting back at running consistently (3 times a week) and I will start increasing the lenght of my Saturday long runs next weekend. My ultimate running goals for the Spring are a 35 minutes 5K in April and a 1:10 10K in May. To achieve them, I am planning on running consistently and swimming/cycling to strenghten my quads. I think those goals are within reach if I train smartly and avoid injury.

On a personal note, I was confirmed into my position at work. Yay! I don't need to worry about it anymore, and I can now concentrate on the next part of my carreer.

Bye Bye 2007!

2007-12-31T16:21:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe another year has gone by... As always, on New Year's Eve, I take some time to think about the past year and reflect on what I have accomplished. For me, 2007 was a milestone year. In 2007, I started designing the Master Plan of what I want my adult life to be.

2007 was a great year and I'm grateful for:
- Buying my first house with JF
- Moving into this house and making it a home
- Getting settled in my position at work
- Completing my first 10K race, and my second one too
- Learning to swim and completing my first triathlon
- Adopting a new family member - Jake, our English Springer Spaniel
- Believing a bit more in myself
- Making new friends and strenghtening some of my existing friendships
- Putting myself first and standing up for myself

Tonight, I will participate in the Resolution Run in Ottawa and I will take advantage of those 5K to make up some goals for 2008. Hopefully, 2008 will be as good as 2007 was!

Victory!

2007-11-03T10:06:00.000-04:00

This week, I accomplished 2 things that I am very proud of:

1- I ran 30 minutes non-stop for the first time ever
2- I swam 2 lenghts of the pool doing breast stroke

Lately, I've been running on the TM, because I find it more convenient and more safe, and also because I was recovering from my injury and my ART guy asked that I run on the TM. On the TM, I can lower the speed and just run, run, run, without needing to stop for a walk break. When I run outside, I always go out too fast and I can't slow myself down, so I need frequent walk breaks. On the TM, I can think of stuff and just keep running for as long as my body will let me. This week, I ran for 30 minutes without a walk break and I could have kept going if the TM wasn't programmed to stop after 30 minutes. (Time for me to shop for a new gym)

Then, on Thursday, I went to the pool for my swimming lesson and I finally understood the breast stroke. I was able to swim 2 full lenghts of the pool non-stop - woohoo!!! Suddenly, my goal of doing a Sprint Tri in 2008 seems achievable, because I'll be able to swim the breast stroke when/if I need a break.

If it weren't from my skin allergies to chlorine, I'd be more willing to go to the pool more often. But with the allergies, it's a hassle to get myself into and out of the pool without agravating the allergic reactions. The upside is that I'm more motivated than ever to go to the pool and i'm finally starting to feel as if I can do this.

What a wonderful feeling!

Injured - Struggling - Breaking Records - So Happy!

2007-10-25T20:47:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I updated my blog. I guess after the Montreal race, I needed a physical and mental break from training, and I didn't have that much to say.

Injured

I got injured during the Montreal 10K. I pushed so hard that my whole body broke a little... Following the race, I was sore, but nothing out of the ordinary. However, the rest that I allowed myself didn't help me recover, in fact, the pain in my shins, in my right ankle and my hip flexor wouldn't go away. I kept on running, because I still had 2 important runs to do in September: the Run for the Mouse and the Run for the Cure.

Following the Run for the Cure, I admitted that I was injured and that I needed rest and treatment. I am now starting to feel better, and I am back at running on the treadmill, short distances and very slow.

I had 3 weeks when I was fed up with running, or any training in general. All I wanted to do was to have a normal life, you know, sleeping in on the weekends and not rushing to get your training done after work... And so, I allowed myself that and I am now finding running more enjoyable.

Struggling

I've been struggling through my running injury, but I've struggled even more in the pool. This semester, I chose to take 2 swimming lessons with 2 different instructors. I had a few weeks when I would come back from my lessons discouraged because it's just not natural to me to be swimming and I sucked, compared to the other people in my class.

I was reconsidering my triathlon goals, wondering why I should put up with this when it was so hard... I was desperatly hoping for a breakthrough.

Breaking Records

While trying to run off some work-related anger on the treadmill last week, I ran continuously for 26 minutes! My previous record was 20 minutes non-stop. :D

The only reason why I stopped was because the treadmill had a 30 minutes limit and I had used 4 minutes as a walking warm-up. Because I'm still recovering from my injury, I also didn't want to push it.

Next step: 30 minutes non-stop.

So Happy

I had my breakthrough session at the pool tonight. All of a sudden, I understood the breast stroke AND the butterfly stroke. I am so happy and so grateful that this happened today of all days. I had a crappy week at work, and I didn't need another depressing swimming lesson.

I am thrilled!

I'm 30!

2007-09-18T18:14:00.000-04:00

I turn 30 today. Some people are depressed when they turn 30, but I'm not. Looking back on the person I was on the day of my 20th birthday and the person that I've become during those 10 rollercoaster years, I am in awe at how much I did during my 20's:

- Moved to Montreal
- Completed a B.Sc. and a M.Sc.
- Got impressive work experience during my studies
- Moved to Ottawa
- Went to Europe, visited London and Paris
- Went to Cuba twice
- Met JF
- Adopted 2 cats and a dog
- Bought a house
- Got a permanent position (and a few promotions)
- Gained 50lbs, lost 25 of those pounds
- Started running
- Ran my first 5K race and my first 10K race, and many more running races
- Fundraise money for good causes
- Learned to swim
- Completed my first triathlon (followed by a second one)

On a personnal level:

- I became more assertive and more confident
- I improved the way I manage stress
- I made peace with a few things from my past
- I stood up for myself on many occasions
- I learned to reach out when I needed help and to voice my needs
- I learned to let go of some of the things I can't control (still working on that)
- I decided the kind of life I wanted to have and the kind of people I wanted in my life and acted accordingly
- I "burnt out" at 26 and learned how to better take care of myself from that experience
- I let go of the feeling that I must be good at everything, be everything to everyone and live my life to respond to other people's expectations
- I understood that you can't have it all and that you need to make choices in life, otherwise, you waste your energy fighting too many battles that are not that important
- I became a much stronger person, both physically and mentally

I felt that my 20's were very difficult, but it's because of what I pursued during those 10 years. I wanted to become a more balanced person, and I had to go through a few difficult years in order to grow. When I turned 20, I ran away from a life that I didn't want and I spent years trying to identify what I really wanted. Now, I feel like I'm running towards the life that I want. During my 30's, I would like to accomplish the following:

- Live to see my 40's
- Strenghten my relationship with JF
- Confirm my current professional level and settle down in my current job
- In a year or two, start looking at horizontal career moves to work in the field of work that I've always wanted to work in (sustainable urban development)
- Travel to Europe again
- Visit Boston, New York and San Francisco
- Run my first Half-Marathon and my first Marathon
- Complete my first Sprint Triathlon, my first Olympic Triathlon and maybe even a Half-Ironman
- Make a decision on whether to have kids or not and live with it
- Strenghten my existing friendships, revisit them from time to time
- Learn to forgive (for real)
- Try to become a more patient person and a less judgmental one
- Lose 15lbs and keep my weight down at 140lbs
- Learn to meditate
- Be on the lookout for new opportunities that life will undoubtly throw at me. Make the best out of those opportunities.

Here's to my 30's: may those years be filled with health, love, strenght and happiness!

Triple PB!

2007-09-10T20:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I participated in the rbk 10K race, as part of the Festival de la Santé de Montréal. It was my second 10K race, and I was really hoping to better my 10K time from May. Having gained a lot of speed over short distances and confidence over the Summer, I thought I could easily PB, unless something terrible happened.

Then, on the train, on Saturday afternoon, I thought about a long discussion we had on Running Mania about the fear of failure. I am the type of person who sets objectives for myself that I am very likely to reach, possibly because it's so hard when you don't achieve your objectives!

Therefore, my goals for this race were:
1) Run the 10K under 1:15
2) Have a good mental race
3) Cross the finish line with a Kenyan (a HalfM one )

I achieved 2 of my 3 goals.

Goal # 1: Run the 10K under 1:15

I did it! I decided that my goal couldn't be just to PB. I knew that PB'ing was very likely to happen, and so I decided that 1:15 was a much more ambitious goal, and that it would motivate me to push through when it would get rough.

During the night of Saturday to Sunday, I had terrible lower back pain and I started thinking that I would DNS or DNF. I wasn't willing to risk serious back pain for a 10K race. I was very disapointed about that, but you don't control these things. I decided to wait until the morning and see how the walk to the start line went because sometimes, my lower back pain goes away when I walk. In the morning, I had some eLoad, which I puked. It wasn't the stress of the race, my stomach was just really upset with the eLoad. I walked out the door discouraged - with a hurting back and an upset stomach.

The walk to the start line helped relieve the back pain, and so I decided to start the race. I did start and I did finish. My Polar footpod even tells me that I triple PB'd this race! To try not to be a pain in the @ss for the people running around me, I ran on the outside part of the course, and so I ran more than 10K - 10.42 to be more precise. These poor people who were doing a very good job at pacing themselves had to put up with my anarchic run/walk strategy.

I completed the first 5K in 36:29, which is a PB.

I ran the second 5K in 35:52 and beat the PB that I had set 36 minutes ago!

I ran 10K in 1:12:21, and then I was about 400m from the finish line, so I kept on pushing.

My official time is 1:14:51 - a PB by almost 5:30!

Goal # 2: Have a good mental race

Not so much. As I always do in races, I mentally crashed, somewhere around the 4K mark. What was different this time, was that I picked myself up and kept on moving forward, without caring about my pacing or my frequent and disorganized walk breaks. I didn't follow the original plan and I ran this race triathlon-style (run when you can, walk when you need it) rather than by doing 3:1, 5:1 or whatever run/walk combination.

I was very angry at myself for crashing mentally... But then, I saw my friend Crash cheering for me and it brought a huge smile to my face and gave me the energy I needed to keep on pushing.

I always find some positive in my apparent failures, and not letting myself sink into the lows of my own self-doubts was a real victory for me.

Goal # 3: Cross the finish line with a HalfM Kenyan

Done!

He probably was the 25th-30th HalfM to come in, though. The winner of the HalfM passed me when I was about 6K into my race. I was shocked.

Next Steps

Officialize my 5K PB at the Rattle me Bones 5K at the end of October: shoot for 35 minutes.

I'm REALLY a triathlete now!

2007-09-02T22:22:00.000-04:00

I did my second Try-a-Tri yesterday. This event was special to me because last year, I went to watch the Try-a-Tri and I told myself that I could do this and made the goal of doing that one in 2007.

Unfortunately, I wasn't excited about this race in the weeks leading up to it. After I did my first triathlon, I realized that I was 6 weeks away from the rbk 10K race in Montreal on Sept 9 and that I had better get ready for this race. So, I slacked off on the triathlon training and concentrated on my running. On Friday night at the M&G, I was really hoping to become excited about the race, but nothing.

At 4am on Saturday morning, I woke up and all of a sudden, my stress about the race hit me. There was a lot of internal debating as to whether I wanted to do this race. I finally identified the problem: I was terrified at the thought of making a fool of myself during the swim. After much debating, I "decided" (read: forced myself) to face my fears and try to do my best, race my own race and live with the results. I still wasn't motivated, but at least I knew which demons I would be fighting during the race.

Swim.

I am thrilled by the way I swam! I just kept going, doing front crawl first and then back crawl for most of the swim. The thing that I am the most proud about is that I only stopped a few times and I didn't walk much (10-15 meters maybe?). In my first triathlon, I must have walked half of the distance.

What was great was to have JF and Karine and Eric's family cheering for me during the swim. I could hear their cheers and it was cool.

I couldn't run out of the water, I was so tired. When I reached the T-zone, there were a bunch of Maniacs cheering for me, which took me totally by surprise (but what a pleasant surprise!). I was so in my zone that all I can remember is seeing Scrummy, SuperBob and Andy.

Bike.

The transition went smoothly. I really couldn't run out from the T-zone to the mount line. I tried, but my legs wouldn't let me.

A few kilometers into the ride, I told myself "Wait a second! The guy you saw in the cheering squad can't have been Andy, Andy is racing right now... Oh no, I hope nothing happened to Andy and he couldn't do his race". And then, I realized that I had confused Crash for Andy! This made me giggle a little.

Saw Brian and Andy on the bike course, which was cool and which confirmed that it really wasn’t Andy that I saw cheering for me. I was relieved that Andy was out there, doing his race.

Close to the half-way point, my bike started making a strange noise, as if something was rubbing against the tire. I stopped to the side of the road to look at everything, but didn’t find the reason for the noise. After one minute of riding, I heard the same noise again, but louder. I stopped again and took a closer look at my brakes. Sure enough, one of the pads was brushing against my wheel. I loosened it a little, and left again. I was still hearing a strange noise and I was praying that I would make it to 15K without problems. Eventually, I noticed that my bike computer wasn’t working and I thought that probably one of the sensors came loose and was “tack-a-taking” against something, which explained the noise I heard.

Tailwind on the way back. Woohoo! The 15K ride itself must have taken me about 43 minutes, which i'm very happy about.

Run.

When I got to my transition zone, there was a bike on my spot and another one on my stuff. I wasn’t happy. I put my bike somewhere else and pushed the bike away from my stuff.

I hit the lap button on my watch to know exactly how long it would take me to cover 5K. After about 500m, I saw the infamous Hula Girl on the side of the run course, playing with a dog. So, I say “hey Hula Girl!”. Nothing. I say again “Hmm, Hmm, Hula Girl” and then she looks up, sees me and cheers me on as if she didn’t know me. A few seconds later, she recognizes me and goes “Oh, Go Claudie, Go, etc.”

The run itself was uneventful. I ran, I walked, but I achieved every one of the little challenges I set for myself “run to the next pylon”, for example. I even shared this tip with a fellow runner, who seemed to be struggling. When I passed her, she told me she couldn't stop thinking about the hill coming up. I told her "just keep running to the next pylon, and then the next, until you reach the finish line". I promised her she would make it. She didn't seem like she believed it. After I passed her, I started thinking about the hill and I had a bit of hesitation, but after a few minutes, I got back into "my zone".

Saw Jesse the photographer, and then Jesse (Scrummy) and Jo-Jo again later. So cool to see so many people I knew out on the course!

I raced without music, which was a first for me, and it went well. Yesterday, I was in a mental zone that I really can’t explain. I was doing what I had to do, and trying to enjoy the moment. I hope I can re-create that zone in my future races.

5K completed in a little less than 38 minutes… 30-40 seconds away from my 5K PB.

Epilogue.

I had a good time out there yesterday. I feel like I can now call myself a triathlete without feeling like I’m faking it, because I feel like I really swam yesterday.

I didn’t crash mentally during the race, which is also a first. I managed my energy levels well and I am very happy about that. When I got to the finish line, I had nothing left in me for a final sprint, so I just kept running. I wish I could have impressed my cheering squad at the finish line with a good sprint, but I didn’t have it in me. I’m glad I listened to my body more than to my ego.

My stats: on the swim, I was 93/95; on the bike, I was 74/95, on the run, I was 86/95. Overall, I was 84/95, but the woman who finished in front of me started the swim in the wrong wave, so she should have finished at least 5 minutes behind me.

I didn't really enjoy my first triathlon, probably because I was too nervous about it. Yesterday, I became a triathlete who enjoys doing triathlons. Woohoo!

It's Taper Time!

2007-08-26T17:14:00.000-04:00

This morning, I did my last long run before my 10K race in 2 weeks. I was supposed to run/walk 9K doing 4:1s, but the run didn't go as planned and I did just about everything: 4:1s, 3:1s, 5:1s, 2 minutes sprint and a lot of walking. It took me 1:22 to complete 9.4K. Needless to say, I walked a lot: 35 minutes running and 47 minutes walking. Not exactly what I wanted to do!

It was too hot, then too humid, then my lower back was hurting, then I didn't feel like running anymore... It was a bad day.

It is now time to taper. First, for my next Triathlon, which is next Saturday and then for my 10K race on September 8th. Exciting times ahead!

Life goes on...

2007-08-20T15:57:00.000-04:00

I didn't update my blog for a few weeks. Time goes by so fast!

I'm getting prepared for both my next Try-a-Tri and my next 10K race, which happen one week apart of one another. Following my first triathlon, I got a cycling injury (thumbs) and I am getting a professional bike fitting tomorrow morning. I have only been on my bike once since my Triathlon and I'm looking forward to going out for a Stardust ride!

I've been running a lot. After my first triathlon, I went into panic mode about the Montreal rbk 10K on September 8th. I really want to run this 10K and I realized that I had a lot of work to do to get there. Since my first 10K at the end of May, i've been running 3-6K runs, but I started increasing my mileage and I did a 8K LSD this morning. Not being able to slow down when I run, I decided to take it from the start and try to keep that speed for longer running intervals. At first, I did 2:1s for a week, this week I did 3:1s and I'll be doing 4:1s this coming week. I should be up to 5:1s by the time I race in Montreal.

I seem to be on a roll right now with my running. The last 2 runs have been very good: 5K in 37:40 on Saturday doing 3:1s (almost a PB!!!) and 8K this morning where I was very disciplined and did all the 3:1s I was supposed to do. I have to admit that I have been more consistent in getting my 3 runs/week in and it's starting to pay off. I'll do my best to keep that up, even when the racing season is over.

I went back to the river for open water swims a few times. I'm still freaking out sometimes, but my performance on September 1st should be a bit better than the one on August 4th. This is all that really matters to me.

I've received the Fall schedule for swimming lessons offered by the city, and I'm pondering my options right now. I'll take a lesson for sure, but maybe I'll take two. I really liked how I improved with 2 lessons/week this Spring and having 2 different instructors may be interesting.

The Impossible Made Possible - My First Triathlon!

2007-08-04T21:44:00.000-04:00

I did it – I completed my first Triathlon!!!

I got to the race site very early this morning, and I set up my Transition area, just like everyone else – like I knew what I was doing!

And then, the long wait started… The doubts crept in… Right before the swim start, I didn’t want to go anymore and I almost started crying like a baby.

The Swim

I got into the water and I started crying a little bit. Just a little bit, to relieve some of the pressure. Not enough that anyone could notice, but I was really scared. I’m not sure what I was scared of, but I think it was probably a mix of the unknown and the fear of failure. What if I worked so hard and I didn’t achieve my dream? I would have been devastated.

I placed myself at the back of the pack and heard a girl telling her friend “I suck at swimming”. I really wanted to tell her: “YOU think you suck at swimming? Watch me”. It turned out that we both sucked at swimming, and we followed one another during the whole swim. She finished right after me. I was amazed that I wasn’t the last one out of the water!

The swimming was not fun. I’m not used to swimming outside, and it showed. The rules for this Try-a-Tri say that you could walk, as long as water was higher than your belly button. I did take advantage of this, when I needed to calm down (yes, I needed to calm down – during the whole swim, I was somewhere between panic and uneasiness). When I was swimming, I was mostly swimming on my back. JF told me I was not swimming in a straight line, it looked more like I was doing zig-zags…

Eventually, the swim was over and I told a volunteer that the worst was behind me now. I saw Joe at the exit of the swim and he took pictures and gave me a high-five. JF told me that I wasn’t the last one out of the water. Woohoo!

I ran and walked to T-1. The last girl out of the water passed me during T-1. My swim time + run on the beach + T-1 was 12:45. For 200m, that’s a lot of time, but I will improve!

The Bike

I decided to ride Stardust even if I’m not comfortable riding it yet. It was the BEST decision I’ve ever made!!! I rode 20K in 52:39 . This is unheard of me. The best 20K time that I got with the nameless hybrid bike was 1:03.

The bike consisted of two 10K loops. You went mostly on a slight downhill, and then you came back mostly on a slight uphill. The first loop was very speedy for me: I was passing many people, some of them being Try-a-Triers who beat me on the swim. I completed the first loop in 23:xx and I was when I saw this. However, the second loop on the way back was slowed down by head wind. I thought it had suddenly gotten windy, but I thought I was imagining this because I was tired. After the race, JF told me the wind did pick up during my second loop.

I started enjoying my Tri at some point near the end of the first loop on the bike. I was so happy to be riding Stardust and I loved the speed! At one point, I got passed by a guy with high-tech wheels. I heard him coming – sshhhhhhh – and I loved hearing that sound when he passed me.

My shoulders hurt during the ride, as did my lower back. I made a mental note to go get a proper fitting ASAP.

My bike time, including the 20K, the walk to/from transition to mounting line, was 55:50. I was 51st after the run, 43rd after the bike.

Here I am, coming back from the bike and heading into transition. JF asked me how I was feeling, I told him “this is so hard!” and he replied “You’ll whine when you’re finished. Keep moving!”. Now, this is not what I call “great support”…

The Run

I was expecting the run to be hard, and it was. I followed Sara’s advice and although I had my foot pod and watch, I didn’t turn them on to track my run. I totally ran by feeling: walking when I needed to, and running when I could. The run/walk was uneventful until I saw Jesse close to the 1K mark taking pictures – I did my best to smile for the camera!

At the turn around point, a man made me laugh when he told me he was trying to draft off me. I told him he shouldn’t do that, unless he wanted to walk a lot! He laughed and he ran passed me. I started to realize that I would finish this thing past the 3K mark. I knew I would make it under 2 hours (which was my original goal) and that maybe I would even finish under 1:50. I thought that I would officially become a triathlete in the next 15 minutes and it cheered me up.

This is when I saw that stupid hill, and Jesse taking pictures at the top of it. Just my luck... there was no one around me, so she was shooting pictures of me from 100m away!!! I had planned on walking up half the hill and then run the rest of it, but Jesse messed up my plans. I sucked it up – the things you do under peer pressure – and started running up the hill, while Jesse was shooting. As soon as I passed her, I took a walk break.

A few hundred meters later, I saw Joe, who shot pictures of me going a slight downhill – much better - and then… I turned a corner and there was the finish area! JF was waiting for me 300m from the finish line and when I saw him, I almost started to cry. I was very happy! I picked up the pace, and then took another walk break. About 150m from the finish line, people were cheering me on and one woman told me to give it all I had left. I answered “but I have nothing left!” and I started running again. I didn’t stop until I passed the finish line.

I finished in 1:49:44, in 44th place (out of 51 participants).

I am a Triathlete!

I spent over 20 hours training in the water in the past year. I biked for 323km. I ran a little less than 400km since I started training for my first triathlon, a year ago. These numbers don’t seem much to me – but they tell me how much I can achieve if I put more effort!

I would like to thank all my friends of Running Mania for instilling the triathlon dream in me. I would never have dared taking up this challenge if it wasn’t from the great inspiration that I got on this Forum. I truly believe that I am surrounded by angels, who help me push myself to reach the unreachable, and achieve the impossible. Thank you Running Mania.

Today's T-Day

2007-08-04T06:51:00.000-04:00

I'm nerveous this morning, but not as much as I expected... It's probably all going to implode when I get to the race site... I think I'm in denial right now.

I can't wait for the Tri to be started, because only then, will I stop worrying and start enjoying. A race report will follow later on today.

16 hours away from my first Tri...

2007-08-03T17:51:00.000-04:00

I picked up my race kit today. I guess this means that I'm really going to do this tomorrow! I'm torn between excitement and fear, but I suppose it's normal to feel that way.

After my last post on this blog, I received the following quote by email and it changed my perspective on this important milestone in my life:

"Pressure is a word that is misused in our vocabulary. When you start thinking of pressure, it's because you've started to think of failure."

I realized that I was preparing myself in case I failed to complete my first Tri or not live up to my own expectations. After thinking about this for a while, I decided that in this case, failure would be to not race tomorrow. Finishing last wouldn't mean failure, because I would still have faced my fears and kept moving in spite of it.

As long as I show up and I do my best, I will have succeeded.

Tomorrow, I will Tri. I will prove myself that I am stronger than I think I am. I will move forward with everything that I have. I will enjoy the moment. I will conquer my fears!!!

T - 3

2007-08-01T09:47:00.000-04:00

We're 3 days away from my first Tri and I'm stressed out. It probably doesn't help that I'm on vacation by myself and have all the time in the world to stress about it. I'm not sure what is stressing me out... I can't put my finger on one thing, so it has to be the fear of the unknown. I'm losing sleep over this and I'm upsetting my digestive system with all this unnecessary stress.

Today, i'm going to go for my last bike ride before the Tri and then to the chiro to get some pre-race ART. My calves and shoulders desperately need some hard work... Tomorrow is back to work for me, which is fine with me as it will make me think of other things. I can't believe how this Tri has taken over all my thoughts!

I think I feel like I have something to prove. I wouldn't say I need to prove it to the world, but I need to prove it to myself that I can be a triathlete. I probably was the least likely person to ever complete a Triathlon, but here I am: trained and ready to bike and run, less trained and less ready to swim.

Is that possible that I've become a whole different person since that night when I swore I would take care of my health? Is that possible that the fear of dying that I felt that night turned me into a determined athlete? Whenever I look back, I can't believe how far I've come. It's been quite a journey for me, from couch potato to runner, then from runner to triathlete. Triathlon training is the hardest thing I've ever undertaken, and I can't see any better reward than "wearing" the "Triathlete" tag at the end of this week.

First Tri Stress Dream

2007-07-31T08:45:00.000-04:00

I had my first Tri stress dream this morning. It was race day, and nothing worked like it was supposed to. The swim took place in a very tiny pool, no one would tell us when we were finished swimming the required distance and at some point, there was no water... Then, I realized that I didn't get bodymarking (which I am so looking forward to!)... I couldn't find my bike and I didn't remember setting up my transition area... and then, I realized that it was super hot and I had only brought a shirt with sleeves... No one was respecting the rules, and people were all over the place... Worst - no one enforced those rules! I gave up on the Tri during the bike course, because I wouldn't know what I was supposed to do and it made me so frustrated. I hope this is not what will happen!

It's official - I am now one level away from being freaked out about my Tri.