Bye grand-maman

Grand-maman,

Tu nous a finalement quittés hier, après plus de 91 ans sur notre planète. Je n'ai pas été surprise d'apprendre ta mort, mais la nouvelle m'a quand même ébranlée. Je suis heureuse pour toi, parce que les dernières années ont été difficiles et parce que la vie n'avait plus autant de saveur depuis le départ de grand-papa. J'espère qu'il était là pour t'accueillir là où l'on va après notre mort. J'espère que tu as revu Julie aussi et que le passage vers la mort n'a pas été trop difficile.

J'ai beaucoup pensé à toi hier soir. Je me suis rappelé plusieurs bons souvenirs, les plus marquants étant les Noëls que nous passions chez-vous quand on était petits. Pour moi, c'était tout un bonheur de dormir chez-vous, c'était comme une aventure. J'étais toujours très excitée de préparer mon matelas dans le corridor en-haut le soir de Noël avant d'aller dormir. Et j'adorais les déjeuners du lendemain de Noël: tu avais toujours du bon pain carré (du pain à sandwich) et c'était très spécial pour moi de manger des toasts faites avec ce pain. Tu avais toujours aussi des 'céréales sucrées' et c'était un pur délice de déjeuner chez-toi. Je me souviens aussi comment toi et grand-papa nous donniez toujours un jeu de cartes pour nous faire passer le temps. On inventait des jeux et on s'amusait bien. C'était toujours spécial.

Je me souviens aussi de la fois où tu m'as raconté ta rencontre avec grand-papa et vos fréquentations. C'était une belle histoire et j'avais beaucoup aimé me la faire raconter. Quand je l'ai racontée à maman plus tard, elle disait que ce n'était pas la même version qu'elle avait entendue... mais peu importe, j'ai aimé cette histoire, mais surtout le temps que tu as passé à me la raconter. Je voyais comment ça te faisait du bien de me raconter ça.

Et je me rappellerai de ta peine quand tu es arrivée au salon suite au décès de grand-papa. Tu t'es presque effondrée de douleur et ça m'a énormément touchée. Jamais tu ne montrais autant tes émotions et j'avais été quelque peu surprise de constater que tu pouvais toi aussi vivre de grandes émotions. Te voir comme ça m'avait brisé le coeur et je me souviens à ce moment là m'être dit que j'espérais aimer quelqu'un de cette façon un jour, moi aussi.

Il m'est arrivé souvent de penser au genre de vie que tu as eue, comment ça a dû être difficile pour toi d'élever pratiquement seule une aussi grosse famille. Je pense que je comprends les raisons pour lesquelles tu te donnais toujours une image de femme forte et que tu ne montrais pas ou peu tes sentiments. Je pense que je comprends, parce que je pense que nous sommes semblables sur ce point.

Repose en paix, grand-maman. Je t'aime.

I'm OK now

I snapped out of my seasonal depression. :-) It only lasted about 10 days this year, which is a huge improvement over the past few years.

My hip is now hurting much more than it did two weeks ago, probably because the tailbone pain is not as sharp and also because I'm walking more now. Yesterday, I ran about 100m to catch the bus and it was the worst idea - I had a lot of pain afterward. My hip is really bad right now, it feels totally off. I don't think it's ever felt so out of place as it does right now. Sigh.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, v.2009

Seasonal Affective Disorder has hit me! :-(

I felt it start, if you can believe it. Things were fine on Wednesday last week when I went to bed, but on Thursday, I started feeling sad for no particular reason (one would say that being in a lot of pain would be a good enough reason to feel sad, though). Friday, it had hit me big time and I procrastinated most of the day. This week was tough, and today I realized that this was it: SAD has hit me.

This is proof that SAD is mostly chemical. Seriously, my life is very good right now and other than that tailbone injury (which still hurts a lot), I have no reason to be depressed. I love my new job, I have a good relationship with JF, our pets are healthy (at last), I have a strong plan to pay off my credit card debt and JF and I have a lot of plans for the coming months and years. I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago and I really thought that the vitamin D I took since November as well as the trip to Mexico would have been enough to keep me from experiencing SAD this year. It is apparently not the case.

My brain has a chemical imbalance. No matter how good my life is. Sigh... I guess SAD is part of me, then. When I have SAD, everything is more difficult and motivation is usually very low. I'll just sit around and procrastinate instead of doing the things I love. When I do those things, they won't bring me as much pleasure as they usually do. For example, there was a song that I discovered last week that I really liked. It made me feel happy. This week, when I was listenning to it, I didn't really care. SAD is like I'm sleepwalking through my life, like a zombie.

Fortunately, I know what is going on in my body and I know that my brain is deprived of serotonin. Knowing there is a physical reason for the way I am feeling right now really helps. Understanding what is going on in my brain also helps. I know it should be a matter of weeks before I start to enjoy life again. In the meantime, I'll try to hold tight.

WTF?!?

When I got out of bed on Saturday morning, I was feeling good. It was Saturday and I had a nice relaxing weekend ahead of me. I was planning on going for another one of my short naked runs later in the morning. I was planning on going swimming on Sunday and I was starting to think about my comeback for triathlon season 2009.

At 10:30, I went upstairs to grab my gear to go for my run. I slipped and feel straight on my tailbone. It didn't really hurt, but the loud CRACK I heard when I fell didn't sound like a good thing. I got up and walked a little... then I passed out on the kitchen floor. It was the best feeling ever: I felt so good while I was passed out and I was dreaming. I woke up to a panicked JF slapping me in the face and then I started feeling VERY bad. I felt like I was going to pass out again and I was losing vision in my right eye. JF put cold water on my face, which didn't help much. A minute later, I started puking. That's when I asked JF to call an ambulance.

I made it to the ER and got x-rays done. Conveniently, they x-rayed my tailbone, pelvis and SI joint. Remember I'd been talking about getting those x-rays a few months ago? Well, I got them on Saturday and everything is fine there. No fractures or displacements that could be seen on a x-ray. I was sent home with lots of drugs and a week off work.

This hurts like hell! So much that I'm wondering how long it will be before I can start running and riding my bike again. I'm also pissed, but I try very hard not to let that feeling take control of me because it wouldn't do any good. I'm wondering if I should just give up on running altogether though. I mean, I started running again 6 times and each time, something happened to make me stop. Is this a sign that I refuse to acknowledge or just a coincidence?

Swimming

I missed it! I went to the pool yesterday and swam 550m. It felt good to be back in the pool! What I'm more proud of is that I swam most of it freestyle. A year ago, I used breast stroke a lot and I think it contributed to my lower abdominal injury. The osteopath advised that I limit my use of breaststroke and I think it's a great opportunity for me to work on my freestyle and eventually be a better triathlete. Yeah, you read it right: I'm starting to refer to myself as a triathlete again. I don't want to get my hopes up, but the hip mostly stayed in its place after my last osteopathy treatment so I feel a little bit of hope is in order.

Now, if I could get rid of the little buggers I brought back from Mexico, life would be even better! I took antibiotics for 10 days and it helped, but I still have issues. Sigh.

Nude Running

Don't worry, I didn't run naked! ;-) This morning, I decided to test the hip and go for a short run. The weather is so nice that I decided to run outside. The reason why I call it nude running is because I didn't bring a watch or a iPod and I didn't follow a plan. I just ran a little, walked a little and repeat until I felt that my body had had enough (which, sadly, was not very long.. about 15-20 minutes).

I had an endorphins rush and felt a bit of soreness all over at the end of my run. I don't think I did any damage to my hip, my lower back or my cortisol level so all is good...

I was thinking that I like running like that and that I didn't miss following a training plan and having the pressure to train for something. Sure, I would like to do races this year, but I just can't bring myself to believe that this time, I'm really back at it. So I just enjoy the runs as they come.

Feeling Hopeful

As everyone knows by now, I've been having major hip/pelvis issues for a while now. I was becoming quite discouraged about ever finding a solution this week, but my nature doesn't do well with being discouraged, so my brain started obsessing about finding solutions. I've talked to a lot of people and now I have a plan: obviously, the chiro and osteopath adjustments that I've been getting for the past year helped, but the problem keeps coming back. There has to be something else going on. One osteopath mentionned that it would be a good idea to get x-rays to get my legs measured and I'm going to start with that.

My plan is to go to a sports doctor - now, which one to go to? The one in Québec or the ones who were recommended to me who are based in Ottawa - and to give him/her all the information that I gathered in the past year: all the osteo/chiro adjustments that didn't hold, the impossibility to get a proper bike fit, the possibility of scoliosis (which I was told I had when I was about 15, but nobody mentionned it since), the SI joint problems, the pelvis bone problems, the pelvic floor problems and the absence of problems in the reproductive organs (pelvis ultrasound report).

I can't believe the doctor can't find a way to help me, when I provide him/her with all this wealth of information.

... and so, I'm hopeful at last.

Stronger than my story

I am borrowing a line from a song by The Killers to say that 2008 was the year when I was stronger than my story. I dealt with a lot of crap in 2008: deep personal struggles with regards to motherhood, endless work frustration, ethics issues at work and then, all my injuries.

When I came out of my seasonal depression sometimes in April, I understood one thing: that I was able to deal with whatever life would throw at me. The timing was excellent because life started to throw all sorts of things at me just to give me some practice. I was tested and I'm proud to report that I didn't sink into depression again, even when I had all the reasons to. As 2008 came to an end, I knew deep in my heart that I was not the same person I was on January 1st, 2008. I've become a stronger person, a person who can be stronger than her story.

Cheers to all the lessons learned the hard way in 2008!

.. Again with that pelvis!

I went to the RMT on Friday, and she said "oh my God, your pelvis is totally misaligned!". This was quite discouraging, but what can a girl do? She helped a lot, but she's no magician and she recommended that I see her osteopath colleague, who uses techniques that are apparently excellent for that type of problem. She "showed" me where the problem area was and said it was pretty tightly shut in there, as if it was trying to protect something. This reminded me of my sternum this summer, and how it shut tight after I broke my rib.

So.. I need to get my SI Joint worked on. I'll see the ostepath on Thursday. In the meantime, I think I'll take it easy on the running. I don't think the pounding is doing any good and I'm investing so much time and money into this that I don't want to ruin it. Yesterday, I've done some fast walking and I was surprised at how sweaty I got. Either I lost all my fitness or it really is a good workout. My lower back was working like crazy, though, so maybe this is a good way to build up some strenght in this area. We'll see...

Back at it ! (Take Five)

I started running again yesterday. I've been seeing a chiro and a RMT lately and things seem to be recovering nicely. So, yesterday I hopped on the treadmill for a short run. I tried to avoid going anaerobic, which means I had to run real slow and for only one minute at a time. But at least I ran!

My goal is now to build up to 5K and to run 5K at the Winterman in February. Then, I'll take it from there. I don't think I'll go back to the pool before January, with all the Christmas activities and the stress/tiredness from the new job. Also, it looks like I will be walking back from work each day if the STO/City don't do anything to improve bus circulation in downtown Ottawa. I live about 6K from the office, so it's definitely doable, but this will impact my ability to do anything else than walking and running.

The new job is great! At many times last week, I've been telling myself that I couldn't believe I was getting paid to do what I was doing. I think it's a very good sign!

Therapeutic Run

Lately, I've been under a lot of stress because of a new job that I am supposed to start soon. I've been stressed preparing for two different job postings: written exam, interview... and the worst part was when I had to choose between both jobs. Through all this, I was also injured, which added to the stress.

My injury is slowly recovering - the lower abdominal one, for those wondering which injury I'm talking about! I have been able to walk more lately and it's a great thing because it helps me keep sane through the injury. This morning, I decided that I would try to run just a little, to try and get some endorphins that I badly need. My cortisol level has been tested and is quite high right now, so I knew I had to be careful and not bring my heart rate up to the anaerobic zone.

And so, off I went on our treadmill downstairs. I sang along to my iPod while running to make sure I stayed in the aerobic zone (anaerobic produces cortisol and is not a good thing for me right now). I walked for 15 minutes, ran for about 5 minutes. It felt great! I had a bit of pain and I didn't push it. After this run, I stretched and did my core strenghtening exercises. I also decided that I would try and do a few therapeutic runs each week for now, until I am completely recovered. This should help keep my moods stable and it should slowly get my body back into running mode. Onward and upward!

My list of injuries...

It has been a very crazy year! I was thinking about my list of 2008 injuries/illnesses the other day and it goes like this:

April: hip tendonitis and unidentified abdominal injury
May: abdominal injury (continued)
June: abdominal injury (continued) and bike accident: broken/cracked rib(s), broken/cracked cheekbone, shoulder injury
July: broken toe
August: broken toe (continued)
September: abdominal injury is back, major case of cold or flu
October: abdominal injury (continued), sprained ankle

I hope this is where it ends. It's November 1st, my ankle is still hurting and my abdominal injury has been diagnosed to a misaligned pelvis (pubic bone). I hope I get some relief soon!

On the positive side, I accepted a new job! November will be a stressful month, but for once, it will be mostly positive stress. Yay!

On the road... again!

I lost track of how many times I've started running again this year... Here I am, starting over again! I think this time will be for good, though (crossing my fingers and toes). I went running on Monday and I overdid it - surprise, surprise! I was so sore on Tuesday, it felt as if I had run a strong 10K.

Today, I biked to and from work. I have a bit of pain, but this is pain I can handle. So, I think I'll keep at it very slowly... and hopefully, I'll be able to consistently run a little until my hip gets fixed, but a little is much better than none at all.

I might have found the cause of all my hip/lower back problems... I'm very hopeful that I'll be healed and back at it sooner rather than later. :-)

C'est l'automne!

Hier, JF, Jake et moi sommes allés nous promener dans le parc de la Gatineau. L'air était frais et la luminosité était parfaite alors j'ai apporté ma caméra. On a eu du bon temps, comme le témoignent les photos!

Je me remets tranquillement d'une probable grippe et l'air du parc m'a fait du bien. J'espère redevenir en pleine forme bientôt, puisqu'il me semble que je suis toujours handicapée d'une façon ou d'une autre depuis 6 mois!


J'avais recommencé à aller à la piscine et à courir, mais je suis revenue à la case départ suite à ma grippe. Je commence à devenir impatiente et à avoir très hâte de courir.. Pour le moment, la hanche tient le coup. Ça tire, mais ça ne fait pas mal comme avant. Mon orteil a de la misère par exemple. Dès que je marche 30 minutes, j'ai super mal à l'orteil par la suite. J'espère que ça va se placer bientôt!



Je relisais dernièrement la liste d'objectifs que j'avais faite quand j'ai eu 30 ans, pour voir ce que j'avais accompli dans la dernière année. J'ai accompli moins de choses que j'aurais voulu, mais j'ai aussi fait pas mal plus de progrès que prévu au niveau du travail. J'ai stabilisé ma situation en janvier et maintenant je suis en voie de faire un mouvement vers mon domaine d'expertise! J'ai peut-être été immobilisée physiquement cet été, mais j'en ai quand même profité pour avancer.

Cet automne sera une saison bénéfique pour moi à tous les niveaux, j'en suis sûre!

Rib pain is gone!

I noticed this weekend that the rib pain is gone. It has been at least a week since I had any pain. This is wonderful! :-)

Also, the osteopath thinks I may need to get my orthotics adjusted a little. He thinks the hip pain that keeps coming back is not normal and in his opinion, it can only be attributed to biomechanics. He thinks my left leg is very slightly shorter than my right leg and that it might be the cause of the problems I keep having. He advised that I insert a mini sole under my heel to see if it helps. When I left his office yesterday, he said my hip was well aligned. If the mini sole thingy works, then I'll get my orthotics slightly adjusted. It almost seems too good to be true - it's hard to believe such a tiny difference in leg lenght could create such problems - but it's worth a try.

Back to Square Three

I went running yesterday for the first time since June. I was off running for 3 full months and I had only run a few times in May and June while recovering from my abdominal injury. Let's say I have run next to nothing in the past 4.5 months. I wasn't sure how much fitness I have lost, so I thought I would just start running and see how much I could push myself.

I thought I'd be back to doing 1:1s, but I'm back at week 3 of Learn to Run, which is 2:1s x 6. It was very hard, but 2 minutes of running was all I could do yesterday. The first 90 seconds were not that bad, but then I had to dig deep to get to 2 minutes. Yikes!

My ribs hurt the whole 28 minutes it took me to cover a little less than 3K. I felt the pain in my bone, right where the biggest impact was. Man, that was hurting. The toe held up much better and I only had a tiny bit of pain for a few minutes after I was done. This is good news! But then, my SI joint started hurting towards the end, probably because I hadn't been pushing my body a lot in the past months and it was begging me to take it easy.

The mental is strong, although the negative thoughts were starting to take control of my head during my cool down walk. Bottom line is that I'll have to be strong and persevere in the next few months if I ever want to get back to the fitness level I was. We'll see how that new and improved mental of mine will hold up!

Swimming

I also went back to the pool last Thursday. I didn't lose as much swimming fitness as I've lost running fitness. My ribs hurt a little, but my shoulders hurt a lot during my swim. I swam 280m and that was enough for one night. JF and I will go back to the pool this week. Hopefully, I can swim just a little more with a little less pain this week.

Baby steps...

The best summer of my life?

From the outside, people wouldn’t say this summer could possibly be the best summer of my life. However, when I think about it, it might as well be.

In March, I felt a lot of mental pain. My annual seasonal affective disorder hit very hard this year because of the imposed inactivity and sun rays blocking following my laser eye surgery. At the beginning of April, the cloud lifted, thanks to longer days and to an incredible training month. April has been the best running month of my life so far. During that month, I went beyond the mental barriers that were holding me back. I pushed through that invisible wall and I could finally say that I was conquering my mental during my runs. It was an incredible feeling, to be able to shut the inner critic down during my runs, and this new state of mind was also impacting my personal life. All of a sudden, everything seemed possible… and then I injured myself big time.

Since the end of April, I’ve felt a lot of physical pain. It all started with an abdominal injury that kept me off from running, biking or swimming for over a month. During that month, I sank into a depressive state and everything seemed complicated and difficult. I had to let go of my goal of doing my first Sprint Tri and I felt a lot of anger about it. I felt as if all these hours I had spent in the pool would have been better used doing other things. I felt like a victim and I was terribly worried that I would have lost all that I had built in the last few months, both from my fitness and my mental toughness.

Then, I broke down and someone shook me up. She stopped me dead in my tracks, made me realize I am not a victim and that I had something to learn from this injury: that injuries suck, but they are a part of life that you can’t always control. Therefore, you have to learn to manage them to keep your mental balance when they occur. She told me I should be more compassionate towards myself, that I should take care of myself instead of making myself a victim. That afternoon, that woman flicked a switch.

A week later, I volunteered at the Early Bird Triathlon. I had a few tears in my eyes that morning, but I cheered very enthusiastically for the athletes that ran by my water station. I enjoyed the atmosphere of the race, even if I wasn’t participating in it. I had a very good time and it felt good to give back to the triathlon community.

Another week passed and I volunteered again, this time at the race kit pick-up of NCM. Again, I had a few tears when I got to the Expo, picked up my kit knowing I wouldn’t run the race. But I put all that behind me and I did my best to enjoy every minute of the best running weekend in Ottawa! On Saturday night, I went out and cheered for JF who was running the 5K (instead of the marathon he had trained so hard for) and then for the 10K runners. My friend Nancy was running this race after coming back from months of injuries. I was so very proud of both JF and Nancy for being such great sports – even though neither achieved their original goals, they did the best they could in the circumstances and to me, this is what running is all about. On Sunday morning, I cheered the marathoners and half-marathoners like crazy: not just the runners that I knew – everybody! Man, did I have a great time! A lot of runners thanked me for cheering them on and I was very happy I could be there to help them during their race. At the group dinner that night, I congratulated everyone and did my best not to talk about my injury: it wasn’t my day, I could talk about my injury any other day. That day was about celebrating my runner friends and I had a wonderful time.

I started running again by mid-June and then I had my bike accident. Every minute of my life was painful; every sneeze a torture, every movement a battle. The basic things in life became painful: dressing up, taking a shower, getting in and out of bed… I physically hurt non-stop for the next two weeks... and just as I was starting to get a tiny bit better, I broke my toe. More pain, even more restrictions in my movements. This time, I couldn’t even walk. My upper body was a mess and now I couldn’t stand up. This was a joke, right? This had to be a joke.

And then, I remembered what I was told back in April: that this was a good time for me to learn how to manage injuries, so that I wouldn’t become depressed whenever I got one. I decided to do just that. I started keeping my mind busy with stuff that I didn’t have time for when I was training a lot: cooking and baking, cleaning, organizing, reading, seeing people. I cheered a lot and I hung out with my runner/triathlon friends. I celebrated their successes and supported them through their rough patches.

I also kept my mind full of positive thoughts. There were tough days, but I didn’t become depressed. For me, this is huge. I conquered my mind. I’m stronger than the effects of the lack of endorphins on my brain. I can control my brain, provide it with the much needed serotonin so that it doesn’t go into depression mode. I won. I conquered. I’m the boss of my own mood. I am in control. I’ve done it once, and I can do it again. I’ll just have to remember that I have it in me, that the power is there and that all I have to do is unleash it. I’ll just have to look back to the summer of 2008 to understand how much more powerful I am now.

I don’t know if I have ever been more proud of myself than I am right now. I keep thinking about how well I handled this summer and I am amazed that I could keep sane. I am much more capable than I give myself credit for.

And this, my friends, is worth a lot more than any medal I could have gotten this summer. Was it the best summer of my life? I think it might have been!

Better...

I rode my road bike again today, it was the first time since the "fear incident" two weeks ago. I have to admit that I was making up all sorts of reasons to postpone this ride.. my parents visited us last weekend, I was too busy going to the market on Saturday morning, then I had to go grocery shopping on Sunday morning and later, I was too tired to go. Even this morning, it took me until 11am to get going and I had to force myself to go.

The truth is that I was scared to be scared and the feeling was paralyzing me.

I have been riding my hybrid bike to work a lot in the past two weeks. I've become more confident on that bike and I've seen my average speed go from 14 kph to 16 kph in the last two weeks [this includes the time I wait at red lights and stop signs]. My maximum speed has also increased, and I thought this was a good sign that I was becoming more comfortable being on a bike again.

The ride was fine this morning. I can't say it was fun, because I was a tiny bit scared. I'm proud to report that I did not have a panic attack and I did not have visions of accidents and painful injuries. It was a nice change. At one point, a little girl decided it would be a good idea to ride her bike parralel to the path just as I was passing her even if I had yelled that I was passing. I cursed at her, but I didn't hit her - thank God, or I would have gone over my handlebars again. After that incident, I became more nerveous and I decided not to push it. I rode 12.5K.

I saw my osteopath on Thursday and he worked on my sternum, which was very tight. He didn't put much pressure on it and it was hurting like hell! Just slightly touching it now hurts a lot. The osteopath thinks my body went into protection mode and closed the rib cage up to avoid further injuries. Now is time to relax a little and let my body go back to normal... I think I'm not out of the woods just yet.

I got the yellow light to go to the pool: I can go, but I have to take it very easy. If I have pain, I have to stop. I can deal with those conditions! :-)

The bad news is that I will not be ready to do the Last Chance Triathlon in three weeks. I kinda knew it would come to this, given that I only got the yellow light to start swimming again, given my bike fear and given the pain I felt when I ran to catch the bus on Thursday. It really sucks, but I'm really zen about it. This is just the way it is for me this year.

Fear

I've been riding my road bike on the trainer a few times last week and my hybrid bike on road paths a few times as well. I didn't have any problems with those rides, other than when I was outside, I was riding very slowly.

Today, I went for a bike ride with JF. I rode my road bike on the closed Ottawa River Parkway. We need to ride on the side of the street to get to the Parkway and man, was that a miserable experience for me. I was very nerveous to be around cars and I kept having "visions" of cars hitting me and the pain I would feel if it happened. At some point, I even told myself that if it happened, I would be dead and I wouldn't feel a thing or I would be unconscious and I wouldn't feel the pain. On the bridge crossing over to Ottawa, we ride on the side of the road. There is a ramp to go to a park. When I got there, I looked over my shoulder to make sure no car was turning onto this ramp. Sure enough, there was a big black SUV on the lane, but it wasn't turning or coming towards me, but still, my heart rate went way up, I started sweating and a deep fear took a hold of me.

When we got on the Parkway, things got worse. There were bikes and rollerbladers everywhere. There were kids on bikes not looking where they were going. There were people using the full width of the lane so that they could chat while riding their bikes. I constantly had to make my way through people and I was so scared that one of them would change direction suddenly and I would crash. I could see it very clearly: me flying from my bike and hurting so much all over again. I could almost physically feel the pain. At some point, I started crying. All I wanted to do was to stop on the side of the road and wait for JF to pick me up. I just couldn't do it... but I kept going.

It was 13K of pure fear. I kept telling myself that if I fell, I would be dead and I wouldn't feel the pain. I kept picturing all the ways I could have an accident and hurt myself. I was hypervigilent to all sorts of dangers, most of them dangers that I was making up. I'm not the same person I was before my accident. I hope that I will feel safe again on my road bike one day, but I don't know...

I looked up the definitions and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Fortunately, my symptoms are not as intense or as debilitating as those of PTSD. However, they're like a mild version of PTSD. I hope I can work through this on my own.

Back on the Bike!

My toe seems to be healing very well. It still looks weird, but its mobility comes back a little more everyday. I can bend it half-way now, which is a huge improvement! I walk with the slightest of limps and I hope to walk normally again in the next week, once the mobility is back 100%.

My ribs and shoulders/upper back are still hurting a lot, though. My osteopath is on vacation this week, and I will leave him a desperate message to see me when he comes back. I'm thinking that the upper back pain is most probably affecting the ribs pain. Maybe if I get the shoulders/upper back fixed, then I'm hopeful that the ribs pain will go away.

So... I got back on my bike on Sunday! My fitness level is terrible.. Yikes! I'm grateful to be able to ride my bike and I'm planning on improving my fitness by riding my bike. Because I'm not sure when I'll be able to run or swim, I'll concentrate on getting some exercise through biking for now. When I go back to work next week, I'll ride my bike for my commute. I think that if I take things one at a time, I'll get back to where I have once been. Stay tuned...