Fear

I've been riding my road bike on the trainer a few times last week and my hybrid bike on road paths a few times as well. I didn't have any problems with those rides, other than when I was outside, I was riding very slowly.

Today, I went for a bike ride with JF. I rode my road bike on the closed Ottawa River Parkway. We need to ride on the side of the street to get to the Parkway and man, was that a miserable experience for me. I was very nerveous to be around cars and I kept having "visions" of cars hitting me and the pain I would feel if it happened. At some point, I even told myself that if it happened, I would be dead and I wouldn't feel a thing or I would be unconscious and I wouldn't feel the pain. On the bridge crossing over to Ottawa, we ride on the side of the road. There is a ramp to go to a park. When I got there, I looked over my shoulder to make sure no car was turning onto this ramp. Sure enough, there was a big black SUV on the lane, but it wasn't turning or coming towards me, but still, my heart rate went way up, I started sweating and a deep fear took a hold of me.

When we got on the Parkway, things got worse. There were bikes and rollerbladers everywhere. There were kids on bikes not looking where they were going. There were people using the full width of the lane so that they could chat while riding their bikes. I constantly had to make my way through people and I was so scared that one of them would change direction suddenly and I would crash. I could see it very clearly: me flying from my bike and hurting so much all over again. I could almost physically feel the pain. At some point, I started crying. All I wanted to do was to stop on the side of the road and wait for JF to pick me up. I just couldn't do it... but I kept going.

It was 13K of pure fear. I kept telling myself that if I fell, I would be dead and I wouldn't feel the pain. I kept picturing all the ways I could have an accident and hurt myself. I was hypervigilent to all sorts of dangers, most of them dangers that I was making up. I'm not the same person I was before my accident. I hope that I will feel safe again on my road bike one day, but I don't know...

I looked up the definitions and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Fortunately, my symptoms are not as intense or as debilitating as those of PTSD. However, they're like a mild version of PTSD. I hope I can work through this on my own.

Back on the Bike!

My toe seems to be healing very well. It still looks weird, but its mobility comes back a little more everyday. I can bend it half-way now, which is a huge improvement! I walk with the slightest of limps and I hope to walk normally again in the next week, once the mobility is back 100%.

My ribs and shoulders/upper back are still hurting a lot, though. My osteopath is on vacation this week, and I will leave him a desperate message to see me when he comes back. I'm thinking that the upper back pain is most probably affecting the ribs pain. Maybe if I get the shoulders/upper back fixed, then I'm hopeful that the ribs pain will go away.

So... I got back on my bike on Sunday! My fitness level is terrible.. Yikes! I'm grateful to be able to ride my bike and I'm planning on improving my fitness by riding my bike. Because I'm not sure when I'll be able to run or swim, I'll concentrate on getting some exercise through biking for now. When I go back to work next week, I'll ride my bike for my commute. I think that if I take things one at a time, I'll get back to where I have once been. Stay tuned...

Yay for vacations!

FINALLY... we're on vacation! I didn't think I would make it. Between the high stress at work in the past few months and the frustration of being injured all the time, my energy levels have gone down. You don't realize how great it is to be healthy until you're in pain for 3 months staight. I will make sure I remember that and be grateful everyday for my good health when it comes back. :-)

Last week, my physio freaked me out about my toe. When I showed it to her, she said "Oh my God! Did you show this to a doctor?" I said I did and that it was broken. I said I was a little worried because it was a little twisted and pointing downward. She said "yeah, it looks like it may be dislocated. If it was my toe, I would go see a doctor in the next few days". YIKES! So, I didn't sleep much that night, imagining the impact of having my toe reset on our upcoming vacation. I think I was less worried about the pain than I was about the plans we'd have to cancel...

So, off I went to the doctor once again on Thursday morning. The doctor thought it looked like it may be dislocated, so she recommended that I get another set of x-rays just to make sure. She said I could go to a nearby hospital and informed me that it didn't matter that I was a Quebec resident: they would accept my Quebec card at the Ontario hospital. I got great service once I got there and I was out in less than 90 minutes! The doctor said my toe was healing nicely, but that there was still a lot of swelling and that maybe the swelling caused my toe to look displaced. Also, because the fracture was right next to the joint, it looked worst. He said he could try to make it perfect, but that maybe he could make it worst instead. Anyway, all is healing well and I will be fine. Yay!

So, now is the time for a well-deserved vacation. Yay!

It started off very well. I went cheering on some fellow Maniacs at the National Capital Triathlon this morning: Jesse who was doing her first Olympic Tri, Cynthia who was doing her first triathlon ever and Vicki who came all the way from Vancouver to do a Try-a-Tri. ;-) Vicki's husband was doing the Swim-Cycle, but I never saw him until he was finished so I couldn't cheer him on. Everyone had a good time and I had fun being the cheerleader once again. After the triathlon, we had Vicki's family and Cynthia over for lunch and we had a good time.

Yay for vacation!