Fear

I've been riding my road bike on the trainer a few times last week and my hybrid bike on road paths a few times as well. I didn't have any problems with those rides, other than when I was outside, I was riding very slowly.

Today, I went for a bike ride with JF. I rode my road bike on the closed Ottawa River Parkway. We need to ride on the side of the street to get to the Parkway and man, was that a miserable experience for me. I was very nerveous to be around cars and I kept having "visions" of cars hitting me and the pain I would feel if it happened. At some point, I even told myself that if it happened, I would be dead and I wouldn't feel a thing or I would be unconscious and I wouldn't feel the pain. On the bridge crossing over to Ottawa, we ride on the side of the road. There is a ramp to go to a park. When I got there, I looked over my shoulder to make sure no car was turning onto this ramp. Sure enough, there was a big black SUV on the lane, but it wasn't turning or coming towards me, but still, my heart rate went way up, I started sweating and a deep fear took a hold of me.

When we got on the Parkway, things got worse. There were bikes and rollerbladers everywhere. There were kids on bikes not looking where they were going. There were people using the full width of the lane so that they could chat while riding their bikes. I constantly had to make my way through people and I was so scared that one of them would change direction suddenly and I would crash. I could see it very clearly: me flying from my bike and hurting so much all over again. I could almost physically feel the pain. At some point, I started crying. All I wanted to do was to stop on the side of the road and wait for JF to pick me up. I just couldn't do it... but I kept going.

It was 13K of pure fear. I kept telling myself that if I fell, I would be dead and I wouldn't feel the pain. I kept picturing all the ways I could have an accident and hurt myself. I was hypervigilent to all sorts of dangers, most of them dangers that I was making up. I'm not the same person I was before my accident. I hope that I will feel safe again on my road bike one day, but I don't know...

I looked up the definitions and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Fortunately, my symptoms are not as intense or as debilitating as those of PTSD. However, they're like a mild version of PTSD. I hope I can work through this on my own.