I believed... and ran 8K!

After my terrible PMS last week, I got back into a more positive attitude over the weekend. I was very nerveous about my first 8K run, which was planned for Sunday morning, but I decided to try to be positive about it and to look forward to it. To me, 8K was a very important milestone, because 8K is closer to 10K than it is to 5K...

On Sunday morning, I felt good. I would even say I felt calm. I had all sorts of positive thoughts in my mind, such as "You can do it", "Take it one KM at a time" and "Enjoy the journey". However, right at the beginning of my run, I started to visualize the word "BELIEVE" written in big bold letters on the window in front of the treadmill. I said it in my head many times, and it helped make the run less difficult. This 7-letter word turned something difficult into something wonderful. :-)

I believe.

I'm done

I am having a terrible day today, which involves a lot of crying... thinking and more crying. I have never wanted to reach my objectives to feel good about myself, I wanted to reach them in order to get recognition from people from whom I should not be expecting any. Why is it that as you grow older, your parents care less and less about you and you care more and more about them? I am reconsidering the reasons why I want to run and do triathlons, and until I come up with something better than "to get some recognition from others", I decided to put my plans on hold.

I will continue to train for my first 10K, but I'm not so sure about my other plans. Stay tuned.

My first outside run of 2007

Tonight, I took my running outside, after almost 4 months of treadmill running. Since I took up running 2 years ago, my first outside run in the Spring always took place in Vancouver because I travelled there for work. I always had a wonderful experience when doing this run - nature was blooming, the air smelt fresh, the sun was warm...

With all these memories in mind, I put on my running shoes today, expecting nothing less than pure bliss. I didn't get this. I was tired from a long day at work, nothing is blooming and the air smelt of exhaust because the only place I could run was on the side of the road. So much for a wonderful invigorating run!

I was so nerveous about this run. I had doubts I could run for 10 minutes outside, like I can on the treadmill. Determined to run for 10 minutes, I headed out and toughed the longest 10 minutes ever. Then I crashed, and ran 2 minutes, walked, then ran 5 minutes and then walked back home. I had calves cramps during the whole thing, which could have been caused by uneven pavement or the small incline on the road. I was also running too fast, although I felt like I was slowing myself down the whole time.

To borrow one of The Killer's lines from their song This River is Wild: tonight, I didn't like the line I walked (or should I say, ran).

I'm trying to focus on the upside, and the upside is that I was able to run for 10 minutes straight and that the first run outside is now behind me. It can only get better from here! Right?

The hardest thing I have ever done

Training for my first 10K is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is so difficult mentally to do all my runs and complete my distances that I really wonder how some people can run longer distances. This week is a cut-back week, so my long run today was only 5K. It should not have been hard, but it took everything I had to tough it out. I was thinking about how hard this was during my run and I was overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness and self-doubt.

I feel like every time I go out for a run, a swim, a ride, a walk, a strenght training session, that I am fighting against my non-athletic genes. I can't help wanting to be a runner, just like everyone else. I want it easy, just like other people, who start running and run a Half- or a Full-Marathon a year later. I feel like such an imposter, sometimes, pretending to be a runner or even a triathlete.

Of course I can be a runner, of course I can complete a triathlon, but how can I ever be a Marathoner when I struggle so much through my 10K training? What if what I want the most is out of my reach? What if i'm never good enough in my own eyes? Why can't I just be satisfied with what I can do? Why must I push myself out of my comfort zone all the time? Why, oh why, am I being so demanding towards myself?

People tell me that I will appreciate it more when I reach my goal, and I hope it's true. This training is very hard mentally and I hope it pays off.

On a brighter note, I bought myself (another) running skirt today: the Brooks Motion skort. I already have the 2006 model and I love it. When I saw there was a turquoise one this year, I had to get it. Good news: they had it at the Running Room and I fit into a Medium! :-) Last year, I got the Large because the Medium wouldn't fit. Despite the lack of movement on the scale, I'm losing inches! Yay!