Insight on Fear

I had some great insight today. I was thinking about my bike fear, and well, my fear in general. I was thinking how I've always been so careful. I've never been one to do stupid things and the risks that I took in life have always been calculated. I'm not saying that I never took any risks, because I did, but I've always made sure there was a way out or I was protected enough when I took those risks. Some of the risks I took were huge, but looking back, they could have been even bigger. For example: I've wanted to be an exchange student when I was in high school, but it was very risky to just go to a new country, learn a new language, make new friends... I didn't do it and I kind of regret it, even though I understand why I made the decision not to pursue this dream. When it was time for me to go to University, I went to Montreal. It was a new city, with new people, but the risk wasn't as big. See what I mean?

Anyway, so I was thinking about those fears and how I have always been careful when taking risks. It has always served me well, kept me away from any harm. Then, I concentrated on the bike fear and realized that when I had my bike accident, the illusion that I had that I would never be in pain if I was careful disappeared. I could get hurt because of other people's actions and decisions, and no matter how careful I am, I can't control other people's lack of carefulness. I have been feeling scared for over a year now, because I now understand that other people can hurt me. They can make a stupid decision that will have me suffer. I know this is a life reality, but until my accident, I never saw things this way. I always thought I could be careful enough and avoid problems.

This realization hit me hard just a few hours ago: the fear is there to protect me, but I have to keep pushing beyond it. I can't refrain from doing the things I want to do because other people may make stupid decisions and hurt me. I don't trust other people anymore, because I know they're not as careful as I am. It doesn't mean that I have to lock myself in the house for fear of being the victim of someone's poor judgement. It means that I have to acknowledge this fact and do my best to control what I can, while still enjoying my life. Wow. Now, I gotta go work on that!