Learning to walk again at the Army Run

(…)
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

(…)
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger
Little conqueror

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now!
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
(…)
The first to find another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm waiting for a sign
(…)
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I'll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever

- "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

Life was good for me in 2007. This was the year I turned 30 and I achieved many of my athletic and personal goals that year. Then, life happened and a series of bad lucks from 2008 to 2010 found me physically broken, facing a year of many DNS in 2008. Between April 2008 and February 2009, I broke a rib and a toe, I bruised 2 more ribs, my cheekbone and my tailbone, I partially tore my psoas, I badly bruised my tailbone. In 2009, I got bronchitis and later on, a nasty bacterial infection in my stomach while in Mexico. I took two ambulance rides, I suffered through mild PTSD following a bike accident and had digestive issues so intense following my stomach infection that I dropped 25lbs. On top of that, I changed jobs to work at my dream job, which got cut not too long ago. I dealt with deep emotional issues that made life hell for me on a few occasions. Life was testing me!

Life was offering me an opportunity to grow.

I worked hard to heal physically and emotionally. I was able to race in 2010, but every race I did sucked because I had an unwanted companion, which I nicknamed The Mental. The Mental was by my side every time I attempted to push my limits, both in sports and in my personal life. The Mental is my worst critic: it tells me I’m not good enough, sometimes using mean words like “you suck”. I’ve been fighting The Mental for a long time, but it’s always there with me to ruin my fun.

I did not race much in 2011, but at the three races I did, The Mental showed up and tried to take charge. I did not let it – I was stronger than it was at the end of the day but it did make life miserable for me for a part of my races. This year, I increased my swimming endurance, I rode my first 50K and then 60K and I found my running mojo again. I faced what was in my heart and I dealt with the negative and celebrated the positive.

On Friday, someone advised that I find a ritual to do on my birthday to mark the beginning of a new year, full of promises. I decided this would happen while I was running the 5K at the Army Run today. My plan was simple: to plan the race and race the plan. I’m working my way through Learn to Run again and I’m now up to 5-minutes running intervals. I decided that I would race doing 3:1s, which would allow me to push without it being too difficult an effort.

The day was perfect: it was sunny and cool – it didn’t get warmer than 10 degrees during the race. I started off with everyone else, taking in the positive energy at the start line. I ran my first 3-minutes interval and decided to wear my headphones and listen to some music since I knew this was to be a spiritual race and music speaks to my soul in a way nothing else does. I ended up listening to Foo Fighters’ song Walk on repeat the whole race. I just love this song: it felt like it had been written for me to listen to on a very important day like today.

I felt like I was learning to walk and talk again – I’m learning to walk in my own shoes, to live my life for myself. I’m also learning to talk in a way that allows for meaningful connection with the world. I’m full of resolve to work through some difficult emotional issues and the song reminded me of my power to change my ways and take control over my life.

Before getting to the 2K mark, I got a runner’s high. I was thinking how great it was to be running on this beautiful day, to live in a country where we can run freely and for leisure rather than to get away from someone who means us harm. I was getting all chocked up and I came this close to losing it right then when I saw two amputee soldiers walking with their family members. I felt like I owed it to them to live the best life I can live, to contribute everything I have to contribute to this world. I had complete faith in me, for the first time in a long time, if ever.

And I just kept on running, 3 minutes at a time. The Mental tried to get some airtime in my head, but I didn’t fight it and simply replaced it with positive self-talk about how I was doing great and to just keep going. I ignored the annoying Mental and it left me alone. It tried to make me take a walk break before the finish line, but I refused and I ran for almost 4 minutes until I crossed the finish line.

I’m elated… I now know what a little faith in oneself can do. I’ve dropped a lot of emotional baggage on the course today and I feel so much stronger for that. What a great way to start my 35th year on this Earth! Thank you to all my friends for the birthday wishes – I felt loved today, both by the people around me and by myself. This is the best feeling of all, one that I haven’t felt often in my life.

Chip time: 38:46 (not a PB, but by far, my best executed race EVER)