Fear

I have been thinking about where I am at in my training and I have been having a few thoughts about why I am where I am right now. Before I start, I should mention that I'm going around in circles right now. On the one hand, I really wish I could get back to running and triathlon training, but on the other hand, I'm paralyzed by fear, indecision and the picture of who I used to be... before last year happened to me. When I was still innocent. Back when I still thought there were great things ahead of me and that all I had to do was work a little harder to get them. Back when I put a lot of my energy into my training, because my job and my social life sucked.

I realize that I have these expectations for myself to get back into training as if nothing had happened. Almost as if all the physical and mental scars had disappeared or worse, never existed. As if I wasn't a whole new person. But I am a new person and I am scarred. I've been in too much physical and mental pain in the last 18 months, from my physical injuries but also from deeper issues with my friends, with motherhood, with my own mom, with my job.

It has been almost 5 months since my last serious injury and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm out of the woods and maybe I can start running, swimming and biking again. I think that maybe the bad luck is gone and maybe I can safely return to my life. This thought is exciting,
but it paralyzes me. I've gotten used to putting off my objectives because of yet another injury. This time, things are kinda looking up and I'm confused. I feel like I should "do like everybody" and train for a Sprint Triathlon and then a Half Ironman next year. But when I stop to think about what this goal would entail, I freeze: I would have to learn to ride with clipless pedals, with aerobars, to get used to riding for 3-5 hours at a time, to be able to run a half-marathon, to not take walk breaks, to swim for kilometers at a time, to join a Tri club, to buy a wetsuit, to face my fear of the deep dark open waters... This is overwhelming, especially since I don't feel the deep desire to do those longer races. Really, all I want is to get back to running 10Ks and to do my first Sprint Tri. I think I could stick to those distances forever, just to avoid facing all the fears that I have about the things I listed above.

I feel like I have something to prove. To whom? I'm not sure. Nobody is pressuring me to go longer; yet, I put pressure on myself. The pressure is to face my fears and not let them limit what I choose to do: the fear of injuries, the fear of bike accidents and the fear of anxiety attacks when encountering the unknown. Those are the fears that hold me back and the reason why I want to go longer. I know how liberating it will be when I finally face those fears, or at least, when I do those things despite the risks involved.

I also fear that if I take risks, then I will lose. And I have a lot to lose... that, I realized in the past year. Everything can be taken away from me in a second and I feel it's not worth risking so much for a hobby. What my head knows but my heart refuses to acknowledge is that I can take healthy risks - those risks where the chance of occurence x the extent of the consequences is acceptable to me. I have not yet identified where that balance is, but I guess I'll apply the same principles that I apply at work to try to make sense of all this.

In the meanwhile, I say a prayer everytime I get on my bike. I pray that I make it to my destination alive and uninjured.